Someday...

"..when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I might try to be your friend again."

I'm going insane that I can't sleep. My fault though, too much stuff on my mind. I don't talk to anyone anywhere so it builds up and then tada! Elle has sleepless nights. Grr.

I'm mad that the guy I wanted to sleep with kinda just up and left the area. I'm not surprised though, he was never the type to have commitment or stability. Granted that's why I wanted to do him so badly, so it'd be done and we'd never have to speak again. And it's even more annoying that I finally moved back into his area. Well fuck you, whatever.

Not too long ago I happened upon a church page on facebook whose slogan I took as a personal challenge. Which isn't surprising really when it comes to me. I take everything involving this faith as a personal challenge. And as I should. I'm not going to be some oblivious ignorant religious fool if this is indeed my faith path that I chose. I'm not going to be the damned people in Silent Hill whose blind faith *in theory* kept them safe. And on that note, I am not a charity case. And for a bit, I feared that's what I was going to become. Someone's charity case for the greater good of his god. I am NO ONE's charity case.

Anyways. At least this church knows how to make contact with newbs properly and actually follow up correctly unlike some douchebags I know. I have half a mind to "kidnap" a certain person who thinks he can be this high and holy pastor of his own incredibly lame church and bring him to this service and tie him down to a chair and tell him flat out that if he doesn't figure out how to act like these people, he's just a fool and slight hypocrite and quite frankly, a jerk. Really only full of himself in the end. In fact, his entire family is like that. Yuck.

On that note, I feel like I haven't gotten closure with this person, but I don't really know the rules for such things and if I'm smart, I'll try to keep my fingers off my phone's texting ability. And it's that church too. I feel like I have the responsibility of telling these people how they hurt other people with false promises and frivolous pursuits. Sometimes people don't see certain things because they're engulfed in it, which is what outsiders are for. I have always been the outsider pretty much everywhere I've ever been, and this seems to be one of those cases that they're so ignorant and full of themselves and their talk that they've lost the entire point of reaching out to people like me. And that's why it hurt me so much. And I can only imagine I can't be the only person in this situation and that means I won't be the only person to be hurt by these people. It's thrown me into a tailspin of... crap, how dare people *of faith* do such a thing to another human being?

"I guess I'll die a bit each day,
But I'm always dying anyway.
I don't have the heart to stay.
And I can't take the pain."

Well I'm pretty messed up now. And every time I'm at that... good... church, it becomes more glaringly obvious. I've been twisted into something that isn't even worth a church and I listen to these messages and these songs and people that talk to me afterwards and I realize that I am so far gone. I am so angry. I am so bitter. So jaded. And as much as I would love someone to fix that, I know it won't happen. I don't tell my insides to anyone. They don't need the bother. And if anyone ever had been told, well, then I guess those people should realize they're special. But you know what? No matter. I won't be making that mistake again.

I moved into a house with someone. She's super nice and all and seems to want to be in my life but I just don't think I can let her in past surface. I realized just how much baggage I have from every little thing and person that ever happened in my life and it's just too much to even bother with. Though I guess the good news is she's on a mission trip til the 21st so guess who gets the whole house to herself?

Things could be worse.

I like being alone on my own again. Actually, I think the feelings are mixed, but they're also numbed. This tends to happen when I'm off on my own again. Actually, maybe I'm always numb. To be brazenly honest, I've started watching NCIS again and realized I'm the spitting image of Ziva at the moment. Ok, not looks wise (I only wish), but how she's restless and alone and looking for stability and a place to call her own and family. I had no idea the writers were using me as their Ziva inspiration. Also I managed to miss the fact we're in season 9. But I watched the last episode with that Tiva moment at the end... And the way Tony looked at her... I just....

Would someone ever look at me like that?

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my new bedroom rearranging my candles and incense completely alone and secure, I sort of wish someone would come up from behind me and wrap his arms around me a brief moment before I ask him what he thinks of the new arrangement. Because it's awesome to know that deep down I'm only insecure. And how lonely must it look on the outside with one lone girl in this huge house all alone in an isolated upstairs cranny organizing her makeup with no sense of home whatsoever? I am so tired.

And now I'm a strange cross between Ziva and Linda Salerno and I don't know how to take this. I only know I believe I've moved closer to that infamous bridge in the movie and my birthday is this month. Yea yea I've been threatening this for years or whatever but maybe I just need to visit the bridge. I know I can't very well kill myself or anything and jumping off a bridge is not on my top 10 ways to go, but hey, when in...a metaphorical state, do as they do? I'm also thinking about doing an extensive character study on Linda because everything about her is me and it's the most gut wrenching thing I've ever seen in film, how she was so spot on. Patrick Coyle is a frickin genius and I have a feeling he didn't even realize who he was creating when he wrote that.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand? Um, lonely lonely blah blah blah alone useless empty human being shell yadda yadda. It will never change. I'd love to say otherwise, but I know this state I'm in is never going to change. And I can keep trying to go to that church and its events to feel "fulfilled," but I know it will never end this pathetic existence of a life. It will never give me what or who I need. But that's because it's this world. And this world is not on my side.

"Someday when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I will try to be your friend again.

I don't want to see your face til then."

Song credits~The lovely Kristin Chenoweth. Who knew she had that in her?