Bed Ridden

Well. This day hasn't gotten any better.

Actually it was when I was out of the house. Had a fairly long production meeting that went really well and I think I'm showing vulnerability there that is super important for the producer and director to see and give me positive feedback. And I really just didn't want to come back to the house. I knew my roommate was having a grill out thing with her church small group and while I've met them all before and participated, I just wasn't having it tonight. Had some good food that I barely ate but it was good, and then snuck up to my room the second they were getting ready to discuss something. Just... Not tonight, ya know?

And now all I can do is lie in bed and hate myself. Hate what I'm feeling. Hate that when I went downstairs briefly, they were there on the couch and all she could do was give me a wink.

I just want to know why I'm feeling this? Why am I crying? Why do I hurt so badly? Why is my body breaking on the inside? Why when I look in the mirror I don't know who I'm looking at? Why do I have to be hurting myself again? Why do I so badly want to start slicing my arms up? Because I know I can do it deeper there with more control, and then I can look at it all the time and feel a calm. Because I took these feelings I don't want to have out of my body. I hate this. And I don't know if I feel so bad because I've regressed or if I just feel bad about my environment. And I feel bad that I might feel bad about my environment. Because up until this point my environment has been lovely. And I hate the thought that my roommate gets wise and begins thinking it's about this new development because I don't want to make her feel bad. And I honestly don't give a flying fuck about this couple thing. I don't care when he comes over, I don't care if he comes over, whatever time of day. I don't care, she can do whatever she wants, I'm ok with that.

Then why do I feel like I'm dying? And why does it flare up when he's here?

Fuck this. I'm not gonna be some passive aggressive bitch and make her stop the best thing that's happened in her life in a long time. I'm fine with suffering, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I could tell her things. I should've been able to do this long ago. I'm a virtual stranger and shell living under this roof, and that's not right either. It's almost 10:30. That's an appropriate time to sleep, yea?