Things Got Better...

And then they got worse. And even worse after that. What the fuck is wrong with my life?

A month and a half in a nutshell:
The few days after this last entry was written, the roomie and I had a huge talking out session (or two) that finally put us in the realm of caring for each other in a more real and not faking it sense. Practically everything that's ever hurt me got out, we had good talks, she was so nice and supportive. She left me a few notes and emails in the religion department that I needed since I seemed to have lost my way (which was true). That was April 5th.

It didn't take long for April to heat up for me in the real world with three different jobs that all required a lot of energy and everything from me, and slowly but surely the stress and business began to eat away at me little by little. Her work life had turned incredibly busy as well and there were weeks where we would go a few days without seeing each other even though we were still living together. And, not like it mattered since I was never home during her waking hours, any of her free time became devoted to the boyfriend. But it was quite a divide, spending waking hours separate from each other, having other people to focus on, the amount of stress one is put on when managing a film festival while managing and supplying the wardrobe and props for a film, and quickly my body became hollow.

It's like something flipped in my brain and body that said "You're so busy right now that no one would blame you if you became self-destructive." So I stopped eating. The hunger took the place of the need to hurt myself because I still felt the same emotions when he was over. I had started understanding some of it before then, but knowing I could get away with not eating and feeling that true hollow feeling in your stomach was exhilarating. I read somewhere one of the attractions to starvation is how it makes you feel light headed and high and I had never experienced that, but I was doing so much physical activity that it didn't take long for it to kick in. And I loved it. And then I discovered how much I loved never being at home or when coming home looking like I had this huge purpose and was always on the run and that did give me a feeling of purpose.

Somewhere in there we tried to have a roomie day out to bond and watch Lost and do everything we had done that had become an "us" thing that lasted until about 6 when her boyfriend showed up and they went out for dinner. Oh well, I didn't want to monopolize her time anyway. I just knew there'd be a problem when we were talking about life and she said that maybe we could schedule time with each other every other Sunday or something. Now it's just an appointment.

Also somewhere in there and I can't remember if it was before or after the roomie day, she called me out. We had decided to do a movie and I didn't hear all the plans she actually had and was frustrated and also driving and blew up while on the phone with her. It shouldn't be a big deal; it happens. But I was distant the rest of the night and trying but just failing at being anything other than aloof and I guess she caught on if her standing in the dark behind me after I just got home and saying "So do you wanna talk about what happened today?" was any indication. She never said anything about my specific behavior of self-destruction, but at this point it was just an elephant in the living room. She also continued on with suggestion I see someone about my anger which made me all but laugh. Yea, I bottle things up and eventually they come out, but it's rare and also NORMAL. Then there was talking about that she could tell how miserable and hurt I was holding in myself and that it made her feel bad and that I needed peers who would be there for me and I needed Christian peers to help me with the spiritual stuff and that I'm in her life and she feels for me even though we're both soo busy we can't spend time together. Ugh.

My crazy schedule ended briefly, for less than a week really, before I found another film project to be a part of and a screenwriting class and my usual commitments, and she got increasingly busy with having to go out of town on weekends for work. And when she came home, time was devoted to the boyfriend. And on occasion the best friend. And if I thought I was dark and deeper that last weekend in April, it was nothing compared to the darkness and desolation that's taken me over since May started. Maybe because I was trying to deliberately hurt myself by going to a party (that was classy for the film festival mind you and I stayed classy while I was there), drinking as much as I could, and ending up at some guy's house to engage in some... Bedroom fun with him and a friend. In some ways I haven't gotten over that because it was so unfulfilling for me. I didn't need much, and I knew something like that wouldn't solve anything, but just for a moment, I had hoped it had done something for me. Because I wanted it and I deliberately sought it out. There was just... Nothing.

And now, back to the present, and maybe to actual rants about the past. The last weekend when she was out of town yet again, I discovered something shocking and kind of painful. I'm happy when she's not around. I mean, I felt fine. I was eating again, I wasn't tired, I wasn't just hurting and trying to fight it away. And when she came back... With a friend might I add, my heart just sank. My entire body just sank. And everything came into perspective. It was clear.

I had been forgotten about and disregarded long ago. The little shpeel about how she cared for me and that I was in her life was all but a lie. If that was the case, she would have made the effort to maybe ONE night out of the week spend it with me instead of going out with her boyfriend or going to his place or him coming here or doing it all in one day. And then came the other hang outs with other friends and actually that's the only forgivable thing the night she came home with her best friend because she needs to work on that relationship. It got fucked after the boyfriend came around. But then came the his and byes and meaningless chatter that only lasted 10 minutes a night if we were lucky, but of course here came the boyfriend to get hours upon hours with her.

Ok, I'm ranting. The bottom line is this: I've been hurting because I've been replaced. There have just been so many times where she comes home and says "What are you doing tonight?" and when I reply I have very little, it looks promising that it will finally be my chance, someone walks through the door. And I'm kicked down again. It's just... For once, see me? Because I feel horrible when I look at you. We aren't warm to each other anymore. We don't leave notes for each other anymore. We don't even have anything to say to each other anymore. And I'm so angry and frustrated that it seems like everything she ever said to me was a lie, a complete joke. Because I know you're busy, but if I was important, wouldn't you maybe take one out of the 3 nights you have free to spend with me?

But I get it, I get it, we have priorities. Her relationship priorities are the boyfriend which makes sense since you have to get to know them I guess. I wouldn't know anything about relationships like that, but I guess it seems you should get to know each other which comes with time. And then the best friend which I know has its own hurdles and crevices thanks to the boyfriend situation, the dynamic change and all. And then other friends that have a longer history with her. And then there's me. And you know what? That's fine. I won't be the one to blow up, to tell her what she should do or what she hasn't done or how she should feel or act. She chooses her own life and she has. And I still care enough about her to know she's going through her own hard times at work and I won't be the person to attack and hurt her at a time like this. Because it would hurt her if I just let it all out. Even though it's supposed to be emotions and feelings that supposedly she likes to talk about, this isn't my place. It directly affects her too much. And that's why I keep silent when I'm around her.

