Intense

So life has gone intense. I've gone a little intense. I'm still a little unnerved by my actions lately, but things have happened and been said and nothing will ever change that so I have to continue on. But jeez, in the span of four days I've really let myself go and just been way more vulnerable and raw than I ever show, especially to someone who is considerably new in my life. And some of it was bound to happen. Some of it.

I don't really know what it is with women and the desire to have to bond emotionally. I've seen it my entire life and grasp it, but I don't understand it. There's just something for us that clicks when we finally open up, even if just briefly, and reveal what's really inside us I guess. I think it settles things or gives a sense of subconscious reassurance or lets you know that you're not the only one. So... That happened. And actually it was refreshing to finally talk in person with someone about my past church issue and that Christian Asshole. That was nice. Which led to us actively trying to make plans to do things together over the weekend. And that was nice too.

And then I got bad news about a friend's grandparent that shook me up and I didn't do the best job hiding it. Thank goodness I didn't cry in front of anyone, but the second I got home alone texting my friend I pretty much lost it. And I don't even completely know why. It was a grandparent and I mean, I lost both my grandmas in under a year span of time. And it was bad circumstances though I never asked for further details and that freaked me out that it was such a sudden accident because that's what I've been afraid of forever for my own family. He wasn't much older than my parents. And I guess reality hit hard.

And I tried as hard as I could to be supportive. I mean, touchy feely words are not my forte, I just don't do them, but I tried so hard to tell her I was here. Strangely enough I think that triggered something in me as well and I just had to cry. And I haven't cried for a long time and have had a LOT bottled up in me so it was only a matter of time before there was a trigger. It was just unfortunate this was it.

I went to the wake today to support her and I almost lost it the second I got in that funeral home. I've been to too many and I've seen too many caskets and too many picture displays--especially of grandparents and this just tore me seeing that healthy face and him smiling and just thinking this wasn't fair to take a person like that off this earth and all the people it hurt. He wasn't sick, he was in his prime, and it was just.... I felt the impending doom that I try to pretend doesn't exist when it comes to my family. I'm so afraid of my parents dying and family going and leaving me alone because they are the only ones I have and I just got so scared.

Needless to say I made it through and she was grateful and I was happy. Because I've been getting tired of being emotionally disconnected from the people I call friends and most people really and I think this was a big step to just being honest and not an ice queen. I don't know what's going to happen after this, but maybe I'll actually grow for once.

Though I couldn't tell you what my roommate must think. I mean, we go one night dishing our hearts out about guys and life situations to the next night me trying to not cry every 10 seconds and I think actually saying out loud I don't want to be emotionally disconnected anymore and her answering "you aren't right now" to the next night of us going out and me being smashed out of my mind but of course loving up life because that's how I roll when I drink. I remember we found a photo booth... That old fashioned kind? I just thought it was nice she'd actually want to take pictures with me. Ya know, I never know where I stand with people after all and that's usually my hang up. But I'm trying to get over that as best I can. Things could be ok. And we just have to take everything as it comes and never once analyze anything that is going on.

But being tomorrow is Monday and I'm leaving Thursday to go home to work for the weekend and she's insanely busy as usual during the week we will probably not see each other for like a week anyways. Feels a little unstable for my liking, but I also love being alone. And well, I guess that's the best we can all do.

So I've cut down on eating lately and when I say cut down, I mean not really eating anything except pieces of toast and water and more toast evidently. I'm finding my head feels like it's actually in a state of being drunk and I'm not sure how I feel about it. For some odd reason though I am enjoying feeling weird and off kilter and being able to control myself to not eat. There's some bad body image stuff going on I guess, but it's giving me the perfect excuse to hurt myself since that is a favorite feeling state of mine. Ah well. Life. If I just lose 20 pounds I'll look so much better.

But yea, life is intense.