Reflection Time?

I don't know. I only say that cause that's what my roommate's gone off and done so here I am sitting in bed at 6pm listening to X-Ray Dog music and freezing and wondering where my life went.

I feel horrible. I feel so sick, so miserable, so down, so everything. Last time my body was ever affected like this was high school when I was convinced I was going to die. Starting to think it might happen now.

I am apparently not handling some things very well over here if last night/this morning/today was any indication. I've actually fully mentally regressed back to high school mentalities and self destructive behaviors and man, it just sucks. All I want to do is sleep, but I don't really seem to get very good sleep. Sometimes I just want to yell "that's it, I'm done!" but I don't know who or what it's in reference to. I think I just want to be done with life. It makes me tired and sad and do things to myself and all I can think about is how preoccupied I've become with the thoughts of hurting myself. I just want to do it more, I want to feel the burn more, I want to know that I feel something underneath the layers of my clothes that no one else could have any clue exists.

Man, and I really thought I fucked something up with my roommate last night, but obviously it was all in my head if today was any indication as we got home at pretty much the same time and sat across from each other at the table and had a normal (enough) conversation. There was a small moment of "what's wrong with you" directed towards me that I desperately tried to deflect, but you know, I'm not as savvy as I think I am I'm sure. And what could I say? I can't even completely understand what feels I'm feeling or why I feel them, so I sure as hell can't verbalize it to someone else. I only know I feel like absolute shit and wishing I wasn't conscious for like the next 48 hours. I know I was very sick when I woke up this morning. I know I used to be exactly like this when I was in high school and suffering through life one miserable day at a time. Anyways, she was oblivious to the thing that I thought ruined things so that was fine.

Ya know, this is because I'm being God-less right now. I'm not completely trying, but I'm not trying very hard to incorporate anything religious in my life. I sleep with this bible beside me. I never open it. I wrap a cross around my wrist at night to save myself from the weird things that can happen, but how long before my blind ignorant faith gets the best of me and I'm propelled into hell or something? I'm now so preoccupied by this hell concept I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like, good things are happening to people who are actively taking the time to read their bibles and put God as a focus in their life and I'm just getting worse. I never lose my faith, but I just flit. It's like I'm floating through life right now, taking circumstances as they come. I don't make my own, I'm not being proactive living, I just wander daily and whatever happens, happens. Sometimes I don't like the idea of being able to control my life. That's why I like it when I'm drunk. There is no control.

It just sucks that I'm back to "high school" in my head. It sucks that I can't tell her things. I really want to, but there's never a good time. I'm supposed to learn how to be a little more reliant on others, and I live with someone... Doesn't that mean we're supposed to confide? God knows she has in me. I guess I just think I'm too much. If I started one little thing, it would all come out and... I think it's better it doesn't. Maybe if I can get to the weekend, things will go away. I won't be tired. I would like that.