I could've stayed content with that, but the past week seems to have become too much for me. I broke down last night when I realized I was ready to sacrifice every single positive thing that has happened to me here to just go back home and get out of this house. But I had had enough. I feel like a stranger in this house and that with the amount of time those two spend together, they may as well just get married already. They're having dinner parties here, going out with friends and then coming home and watching movies all night, just crap that has gotten ridiculous to me. We are at two completely different stages of life, and we need to go through them separately. That's why I won't dare attack or criticize what she's doing, because it's completely appropriate for what stage of life she's in. But I need to be somewhere else.

I'm foreseeing something intense and probably bad happening in the future. But I also foresee we might not see each other for almost a whole week this week. I'm keeping myself busy tomorrow, Tuesday I AM busy all day and then driving back home until Friday. And ya know what? Maybe that's what we need. Hurts me a little thinking about it, but I hurt no matter what.

Bed Ridden

Well. This day hasn't gotten any better.

Actually it was when I was out of the house. Had a fairly long production meeting that went really well and I think I'm showing vulnerability there that is super important for the producer and director to see and give me positive feedback. And I really just didn't want to come back to the house. I knew my roommate was having a grill out thing with her church small group and while I've met them all before and participated, I just wasn't having it tonight. Had some good food that I barely ate but it was good, and then snuck up to my room the second they were getting ready to discuss something. Just... Not tonight, ya know?

And now all I can do is lie in bed and hate myself. Hate what I'm feeling. Hate that when I went downstairs briefly, they were there on the couch and all she could do was give me a wink.

I just want to know why I'm feeling this? Why am I crying? Why do I hurt so badly? Why is my body breaking on the inside? Why when I look in the mirror I don't know who I'm looking at? Why do I have to be hurting myself again? Why do I so badly want to start slicing my arms up? Because I know I can do it deeper there with more control, and then I can look at it all the time and feel a calm. Because I took these feelings I don't want to have out of my body. I hate this. And I don't know if I feel so bad because I've regressed or if I just feel bad about my environment. And I feel bad that I might feel bad about my environment. Because up until this point my environment has been lovely. And I hate the thought that my roommate gets wise and begins thinking it's about this new development because I don't want to make her feel bad. And I honestly don't give a flying fuck about this couple thing. I don't care when he comes over, I don't care if he comes over, whatever time of day. I don't care, she can do whatever she wants, I'm ok with that.

Then why do I feel like I'm dying? And why does it flare up when he's here?

Fuck this. I'm not gonna be some passive aggressive bitch and make her stop the best thing that's happened in her life in a long time. I'm fine with suffering, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I could tell her things. I should've been able to do this long ago. I'm a virtual stranger and shell living under this roof, and that's not right either. It's almost 10:30. That's an appropriate time to sleep, yea?

Declared Healthy

"And sent back into the world. My final diagnosis? Recovered borderline. What that means, I still don't know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret, it's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever..."

~Last one, Girl, Interrupted

What Would You Have Said to Her?

"I don't know. That I was sorry. That I'll never know what it was like to be her, but I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. And you try to fit in, but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

~More Girl, Interrupted

I'm Ambivalent

"I don't care."
"If it's your favorite word, I would've thought-"
"It means 'I don't care!'"
"On the contrary, ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition. Prefix as in ambidextrous means 'both,' the rest of it in Latin means 'figure.' The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action."
"Will I stay or will I go?"
"Am I sane or am I crazy?"
"Those aren't courses of action."
"They can be for some."

~Girl, Interrupted

Reflection Time?

I don't know. I only say that cause that's what my roommate's gone off and done so here I am sitting in bed at 6pm listening to X-Ray Dog music and freezing and wondering where my life went.

I feel horrible. I feel so sick, so miserable, so down, so everything. Last time my body was ever affected like this was high school when I was convinced I was going to die. Starting to think it might happen now.

I am apparently not handling some things very well over here if last night/this morning/today was any indication. I've actually fully mentally regressed back to high school mentalities and self destructive behaviors and man, it just sucks. All I want to do is sleep, but I don't really seem to get very good sleep. Sometimes I just want to yell "that's it, I'm done!" but I don't know who or what it's in reference to. I think I just want to be done with life. It makes me tired and sad and do things to myself and all I can think about is how preoccupied I've become with the thoughts of hurting myself. I just want to do it more, I want to feel the burn more, I want to know that I feel something underneath the layers of my clothes that no one else could have any clue exists.

Man, and I really thought I fucked something up with my roommate last night, but obviously it was all in my head if today was any indication as we got home at pretty much the same time and sat across from each other at the table and had a normal (enough) conversation. There was a small moment of "what's wrong with you" directed towards me that I desperately tried to deflect, but you know, I'm not as savvy as I think I am I'm sure. And what could I say? I can't even completely understand what feels I'm feeling or why I feel them, so I sure as hell can't verbalize it to someone else. I only know I feel like absolute shit and wishing I wasn't conscious for like the next 48 hours. I know I was very sick when I woke up this morning. I know I used to be exactly like this when I was in high school and suffering through life one miserable day at a time. Anyways, she was oblivious to the thing that I thought ruined things so that was fine.

Ya know, this is because I'm being God-less right now. I'm not completely trying, but I'm not trying very hard to incorporate anything religious in my life. I sleep with this bible beside me. I never open it. I wrap a cross around my wrist at night to save myself from the weird things that can happen, but how long before my blind ignorant faith gets the best of me and I'm propelled into hell or something? I'm now so preoccupied by this hell concept I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like, good things are happening to people who are actively taking the time to read their bibles and put God as a focus in their life and I'm just getting worse. I never lose my faith, but I just flit. It's like I'm floating through life right now, taking circumstances as they come. I don't make my own, I'm not being proactive living, I just wander daily and whatever happens, happens. Sometimes I don't like the idea of being able to control my life. That's why I like it when I'm drunk. There is no control.

