Life has been happening. And obviously I've been too busy or it's been too important for me to get on here. Ok, or remember I actually own a blog. Whoops.
Life is going decently well for this girl. Got a gig at a film festival, got a gig in a short, got a sort of intern promotion, life could be worse. The roomie thing is nice. I backed off my thinking and analyzing every single little detail and realized that while I was missing her for a week when we didn't see each other she was missing me too so I wasn't being strangely emotional or having weird feels. Slowly coming to the concept that if I feel like there's a place for her in my world, there's no reason she wouldn't feel the same way.
Yea, I'm frustrated I still have some issues showing emotion even after all this epiphany crap. I think the bottom line is I'm still getting to know her, so things that I know would send me through the roof excited for my other friends, I'm a lot more mellow strictly because that connection has not made itself in my brain yet. The natural, unconscious, instinctive feeling isn't there yet. And that is just time. And I think that'll get there. The concern is how long that process may be. When I think about how I'm around my other friends and how natural everything is, I remember most of them I've known almost all my life so it makes sense we'd be that natural and it'd be just that easy. But omg, there's no way I can EVER know my roommate for my whole life since half of it (or so it feels) has already passed me by. I know I'm not leaving this place for a while, but how long will this take? I am so concerned.
And this does make it frustrating when I really, really want to help her out with advice about things but I'm so.... Blank. And I don't have anything good to say, I can't fathom trying to give her a hug when I kind of want to, and I just can't feel. When put right in the situation, I just don't feel. Put out of the situation I feel everything. But that's not helpful because I won't share that feeling crap cuz it makes me feel a little neurotic and crazy and weird. But when I really NEED to feel, and be there, I just feel like I'm failing at that. I want to be a good roommate. I want to be a good friend. I think we're friends. We must be friends.
And that's the crap I'm talking about. "We must be friends." Why in the hell wouldn't we? Just because my mind can't do definitions doesn't mean other people's don't work just fine. I mean, for the love of everything sacred, why can't I just get over it? Why can't I just make my mind not afraid of the things that I desire the most? Why can't I loosen up to prove that those are the things I do want? Why can't I stop being afraid of looking like I'm vulnerable and in the moment when that is how I feel and want? Why do I have to be a walking contradiction all the time? I mean, I just keep letting go and closing my eyes and just going, and there has to have been progress made, but sometimes I feel it's too slow and not enough and I want to prove I am here in the present acknowledging you, caring for you, concerned for you, and just sometimes.... I feel like that will never be seen.
But no, in the end, I guess.... Life is ok.
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