Am I the only one who says things like "oh it's fine" when dealing with something that makes you not feel fine? Like if you say it's ok you can blow off what you're feeling and pretend you won't feel it? I can't be the only one.
It didn't take me long to go from "life is pretty much great" back to "well....I'm living because I'm breathing, that is all." I suppose that isn't a surprise though when it comes to me and it's only a matter of time before highs wear off.
Some stuff is going to change, that's all, in my life and the people's lives around me. Dynamics will be shifting, groups will be changing, and I guess I'm just trying to put it all together before I go back. Originally when I went into this living in the cities with someone else thing, I walked in with the mentality that we are living under the same roof, but we are very different people living separate lives. I didn't necessarily want to connect my life with someone else even if we were in somewhat close quarters. I also didn't believe we had enough in common to get along past roommate/acquaintance. And then I discovered on the outside we might be different, but we still had a lot in common past that surface level and I threw out my rule.
I'm wishing I had stuck to the rule a bit, because I think I'm in for some tough times ahead now that certain people are back in other people's lives and well, let's just say I don't think I can compete. And you know what? I don't want to. I'm the kind of person who refuses to compete for a person's attention or affection or what have you. It has to be their own conscious will to want to give anything like that to me or to whoever else it may be. There's no point in fighting for it because who says they'd want to give it to you in the first place? And our lives are already busy, I fear this figure that's been established for so long already is just going to make sure any of the little bit of time that our paths cross won't be ours.
This isn't to say I won't continue growing socially and get to know other people, because that is inevitably going to be happening, but there is a huge intimidation factor walking into an environment of people that have been established for....ever, it seems. It's an odd man out/third wheel situation and that isn't something I particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with. And early on when I started living there I had some freak out moments feeling like that before realizing I can be friendly and socially contribute. No doubt this will happen again, but there are just higher stakes. I don't know, I'm tired and this has been on my mind. Maybe I'll feel better now.
"If you just walked away,
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?"
~Staind, Everything Changes
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