It just sucks that I'm back to "high school" in my head. It sucks that I can't tell her things. I really want to, but there's never a good time. I'm supposed to learn how to be a little more reliant on others, and I live with someone... Doesn't that mean we're supposed to confide? God knows she has in me. I guess I just think I'm too much. If I started one little thing, it would all come out and... I think it's better it doesn't. Maybe if I can get to the weekend, things will go away. I won't be tired. I would like that.

Realization

I'm coming to the realization that when good things happen to the people around me, I start reminding myself of why I'm such a loser and how much I hate myself. Maybe it's a subconscious thing to try to turn attention back to me, but since I don't say anything out loud it can't be very effective if it's true. And I have had good things happen to me, so I shouldn't be complaining.

But I mean, it's not like things happen or are going to happen to me in the relationship department and I guess that's always the downer that comes creeping back into my mind every once in a while. It's like I have to make sure to remind myself of crap when I'm having the best time of my life and am on top of the world. Ok, stay grounded, I get it. But isn't there a better way to do that than making me feel like crap since I know I'm never going to have another half or other to be a part of my life? It's like, I get it, I'm going to be alone, great. Which is why it's good that I may be getting a little success in the job side of my life since that's all I've got going for myself.

It's unfortunate, knowing you're too screwed up or crazy to ever have a decent relationship or guy be a part of your life, but I mean, the normal, stable guys don't want crazy girls. I will always be a crazy girl I fear, I mean, my arms just prove it. Relationships are hard enough work as it is, so why would someone take on a case that makes it even more difficult to deal with? We should all aspire to ease in our lives, especially with relationships since they feel like the things that make or break you the most, so why would you do extra work? I wouldn't. And I very well know that all I am is work and no one is going to take me on. And it's fine. I made my bed and am lying in it. Would I have still done it if I knew I would be here at this point in my life? I can't say. When you're in high school or any major point of your life it's really hard to see beyond it with the realization that you'll be changed, grown, have better perspective. And in a lot of ways I really thought I wasn't going to make it past high school.

So, I have to be supportive of the others around me who may not be perfectly put together but are better off than I and hope for the best in their lives and loves and trials and tribulations. I'll never have any experience to go off of to help them with, but hopefully somehow I'll be able to make do. All the better for everyone else. And me? Tch, what do I care? I don't even want to be alive most days.

And on This End

Life has been happening. And obviously I've been too busy or it's been too important for me to get on here. Ok, or remember I actually own a blog. Whoops.

Life is going decently well for this girl. Got a gig at a film festival, got a gig in a short, got a sort of intern promotion, life could be worse. The roomie thing is nice. I backed off my thinking and analyzing every single little detail and realized that while I was missing her for a week when we didn't see each other she was missing me too so I wasn't being strangely emotional or having weird feels. Slowly coming to the concept that if I feel like there's a place for her in my world, there's no reason she wouldn't feel the same way.

Yea, I'm frustrated I still have some issues showing emotion even after all this epiphany crap. I think the bottom line is I'm still getting to know her, so things that I know would send me through the roof excited for my other friends, I'm a lot more mellow strictly because that connection has not made itself in my brain yet. The natural, unconscious, instinctive feeling isn't there yet. And that is just time. And I think that'll get there. The concern is how long that process may be. When I think about how I'm around my other friends and how natural everything is, I remember most of them I've known almost all my life so it makes sense we'd be that natural and it'd be just that easy. But omg, there's no way I can EVER know my roommate for my whole life since half of it (or so it feels) has already passed me by. I know I'm not leaving this place for a while, but how long will this take? I am so concerned.

And this does make it frustrating when I really, really want to help her out with advice about things but I'm so.... Blank. And I don't have anything good to say, I can't fathom trying to give her a hug when I kind of want to, and I just can't feel. When put right in the situation, I just don't feel. Put out of the situation I feel everything. But that's not helpful because I won't share that feeling crap cuz it makes me feel a little neurotic and crazy and weird. But when I really NEED to feel, and be there, I just feel like I'm failing at that. I want to be a good roommate. I want to be a good friend. I think we're friends. We must be friends.

And that's the crap I'm talking about. "We must be friends." Why in the hell wouldn't we? Just because my mind can't do definitions doesn't mean other people's don't work just fine. I mean, for the love of everything sacred, why can't I just get over it? Why can't I just make my mind not afraid of the things that I desire the most? Why can't I loosen up to prove that those are the things I do want? Why can't I stop being afraid of looking like I'm vulnerable and in the moment when that is how I feel and want? Why do I have to be a walking contradiction all the time? I mean, I just keep letting go and closing my eyes and just going, and there has to have been progress made, but sometimes I feel it's too slow and not enough and I want to prove I am here in the present acknowledging you, caring for you, concerned for you, and just sometimes.... I feel like that will never be seen.

But no, in the end, I guess.... Life is ok.

Thinking

I think I need to stop thinking so much in my life. I literally need to close my eyes, and go with whatever flow is around me. I like to think and mull and over analyze and in the end it only makes me feel like crap while everyone around me is completely oblivious that I even feel upset because there's no way they could know. I mean, I need to not be stupid and think when I need to think, but there's just a lot I can't turn my mind off of that is completely unnecessary to even be thought about. And I like things the way they are. And if I don't think about them, they can only get better right? How do you do it? How do you not think about the things that are the most important things in your life that get the least amount of benefit out of thought?

Or maybe it's not thought as much as hope or creating your ideal situations and lives and contacts and communications and moments that just don't work that way in the real world. I had a huge issue with that when I was in high school (though granted I had a huge issue with denial in high school as well), and somehow I found it appropriate back then to let my mind go crazy, maybe if only because I knew anything I dreamt up could never happen or I wanted to have some esp ability that if I thought it up it would happen and I would be a genius or something. I don't think I need to do that now. I don't think it has the best purpose anymore for where I am in life. I think it bothers me more than it helps me. I think there are some things I need to get over. I think I'm too sensitive with some things. I don't think I'm properly closing my eyes and letting the current of this life carry me like it should.

I think I could stand to be a bit more frank. I could stand to be a bit more on top of things. More verbal, speak my mind. Maybe I should stop hiding so much that I hide. But there's a time and place and sometimes I'm not sure that's ready yet. And maybe it isn't. But I need to be more frank. I need to just talk. Be normal. Just be normal. Close your mind and talk. Don't dare try too hard to come up with something to say. Just. Talk. Engage. Engage. Just... Engage.

