Migraines

I had the worst night last night thanks to some evil migraine attack. Therefore I did not get any sleep. Count that, NONE. Really sucked for the fact I had to get up early today to do my internship and almost got my car stuck in its parking spot on the road thanks to the evil wet snow/ice thing that froze around and on top of my car. But then that place always turns out to be awesome, so it was a good thing I went even if I was debating calling in sick. Got to bond with my supervisor who I love because she's just an awesome person, did a bit of networking with someone I had met a few weeks ago, met someone new, showed off my fx makeup skills to them (which really is not that much), and they were impressed, and yea. But then I get home. I then I want to die.

My roommate didn't sleep last night either. I feel like that would've been a perfect opportunity for us to be miserable together at 3 in the morning spilling our guts and eating ice cream or something but I'm pretty sure neither one of us was going to sacrifice getting out of a warm bed. And my head was killing me.

However, I feel we (or just me) went super anti social on each other when we got home and just weren't having  or taking any crap from each other. I quickly went on this kick to play Silent Hill Shattered Memories so I could unlock a secret ending since I had already played it and it was pretty straightforward and then she got wrapped up in the crap on CNN and we really didn't see each other. She probably went to bed like two hours ago. Well. It's weird. And we had had a decent night last night when I got her to play the game a bit and we watched Glee and all that jazz and we were actually happy. But we were also coherent so in the end I'm sure that has something to do with it.

And I don't feel like being very social right now to tell you the truth. I've been doing it way a lot lately and no doubt that is contributing to this head thing of mine that I feel starting again. If two hours of us hanging out gives me migraines, what am I supposed to do about the rest of the however many hours in a week? And she's having people over tomorrow that I've hung out with, but oh man, I am just not ready to play hostess and besides, they're a group and they are coming over for group activities that I don't want to intrude on. And, quite frankly, some that I'm not interested in to begin with.

And I don't know, I just don't like feeling like I go backwards with people. And it's probably just my mind perceiving everything wrong since that's what it's there for, but it unfortunately bums me out without me even thinking about it. I guess I feel residual energy or something. I don't feel anything physically, but I feel underneath that, the remnants of emotions and feelings. I think that's called empathic when you take on the emotions around you or of others as your own. And as much as I like to play ice queen, unfortunately all I do is absorb emotions of others around me. But I don't want to be confused with like, a psychic or medium or something. I know they like to use lines like that when people go ghost hunting and crap like that, but that's not what I am nor do I even feel like. And I don't verbalize it period. One, because I don't want to look like I'm trying to be some medium walking into old houses and going "omg there's such a sad energy in this room but in this other one I feel angry" and saying lines as such and two, because I still have a problem with seeing emotion as being weak. Especially showing more vulnerable types. I just don't want to look weak and hurt even though essentially that's all I am inside. That's where the ice queen thing comes in. It's just a protection and self preservation thing, that's all.

And yea, sometimes it's unfortunate. I never feel like I'm fully whole because on a daily basis with the people around me I don't tend to show my spectrum of emotions. I laugh and smile at things yes, but I don't actually feel it inside. Usually when I'm in situations like that I don't tend to be able to feel anything, like I can't feel my face muscles when I smile or laugh to know that I am actually smiling or laughing so I never really feel whole. I know how to act appropriately and say and do all the proper things, but for once in my life I wish I could feel inside what I'm doing on the outside. That's a really weird concept, you know that? I don't think most people have even thought of something like that probably because it rarely applies to anyone. But I, for whatever odd reason, can see and read and acknowledge that little piece of connectivity within us that everyone else takes for granted. That circuitry, if you will. And maybe that's only because my circuitry is screwed up.

Ah well. I'm gonna take some excederin pm and eat lots of tums and go to bed. I just don't feel good. And I have to try to build up energy for tomorrow. It may be a long day...