Ugh, I just want to first off say I need to stop drinking. Also, I need to stop drinking on weeknights. Also, I'm right at the point in life where I could use a sassy gay friend to call me a stupid bitch and say "what what WHAT are you doing?" and "look at your life, look at your choices." Yea. Anyways.
So yesterday was kinda unusual but a nice change from how the household works around here, but I think we were both kinda paying for the night before. Me particularly. Someone needs to force feed me if I plan on drinking, I just can't keep drinking on empty stomachs and drinking as much as I like. Side note though, I digress. So yesterday was a nice chill Lost marathon day. I've been trying to teach myself to believe people when they say things like "I'm happy you're here," but it's really hard. I mean, logically they have absolutely no reason to lie and say something like that so I keep trying to tell myself to get over it and accept it. I feel like I kind of come and go in people's lives though, and that's pretty much true. I get restless easily, I get worried easily, I get anxious easily and if I think for one moment the other person has figured me out too deeply, I have to leave.
And it's not that I don't want people to understand what makes me tick and my "deep" crap, but it's really dangerous allowing someone in like that. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, I'm allowed into others' worries and concerns and deepnesses so I should return the favor, but I think there's too much. There's just too much more than being in the restless stage of life trying to understand myself. There are things past that, things that are really dangerous, things that stem from self-loathing behavior and feeling. And I have to do my best to brush it off and simplify it by saying I'm a 25 year old student/struggling artist looking for a place to call my own. Or I'm a fucked up girl looking for a piece of mind. Either or really. And that's the best I can do.
I like it when people confide in me, it makes me feel important and helps me understand who they are past the surface and I usually need that since I tend to make everyone around me look perfect and myself the complete and total loser. Even about friend troubles, even family troubles, even troubles that somehow affect me without them knowing it affects me. And that recently happened and it was interesting and kind of voided my last entry on here. And then it got better, and then today happened, and everything is back to normal as it always was. Everything has changed, and everything is back. And boo on my end.
Well not really. I have to look at my life as isolated incidences which is what yesterday was. Just an incident in the past not meant for a repeat but meant to shape the rest of my life for the better (or worse if I get bitter), and that's all it is. Living here is kind of like that. Everyday is just an isolated incident. And I am still essentially on my own.
And it's a super nice day and I want to be outside so badly but I have no place to go. And the roomie took off sometime in there when I was taking a shower and as I said we're back to normal. I need to eat, I haven't really had much in the past 36 hours except half a bottle of tums and well, here we are.
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