Well, so much for writing every night. Eh, well, no big deal. Granted I figured it might be more therapeutic for me to write out each day's feelings just so I don't bottle them up inside and do something irrational, but I guess for the most part I've been able to handle what's thrown at me.
In fact, I had a pretty great weekend. Friday night I was able to do a bit of bonding with the roommate when we watched Kristin's last Wicked performance and cried (well, she did. I mean, I teared up but just shoved my blanket in my eyes to take care of that problem). I was kinda happy that she was on the same page as me in regards to how much I've taken and cared for those characters (if only because they were Kristin and Idina) and I guess I felt a little more normal about myself. I was also pretty surprised at such a display of emotion that she showed. I mean, I go to extremes to make sure no one sees emotion coming from me on a daily basis that it was just different to see someone who is ok with that. I don't know why I'm not ok with doing it myself, but at that moment I thought maybe it wouldn't be that bad. And then the moment passed and I went back to my statue face.
Our bonding sessions are always pretty short which in some ways is good because I have that problem of social activity draining me mentally and physically and unfortunately that has been applying to my roommate. The other unfortunate thing is I've always had an issue in the past with having great bonding sessions with people one day and really having a flow and connection with them, and then the next day it feels like I'm starting out at square one again when I see them again. That's a brain thing, I'm pretty sure, some blockage up there that blocks my emotions as well. But it's epically frustrating when I'm trying to get to know this person and get close to this person.
And what's more frustrating is how much I just want to be close to someone in this world. I'm actually starting to feel a bit insane about that. But I'm finding a lot of new people in my life have this natural comfort with being close to other people if only in physical proximity-wise which I guess could be a good thing? If anything it'll force me to not be so over analytical and just go with the flow around me. The last thing I want to do is look like a twitchy freak who can't handle it when someone reaches over my shoulder to show me something on a computer. I'm better than that. I'm not THAT socially dysfunctional. I think.
But I think I've often talked about how all I want is to be touched. Of course then I have to follow it up with not necessarily sexually (but I'm all for that, equal opportunity) because that's true. There's just something about knowing how alone you are, your body is on a daily basis and you don't feel anything. You don't feel reassurance. You don't feel happiness. You don't feel desire. You don't feel anger. You don't feel pain. You don't feel anything. I sometimes wonder if I actually CAN feel physically. I feel so enclosed and I just need someone, something, to open it.
I'll never get very close to my roommate, will I? Because I don't know how, because I have too many blocks, too many walls, too many insecurities, too much of everything that is wrong that is a hindrance to deeper interpersonal activity. And she's a serious social butterfly, what does she need with one more person in her life? I pay her money and buy half the groceries of the house. That's all I'm needed for.
But I sometimes wonder, what would happen? I've never been around someone this normal and put together and stable before (I mean, I'm sure she has her own demons, but she's got most of her life figured out which is more than I can say for myself) and I just don't know how she would react to anything of my past. She finally noticed the scars on my arm the other day and I was able to blow it off because we were in conversation about something else and then today she commented on how she doesn't like the background of one of my tumblrs because it's a slashed up picture of legs that I did for devart when I was in a Silent Hill phase. But then we just watched the Glee episode today where someone tried to kill himself and she said she was sad but I just still wasn't sure. I mean, I can't relate to feeling sad watching that Glee episode because I've always been more on the depressed suicidal side and I'm fine with that. I understand those feelings and how low and dark you have to be but I (fortunately or unfortunately) believe for the most part that death is the best release a person can have so it's hard for me to get sad and sympathetic about that stuff because I know the other side well and I don't trust the people that say "I'm glad you didn't die" because do you know the implications of that? It means that that person is really and truly a part of you and cares, but NO ONE can care THAT MUCH that is required by a depressed or suicidal person. They don't get the depth, the intensity that needs to be there to so they can actually believe that person. Everyone wants life for everyone, but they don't want to put in the work of giving life meaning. There was a saying I reblogged on tumblr that sums it up pretty perfectly:
"It's easy to tell me not to kill myself. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around." Post.
Anyways I've lost sight of the point of this entry as I often do. Bottom line is I'm not as pathetically depressing as I seem on here, and life really is flowing around me and it's a nice change, but those are the truths I hold close to my heart. Those are my concerns. They are what makes me me. And that might be really bad and suck, but that is what is inside me. No, I don't know if it's right or proper and it probably isn't, but they are what they are. I am what I am. Unfortunately.
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