Begrudged

I just want to say I'm having a hard time getting over something. It is sticking with me and I feel like I'm constantly being reminded of it. And it's just... It's started to wear on me. So much. It's been months.

This stupid Christian asshole. That's what I call him, the Stupid Christian Asshole. And the Christian part is soo important. They all seem to be assholes. They just.... There's something I've noticed about the more hellbent "born again living righteously" brand that makes having a relationship with them almost impossible. Someone I was talking to noted how they don't do single dates, it's always a hang out in a group of people. Always groups, always people, hands off, just sit there looking like dumbfucks back and forth at each other. And then they can't really get into deep conversations because then that would be like a step below marriage. Now we have to get married cause we confessed some shit about how we feel in life. I don't understand. I don't understand how to be around these people. I need to be around drunk guys with a low cut shirt with my boobs falling out because at least then I get some one on one attention! I get fucking noticed for once and I get touched and I for a moment in my life feel I'm somewhat desirable to another human being! And the funny thing is, these drunk guys are always more fun to talk to you about your deep disturbing emotions. And they play along. And really that's all I need. They're good at it too. I am not looking long term. I'm just looking to silence my agony one day at a time.

And that was actually not the rant I was planning on ranting about. I mean, it fits though. It's in the general ball park of the real rant. And the real rant will go back to the ONE Christian Asshole. It just frustrates me so much that he acts all "yippy skippy you're this awesome new person that I just met and we have so much in common that we HAVE to hang out more and talk!" and then turns into "oh wait you existed once? why do you have my number?" And then I think well, he's an ADHD child who is really only focused on himself that he does this with everyone. And that panned out for a while. But now he's got some other girl he's stringing along (which MIND YOU, is JAILBAIT. Do 17 year old girls really have to go out with 22 year old men? Well ok he's not much of a man mentally...) that he's constantly facebooking and doing things with, and then it finally dawned on me. It was me all along. I was the problem.

I wasn't talented enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't outgoing enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.
I wasn't young enough.
I wasn't witty enough.
I wasn't cute enough.
I wasn't bubbly enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.

I knew this would be a problem one day, the who I am thing. I've been on the receiving end of conversations about a relative's boy/girlfriend who was all quiet and weird and reserved and what the hell was wrong with them enough to know I'm fucked in life. I can only imagine what this guy's mom was thinking about me. I'm sure she didn't like me. She probably told him to stay clear. And she's pretty controlling so no doubt she'd just make him anyways. But...

What happens when you are the not talented, pretty, skinny, outgoing, witty, bubbly enough person?

We don't fit do we?

And now I don't think I have anything left to say. What could there possibly be?

I guess we're done.