Back to Normal

Ugh, I just want to first off say I need to stop drinking. Also, I need to stop drinking on weeknights. Also, I'm right at the point in life where I could use a sassy gay friend to call me a stupid bitch and say "what what WHAT are you doing?" and "look at your life, look at your choices." Yea. Anyways.

So yesterday was kinda unusual but a nice change from how the household works around here, but I think we were both kinda paying for the night before. Me particularly. Someone needs to force feed me if I plan on drinking, I just can't keep drinking on empty stomachs and drinking as much as I like. Side note though, I digress. So yesterday was a nice chill Lost marathon day. I've been trying to teach myself to believe people when they say things like "I'm happy you're here," but it's really hard. I mean, logically they have absolutely no reason to lie and say something like that so I keep trying to tell myself to get over it and accept it. I feel like I kind of come and go in people's lives though, and that's pretty much true. I get restless easily, I get worried easily, I get anxious easily and if I think for one moment the other person has figured me out too deeply, I have to leave.

And it's not that I don't want people to understand what makes me tick and my "deep" crap, but it's really dangerous allowing someone in like that. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, I'm allowed into others' worries and concerns and deepnesses so I should return the favor, but I think there's too much. There's just too much more than being in the restless stage of life trying to understand myself. There are things past that, things that are really dangerous, things that stem from self-loathing behavior and feeling. And I have to do my best to brush it off and simplify it by saying I'm a 25 year old student/struggling artist looking for a place to call my own. Or I'm a fucked up girl looking for a piece of mind. Either or really. And that's the best I can do.

I like it when people confide in me, it makes me feel important and helps me understand who they are past the surface and I usually need that since I tend to make everyone around me look perfect and myself the complete and total loser. Even about friend troubles, even family troubles, even troubles that somehow affect me without them knowing it affects me. And that recently happened and it was interesting and kind of voided my last entry on here. And then it got better, and then today happened, and everything is back to normal as it always was. Everything has changed, and everything is back. And boo on my end.

Well not really. I have to look at my life as isolated incidences which is what yesterday was. Just an incident in the past not meant for a repeat but meant to shape the rest of my life for the better (or worse if I get bitter), and that's all it is. Living here is kind of like that. Everyday is just an isolated incident. And I am still essentially on my own.

And it's a super nice day and I want to be outside so badly but I have no place to go. And the roomie took off sometime in there when I was taking a shower and as I said we're back to normal. I need to eat, I haven't really had much in the past 36 hours except half a bottle of tums and well, here we are.

Everything Changes

Am I the only one who says things like "oh it's fine" when dealing with something that makes you not feel fine? Like if you say it's ok you can blow off what you're feeling and pretend you won't feel it? I can't be the only one.

It didn't take me long to go from "life is pretty much great" back to "well....I'm living because I'm breathing, that is all." I suppose that isn't a surprise though when it comes to me and it's only a matter of time before highs wear off.

Some stuff is going to change, that's all, in my life and the people's lives around me. Dynamics will be shifting, groups will be changing, and I guess I'm just trying to put it all together before I go back. Originally when I went into this living in the cities with someone else thing, I walked in with the mentality that we are living under the same roof, but we are very different people living separate lives. I didn't necessarily want to connect my life with someone else even if we were in somewhat close quarters. I also didn't believe we had enough in common to get along past roommate/acquaintance. And then I discovered on the outside we might be different, but we still had a lot in common past that surface level and I threw out my rule.

I'm wishing I had stuck to the rule a bit, because I think I'm in for some tough times ahead now that certain people are back in other people's lives and well, let's just say I don't think I can compete. And you know what? I don't want to. I'm the kind of person who refuses to compete for a person's attention or affection or what have you. It has to be their own conscious will to want to give anything like that to me or to whoever else it may be. There's no point in fighting for it because who says they'd want to give it to you in the first place? And our lives are already busy, I fear this figure that's been established for so long already is just going to make sure any of the little bit of time that our paths cross won't be ours.

This isn't to say I won't continue growing socially and get to know other people, because that is inevitably going to be happening, but there is a huge intimidation factor walking into an environment of people that have been established for....ever, it seems. It's an odd man out/third wheel situation and that isn't something I particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with. And early on when I started living there I had some freak out moments feeling like that before realizing I can be friendly and socially contribute. No doubt this will happen again, but there are just higher stakes. I don't know, I'm tired and this has been on my mind. Maybe I'll feel better now.

"If you just walked away,
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?"

~Staind, Everything Changes

My Facebook Status Says...

"Actually feeling like I like life."

Scary isn't it? It really is. But it's.... Nice.

I just joined a film project where I got to manage a casting call tonight and I'm gonna stick with them because I really like them and I can help them out as casting assistant/PA/all around assistant for the project. This should be good, it's called networking and it's something I rarely do even though I am very well aware of how important that is in this industry and hopefully something good should come out of it.


And this whole living thing is working out pretty well. I think that last weekend fiasco cemented something more, I'm not sure. I also am not sure I'm coherent at this point. And it's not even that late. I feel like we've delved into what girls need to delve into when it comes to new relationships and friendships and whatnot and even though we haven't had the outburst that I know is waiting to happen... Well, wait, that's a lie.

I did have my small outburst the other week when I got stuck in a group about politics with her and I legit got a headache halfway through cause I HATE IT. After they left, I may have gone off a little (using a few choice words I don't believe I've spoken around her) about how I see life with politics and God's law versus man's law and pretty much flat out said I don't give a flying fuck about what man does and what laws he sets up. He can do what he wants but in the end God'll reign his law over it all so who cares. I don't care about other people, I don't care about myself, I don't care.

Sidenote. Be careful to not tell people you don't give a damn about yourself too often. It's not always the best idea in the world.

