Realization

I'm coming to the realization that when good things happen to the people around me, I start reminding myself of why I'm such a loser and how much I hate myself. Maybe it's a subconscious thing to try to turn attention back to me, but since I don't say anything out loud it can't be very effective if it's true. And I have had good things happen to me, so I shouldn't be complaining.

But I mean, it's not like things happen or are going to happen to me in the relationship department and I guess that's always the downer that comes creeping back into my mind every once in a while. It's like I have to make sure to remind myself of crap when I'm having the best time of my life and am on top of the world. Ok, stay grounded, I get it. But isn't there a better way to do that than making me feel like crap since I know I'm never going to have another half or other to be a part of my life? It's like, I get it, I'm going to be alone, great. Which is why it's good that I may be getting a little success in the job side of my life since that's all I've got going for myself.

It's unfortunate, knowing you're too screwed up or crazy to ever have a decent relationship or guy be a part of your life, but I mean, the normal, stable guys don't want crazy girls. I will always be a crazy girl I fear, I mean, my arms just prove it. Relationships are hard enough work as it is, so why would someone take on a case that makes it even more difficult to deal with? We should all aspire to ease in our lives, especially with relationships since they feel like the things that make or break you the most, so why would you do extra work? I wouldn't. And I very well know that all I am is work and no one is going to take me on. And it's fine. I made my bed and am lying in it. Would I have still done it if I knew I would be here at this point in my life? I can't say. When you're in high school or any major point of your life it's really hard to see beyond it with the realization that you'll be changed, grown, have better perspective. And in a lot of ways I really thought I wasn't going to make it past high school.

So, I have to be supportive of the others around me who may not be perfectly put together but are better off than I and hope for the best in their lives and loves and trials and tribulations. I'll never have any experience to go off of to help them with, but hopefully somehow I'll be able to make do. All the better for everyone else. And me? Tch, what do I care? I don't even want to be alive most days.