Anyways, that led to the air being open/cleared and then we had a nice talk about relationships and the past and yea. Old news. And I somehow managed to blurt out "I'm alone" yesterday when we were talking which was also not the wisest idea. It was in relation to family dying and I did have to flat out say after my parents are gone, I AM alone. There was no lie or pretense there, just the truth, but I mean... Should people be talking about that stuff?

But I did say I wanted to be more emotionally connected to people. But I mean, I don't know if it's a good idea to just blurt out all your baggage and history and pains and torments just for the hell of it. Time and place thing. Which is why the only attribution left about me has not been discussed, I'm sure. She's seen the scars, she's seen my attitude, but oh boy that would be a whole new can of worms that would take a long time to discuss  that we actually don't have. So in the end, it's fine. We did start watching Lost together which has been a nice way of saying "hey I like being around you" and we seem to actively try to find ways to spend time together, but it's still just.... Smaller. Like I said, it's fine. Besides, things will change next week when her best friend comes home from Guatemala and they can be together all the time again like apparently they always are. I can go back to.... Regressing?

But right now, things are ok. Weird.

Intense

So life has gone intense. I've gone a little intense. I'm still a little unnerved by my actions lately, but things have happened and been said and nothing will ever change that so I have to continue on. But jeez, in the span of four days I've really let myself go and just been way more vulnerable and raw than I ever show, especially to someone who is considerably new in my life. And some of it was bound to happen. Some of it.

I don't really know what it is with women and the desire to have to bond emotionally. I've seen it my entire life and grasp it, but I don't understand it. There's just something for us that clicks when we finally open up, even if just briefly, and reveal what's really inside us I guess. I think it settles things or gives a sense of subconscious reassurance or lets you know that you're not the only one. So... That happened. And actually it was refreshing to finally talk in person with someone about my past church issue and that Christian Asshole. That was nice. Which led to us actively trying to make plans to do things together over the weekend. And that was nice too.

And then I got bad news about a friend's grandparent that shook me up and I didn't do the best job hiding it. Thank goodness I didn't cry in front of anyone, but the second I got home alone texting my friend I pretty much lost it. And I don't even completely know why. It was a grandparent and I mean, I lost both my grandmas in under a year span of time. And it was bad circumstances though I never asked for further details and that freaked me out that it was such a sudden accident because that's what I've been afraid of forever for my own family. He wasn't much older than my parents. And I guess reality hit hard.

And I tried as hard as I could to be supportive. I mean, touchy feely words are not my forte, I just don't do them, but I tried so hard to tell her I was here. Strangely enough I think that triggered something in me as well and I just had to cry. And I haven't cried for a long time and have had a LOT bottled up in me so it was only a matter of time before there was a trigger. It was just unfortunate this was it.

I went to the wake today to support her and I almost lost it the second I got in that funeral home. I've been to too many and I've seen too many caskets and too many picture displays--especially of grandparents and this just tore me seeing that healthy face and him smiling and just thinking this wasn't fair to take a person like that off this earth and all the people it hurt. He wasn't sick, he was in his prime, and it was just.... I felt the impending doom that I try to pretend doesn't exist when it comes to my family. I'm so afraid of my parents dying and family going and leaving me alone because they are the only ones I have and I just got so scared.

Needless to say I made it through and she was grateful and I was happy. Because I've been getting tired of being emotionally disconnected from the people I call friends and most people really and I think this was a big step to just being honest and not an ice queen. I don't know what's going to happen after this, but maybe I'll actually grow for once.

Though I couldn't tell you what my roommate must think. I mean, we go one night dishing our hearts out about guys and life situations to the next night me trying to not cry every 10 seconds and I think actually saying out loud I don't want to be emotionally disconnected anymore and her answering "you aren't right now" to the next night of us going out and me being smashed out of my mind but of course loving up life because that's how I roll when I drink. I remember we found a photo booth... That old fashioned kind? I just thought it was nice she'd actually want to take pictures with me. Ya know, I never know where I stand with people after all and that's usually my hang up. But I'm trying to get over that as best I can. Things could be ok. And we just have to take everything as it comes and never once analyze anything that is going on.

But being tomorrow is Monday and I'm leaving Thursday to go home to work for the weekend and she's insanely busy as usual during the week we will probably not see each other for like a week anyways. Feels a little unstable for my liking, but I also love being alone. And well, I guess that's the best we can all do.

So I've cut down on eating lately and when I say cut down, I mean not really eating anything except pieces of toast and water and more toast evidently. I'm finding my head feels like it's actually in a state of being drunk and I'm not sure how I feel about it. For some odd reason though I am enjoying feeling weird and off kilter and being able to control myself to not eat. There's some bad body image stuff going on I guess, but it's giving me the perfect excuse to hurt myself since that is a favorite feeling state of mine. Ah well. Life. If I just lose 20 pounds I'll look so much better.

But yea, life is intense.

Pass

You don't have to try so hard,
Looking so together.
Everything is falling apart.
Look, your hands are shaking.
I can see right thru your eyes,
It's how your heart is breaking.
A prayer is whispered up to heaven,
From my lips to God's ear.
Close your eyes and let yourself go,
Knowing He's here.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now, it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think it's gonna pass.
You are not alone in this world.
It may seem that way here,
It's just the way it is.
You can barely stand.
I will help, with the Lord we'll get thru.
Give me your hand.
A prayer is whispered up to heaven.
From my lips to God's ear.
Close your eyes and let yourself go,
Knowing He's here.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think it's gonna pass.
Haven't I already told you,
You are my family?
Anything that breaks your heart,
It does the same to me.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now, it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think,
It's gonna pass.

~Keri Noble, Pass

For my friend who needs it right now

Migraines

I had the worst night last night thanks to some evil migraine attack. Therefore I did not get any sleep. Count that, NONE. Really sucked for the fact I had to get up early today to do my internship and almost got my car stuck in its parking spot on the road thanks to the evil wet snow/ice thing that froze around and on top of my car. But then that place always turns out to be awesome, so it was a good thing I went even if I was debating calling in sick. Got to bond with my supervisor who I love because she's just an awesome person, did a bit of networking with someone I had met a few weeks ago, met someone new, showed off my fx makeup skills to them (which really is not that much), and they were impressed, and yea. But then I get home. I then I want to die.

My roommate didn't sleep last night either. I feel like that would've been a perfect opportunity for us to be miserable together at 3 in the morning spilling our guts and eating ice cream or something but I'm pretty sure neither one of us was going to sacrifice getting out of a warm bed. And my head was killing me.

However, I feel we (or just me) went super anti social on each other when we got home and just weren't having  or taking any crap from each other. I quickly went on this kick to play Silent Hill Shattered Memories so I could unlock a secret ending since I had already played it and it was pretty straightforward and then she got wrapped up in the crap on CNN and we really didn't see each other. She probably went to bed like two hours ago. Well. It's weird. And we had had a decent night last night when I got her to play the game a bit and we watched Glee and all that jazz and we were actually happy. But we were also coherent so in the end I'm sure that has something to do with it.

And I don't feel like being very social right now to tell you the truth. I've been doing it way a lot lately and no doubt that is contributing to this head thing of mine that I feel starting again. If two hours of us hanging out gives me migraines, what am I supposed to do about the rest of the however many hours in a week? And she's having people over tomorrow that I've hung out with, but oh man, I am just not ready to play hostess and besides, they're a group and they are coming over for group activities that I don't want to intrude on. And, quite frankly, some that I'm not interested in to begin with.

And I don't know, I just don't like feeling like I go backwards with people. And it's probably just my mind perceiving everything wrong since that's what it's there for, but it unfortunately bums me out without me even thinking about it. I guess I feel residual energy or something. I don't feel anything physically, but I feel underneath that, the remnants of emotions and feelings. I think that's called empathic when you take on the emotions around you or of others as your own. And as much as I like to play ice queen, unfortunately all I do is absorb emotions of others around me. But I don't want to be confused with like, a psychic or medium or something. I know they like to use lines like that when people go ghost hunting and crap like that, but that's not what I am nor do I even feel like. And I don't verbalize it period. One, because I don't want to look like I'm trying to be some medium walking into old houses and going "omg there's such a sad energy in this room but in this other one I feel angry" and saying lines as such and two, because I still have a problem with seeing emotion as being weak. Especially showing more vulnerable types. I just don't want to look weak and hurt even though essentially that's all I am inside. That's where the ice queen thing comes in. It's just a protection and self preservation thing, that's all.

And yea, sometimes it's unfortunate. I never feel like I'm fully whole because on a daily basis with the people around me I don't tend to show my spectrum of emotions. I laugh and smile at things yes, but I don't actually feel it inside. Usually when I'm in situations like that I don't tend to be able to feel anything, like I can't feel my face muscles when I smile or laugh to know that I am actually smiling or laughing so I never really feel whole. I know how to act appropriately and say and do all the proper things, but for once in my life I wish I could feel inside what I'm doing on the outside. That's a really weird concept, you know that? I don't think most people have even thought of something like that probably because it rarely applies to anyone. But I, for whatever odd reason, can see and read and acknowledge that little piece of connectivity within us that everyone else takes for granted. That circuitry, if you will. And maybe that's only because my circuitry is screwed up.

Ah well. I'm gonna take some excederin pm and eat lots of tums and go to bed. I just don't feel good. And I have to try to build up energy for tomorrow. It may be a long day...

This Life

Well, so much for writing every night. Eh, well, no big deal. Granted I figured it might be more therapeutic for me to write out each day's feelings just so I don't bottle them up inside and do something irrational, but I guess for the most part I've been able to handle what's thrown at me.

In fact, I had a pretty great weekend. Friday night I was able to do a bit of bonding with the roommate when we watched Kristin's last Wicked performance and cried (well, she did. I mean, I teared up but just shoved my blanket in my eyes to take care of that problem). I was kinda happy that she was on the same page as me in regards to how much I've taken and cared for those characters (if only because they were Kristin and Idina) and I guess I felt a little more normal about myself. I was also pretty surprised at such a display of emotion that she showed. I mean, I go to extremes to make sure no one sees emotion coming from me on a daily basis that it was just different to see someone who is ok with that. I don't know why I'm not ok with doing it myself, but at that moment I thought maybe it wouldn't be that bad. And then the moment passed and I went back to my statue face.

Our bonding sessions are always pretty short which in some ways is good because I have that problem of social activity draining me mentally and physically and unfortunately that has been applying to my roommate. The other unfortunate thing is I've always had an issue in the past with having great bonding sessions with people one day and really having a flow and connection with them, and then the next day it feels like I'm starting out at square one again when I see them again. That's a brain thing, I'm pretty sure, some blockage up there that blocks my emotions as well. But it's epically frustrating when I'm trying to get to know this person and get close to this person.

And what's more frustrating is how much I just want to be close to someone in this world. I'm actually starting to feel a bit insane about that. But I'm finding a lot of new people in my life have this natural comfort with being close to other people if only in physical proximity-wise which I guess could be a good thing? If anything it'll force me to not be so over analytical and just go with the flow around me. The last thing I want to do is look like a twitchy freak who can't handle it when someone reaches over my shoulder to show me something on a computer. I'm better than that. I'm not THAT socially dysfunctional. I think.

But I think I've often talked about how all I want is to be touched. Of course then I have to follow it up with not necessarily sexually (but I'm all for that, equal opportunity) because that's true. There's just something about knowing how alone you are, your body is on a daily basis and you don't feel anything. You don't feel reassurance. You don't feel happiness. You don't feel desire. You don't feel anger. You don't feel pain. You don't feel anything. I sometimes wonder if I actually CAN feel physically. I feel so enclosed and I just need someone, something, to open it.

I'll never get very close to my roommate, will I? Because I don't know how, because I have too many blocks, too many walls, too many insecurities, too much of everything that is wrong that is a hindrance to deeper interpersonal activity. And she's a serious social butterfly, what does she need with one more person in her life? I pay her money and buy half the groceries of the house. That's all I'm needed for.

But I sometimes wonder, what would happen? I've never been around someone this normal and put together and stable before (I mean, I'm sure she has her own demons, but she's got most of her life figured out which is more than I can say for myself) and I just don't know how she would react to anything of my past. She finally noticed the scars on my arm the other day and I was able to blow it off because we were in conversation about something else and then today she commented on how she doesn't like the background of one of my tumblrs because it's a slashed up picture of legs that I did for devart when I was in a Silent Hill phase. But then we just watched the Glee episode today where someone tried to kill himself and she said she was sad but I just still wasn't sure. I mean, I can't relate to feeling sad watching that Glee episode because I've always been more on the depressed suicidal side and I'm fine with that. I understand those feelings and how low and dark you have to be but I (fortunately or unfortunately) believe for the most part that death is the best release a person can have so it's hard for me to get sad and sympathetic about that stuff because I know the other side well and I don't trust the people that say "I'm glad you didn't die" because do you know the implications of that? It means that that person is really and truly a part of you and cares, but NO ONE can care THAT MUCH that is required by a depressed or suicidal person. They don't get the depth, the intensity that needs to be there to so they can actually believe that person. Everyone wants life for everyone, but they don't want to put in the work of giving life meaning. There was a saying I reblogged on tumblr that sums it up pretty perfectly:

"It's easy to tell me not to kill myself. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around." Post.

Anyways I've lost sight of the point of this entry as I often do. Bottom line is I'm not as pathetically depressing as I seem on here, and life really is flowing around me and it's a nice change, but those are the truths I hold close to my heart. Those are my concerns. They are what makes me me. And that might be really bad and suck, but that is what is inside me. No, I don't know if it's right or proper and it probably isn't, but they are what they are. I am what I am. Unfortunately.

So Much Life

Beginning to think I need to start writing daily again. The truth of the matter is this is the most eventful time of my life that I've ever had and I think some chronicling should be done. And for once, most of it is...good.

Since I've been living here, almost no day goes by that doesn't have activity or interaction in it (which easily correlates to the fact I have a roommate now). There is always life around me, a world I'm not used to but have wanted to be a part of taking shape right in front of my eyes. It's unbelievable. And a lot of the time I don't even know how to take it, so I just roll. This isn't to say I still don't have my down times, but I don't have much time for them anymore. I still have life concerns and worries and fears and stresses, but physically I feel eased a bit for some reason.

My roommate is essentially the triple threat girl I speak of and it took me a little while to get used to the idea that this pretty and bubbly thing could actually like me and that I could actually fit in her life. And while I'm still not fully integrated, only I can do something to make it stick. No doubt having some social like her around me is going to help ease me into being able to be more social in the real world, especially at places where networking is the key. And it's the only key. I'm also learning how to take regard for someone else a bit more and forcing myself to be appropriate in places I'm unfamiliar in. I have to remember to make an effort when she comes home from work to talk to her and hang out and not just sit up in my loft and continue watching netflix. The same goes for when she has people over from her small group at church. I'm now part of the hosting committee. It's very new but can only benefit me.

And I am going to a church in the cities that has so far turned out to be decent compared to the one back home. I'm trying my hardest to get involved in groups so I can get to know people and I'm proud of the initiative I have to take and that I do take. And now when I go to church alone, I'm no longer anxious or hyperventilating. That's amazing. It doesn't mean I take absolutely everything they say verbatim, and I'm not nearly as into the missionary thing and spreading the word as they are, but there's always a grain of salt you take with any place of faith you find. Honestly, this isn't to say down the road the church just isn't going to work out, but as of right now I'm content.

I suppose I should say the only thing I'm concerned about and should be concerned about is the amount of alcohol I can find and consume over here. I feel like it's never been so easy to have a drink or ten, and almost all the social gatherings I've gone to have involved alcohol in some way. While I consider this a godsend as seeing how it turns me into a normal talking social person, I can see how it could turn into a problem really fast. Like possibly being twenty blocks from home drunk after two (really good) cocktails at a cinema lounge event at nine o'clock at night and really not knowing what to do from there. Whoops.

So maybe I should have just had the one, but I wasn't feeling anything at the time I started drinking the second one... Caught up quick.

Well, if my only concern is something that can help benefit me too, then I'm not going to worry. Not yet anyway. When I become an alcoholic we'll talk. But for now, I just have to do what I have to do.

Begrudged

I just want to say I'm having a hard time getting over something. It is sticking with me and I feel like I'm constantly being reminded of it. And it's just... It's started to wear on me. So much. It's been months.

This stupid Christian asshole. That's what I call him, the Stupid Christian Asshole. And the Christian part is soo important. They all seem to be assholes. They just.... There's something I've noticed about the more hellbent "born again living righteously" brand that makes having a relationship with them almost impossible. Someone I was talking to noted how they don't do single dates, it's always a hang out in a group of people. Always groups, always people, hands off, just sit there looking like dumbfucks back and forth at each other. And then they can't really get into deep conversations because then that would be like a step below marriage. Now we have to get married cause we confessed some shit about how we feel in life. I don't understand. I don't understand how to be around these people. I need to be around drunk guys with a low cut shirt with my boobs falling out because at least then I get some one on one attention! I get fucking noticed for once and I get touched and I for a moment in my life feel I'm somewhat desirable to another human being! And the funny thing is, these drunk guys are always more fun to talk to you about your deep disturbing emotions. And they play along. And really that's all I need. They're good at it too. I am not looking long term. I'm just looking to silence my agony one day at a time.

And that was actually not the rant I was planning on ranting about. I mean, it fits though. It's in the general ball park of the real rant. And the real rant will go back to the ONE Christian Asshole. It just frustrates me so much that he acts all "yippy skippy you're this awesome new person that I just met and we have so much in common that we HAVE to hang out more and talk!" and then turns into "oh wait you existed once? why do you have my number?" And then I think well, he's an ADHD child who is really only focused on himself that he does this with everyone. And that panned out for a while. But now he's got some other girl he's stringing along (which MIND YOU, is JAILBAIT. Do 17 year old girls really have to go out with 22 year old men? Well ok he's not much of a man mentally...) that he's constantly facebooking and doing things with, and then it finally dawned on me. It was me all along. I was the problem.

I wasn't talented enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't outgoing enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.
I wasn't young enough.
I wasn't witty enough.
I wasn't cute enough.
I wasn't bubbly enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.

I knew this would be a problem one day, the who I am thing. I've been on the receiving end of conversations about a relative's boy/girlfriend who was all quiet and weird and reserved and what the hell was wrong with them enough to know I'm fucked in life. I can only imagine what this guy's mom was thinking about me. I'm sure she didn't like me. She probably told him to stay clear. And she's pretty controlling so no doubt she'd just make him anyways. But...

What happens when you are the not talented, pretty, skinny, outgoing, witty, bubbly enough person?

We don't fit do we?

And now I don't think I have anything left to say. What could there possibly be?

I guess we're done.

The Personality Disorders

For people's future references, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.

Not that anyone gives a damn.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Antisocial |||||| 30% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||| 46% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 78% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Someday...

"..when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I might try to be your friend again."

I'm going insane that I can't sleep. My fault though, too much stuff on my mind. I don't talk to anyone anywhere so it builds up and then tada! Elle has sleepless nights. Grr.

I'm mad that the guy I wanted to sleep with kinda just up and left the area. I'm not surprised though, he was never the type to have commitment or stability. Granted that's why I wanted to do him so badly, so it'd be done and we'd never have to speak again. And it's even more annoying that I finally moved back into his area. Well fuck you, whatever.

Not too long ago I happened upon a church page on facebook whose slogan I took as a personal challenge. Which isn't surprising really when it comes to me. I take everything involving this faith as a personal challenge. And as I should. I'm not going to be some oblivious ignorant religious fool if this is indeed my faith path that I chose. I'm not going to be the damned people in Silent Hill whose blind faith *in theory* kept them safe. And on that note, I am not a charity case. And for a bit, I feared that's what I was going to become. Someone's charity case for the greater good of his god. I am NO ONE's charity case.

Anyways. At least this church knows how to make contact with newbs properly and actually follow up correctly unlike some douchebags I know. I have half a mind to "kidnap" a certain person who thinks he can be this high and holy pastor of his own incredibly lame church and bring him to this service and tie him down to a chair and tell him flat out that if he doesn't figure out how to act like these people, he's just a fool and slight hypocrite and quite frankly, a jerk. Really only full of himself in the end. In fact, his entire family is like that. Yuck.

On that note, I feel like I haven't gotten closure with this person, but I don't really know the rules for such things and if I'm smart, I'll try to keep my fingers off my phone's texting ability. And it's that church too. I feel like I have the responsibility of telling these people how they hurt other people with false promises and frivolous pursuits. Sometimes people don't see certain things because they're engulfed in it, which is what outsiders are for. I have always been the outsider pretty much everywhere I've ever been, and this seems to be one of those cases that they're so ignorant and full of themselves and their talk that they've lost the entire point of reaching out to people like me. And that's why it hurt me so much. And I can only imagine I can't be the only person in this situation and that means I won't be the only person to be hurt by these people. It's thrown me into a tailspin of... crap, how dare people *of faith* do such a thing to another human being?

"I guess I'll die a bit each day,
But I'm always dying anyway.
I don't have the heart to stay.
And I can't take the pain."

Well I'm pretty messed up now. And every time I'm at that... good... church, it becomes more glaringly obvious. I've been twisted into something that isn't even worth a church and I listen to these messages and these songs and people that talk to me afterwards and I realize that I am so far gone. I am so angry. I am so bitter. So jaded. And as much as I would love someone to fix that, I know it won't happen. I don't tell my insides to anyone. They don't need the bother. And if anyone ever had been told, well, then I guess those people should realize they're special. But you know what? No matter. I won't be making that mistake again.

I moved into a house with someone. She's super nice and all and seems to want to be in my life but I just don't think I can let her in past surface. I realized just how much baggage I have from every little thing and person that ever happened in my life and it's just too much to even bother with. Though I guess the good news is she's on a mission trip til the 21st so guess who gets the whole house to herself?

Things could be worse.

I like being alone on my own again. Actually, I think the feelings are mixed, but they're also numbed. This tends to happen when I'm off on my own again. Actually, maybe I'm always numb. To be brazenly honest, I've started watching NCIS again and realized I'm the spitting image of Ziva at the moment. Ok, not looks wise (I only wish), but how she's restless and alone and looking for stability and a place to call her own and family. I had no idea the writers were using me as their Ziva inspiration. Also I managed to miss the fact we're in season 9. But I watched the last episode with that Tiva moment at the end... And the way Tony looked at her... I just....

Would someone ever look at me like that?

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my new bedroom rearranging my candles and incense completely alone and secure, I sort of wish someone would come up from behind me and wrap his arms around me a brief moment before I ask him what he thinks of the new arrangement. Because it's awesome to know that deep down I'm only insecure. And how lonely must it look on the outside with one lone girl in this huge house all alone in an isolated upstairs cranny organizing her makeup with no sense of home whatsoever? I am so tired.

And now I'm a strange cross between Ziva and Linda Salerno and I don't know how to take this. I only know I believe I've moved closer to that infamous bridge in the movie and my birthday is this month. Yea yea I've been threatening this for years or whatever but maybe I just need to visit the bridge. I know I can't very well kill myself or anything and jumping off a bridge is not on my top 10 ways to go, but hey, when in...a metaphorical state, do as they do? I'm also thinking about doing an extensive character study on Linda because everything about her is me and it's the most gut wrenching thing I've ever seen in film, how she was so spot on. Patrick Coyle is a frickin genius and I have a feeling he didn't even realize who he was creating when he wrote that.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand? Um, lonely lonely blah blah blah alone useless empty human being shell yadda yadda. It will never change. I'd love to say otherwise, but I know this state I'm in is never going to change. And I can keep trying to go to that church and its events to feel "fulfilled," but I know it will never end this pathetic existence of a life. It will never give me what or who I need. But that's because it's this world. And this world is not on my side.

"Someday when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I will try to be your friend again.

I don't want to see your face til then."

Song credits~The lovely Kristin Chenoweth. Who knew she had that in her?