I'm Falling Apart

I'm up too late. I don't know why. I haven't gotten appropriate amounts of sleep lately and I'm getting sick from it. But I just say tomorrow is Friday and I don't have to do anything, so I'll just stay in bed all day and listen to my ipod and I don't know, meditate or something. Reflect, if you will. I guess.

I am walking now. Well, it's more like a painful hobble, but I'm doing it. And it was thrilling to be able to take a drink from the kitchen to the living room, and even more thrilling to be able to take a drink from that while transporting it from one room to the next. And I'm really happy about that. And I'm genuinely grateful and thankful. And I know God knows this.

But there are parts of my life that are much harder to feel good for. There are things that are too up in the air too close to my future that could put me in ruins. And there are mental health issues that need to be addressed before I even think of attempting an independent lifestyle again. And now sitting here with it rushing through my head, I realize. I'm falling apart.

Can't work with this injury. Can't earn money. Can't continue living on my own. Current apartment lease will be up in January, and I have about 2 weeks to turn in my notice that I will be leaving it. Can't find a new place to live anywhere in the cities because I do not have a job location to aim for. And can't find a job when I don't have a place of reference to go off of. And no one is going to take you seriously when you're hobbling around in a boot.

I withdrew officially from my program at my school that I was so strategically placed to live by. I don't know if I want to go back. The past 2 quarters I attended class, I could feel myself slipping away from it. The structure of the classes wasn't meshing well, the class topics themselves I had all but lost interest in, I went through by the skin of my teeth. And by a lot of anxiety battles that I don't actually think I won. Just survived.

Had a big long talk with my dad about that today. Shared my completely irrational fear of well... School environments that, because it is my perception, it is my reality. Something about knowing I know nothing of a particular thing makes me terrified to be around other people in the class working on the projects and sharing the projects. I understand well that you can only learn what you don't know and you gain confidence as such, but that is not an option in my head. And no matter what I chant over and over again to myself, it won't stop my body shutting down. And I'm terrified to go back into that environment. This has been a breather for me.

My dad asked if the anxiety and fear was taken out of the equation hypothetically, did I feel I had an interest or somewhat of an innate ability for what the program offered? Because if you didn't have an interest and ability, it would be pointless to continue on in a program as such. I hated myself because... I do have an interest. And ability. Because I can't see myself ever doing something else. The arts are where my passions lie, where I want to be. I so badly want to say my passion is business management and that I deeply desire becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company so I can go into a field of stable and steady and less uncertainty. Or accounting. Anything. But the fact of the matter is I CAN'T say that. Because it is not true.

I've found myself recently looking at apartment listings for everywhere from New York to New Hampshire to Minneapolis. It's clear I'm restless and that's not a big surprise. And when I shut my mind down it's clear I would like to live closer to the core of Minneapolis, possibly near Uptown or Lynlakes but even Roseville would be ok. So what do I do? Spend hours researching roommate wanted or shared housing listings on craigslist before coming to the conclusion that damn, I'd love to pay cheaper like they promise, but I can't give up my independence of what I've had. And most of the places don't have room for everything I've collected since I started living on my own. So I started looking up apartments and actually finding some really great prospects for the area I'd love to be in that isn't outrageous in price for the area.

Now stop. I can't do that. I can't pay. And what about school? If I take out my fear and anxiety problems, I should in theory finish the program. And dammit, I know I'm close, I really know that. But my apartment is DONE in January, and the death seal is set the end of this month. It breaks my heart to think moving back home is in reality. I mean, I like my home and my family and I'm appreciative and grateful for all my parents do for me and they probably treat me better than I deserve a lot of the time, but I remember when I lived at home and how miserable I was just from social and mental stimulations and qualities not met. And it would be such a hassle to drag all my stuff back. And once again, where would we put it?

Inside I just feel broken. Like something is just shriveling up inside me. There are so many tangents and problems stemming from this one occurrence that was not my fault. And if I stop to really take it seriously, they are all incredibly severe and yes, serious problems for my way of living. And I just really don't wanna go back to doing photo shoots of cut up bodies as a way of self-expression. Because I still remember when that was all that I felt was going for me not too long before I moved. That regression would be awful. But likely. And I don't know if I can do this.

Faith is still there. I'm sure you wouldn't believe it, but faith is the easiest thing for me sometimes. Mainly because it isn't something I have to analyze and constantly try to understand and make it happen. It is faith. It is faith somehow things will be as they should. And maybe sometimes it's just a notion to try to make myself feel better, but I don't doubt that that is how God works. This tree thing meant something, but it is no good sitting trying to think of the endless possibilities that probably aren't even remotely near the truth of what it really meant. And sometimes faith is a great way to give you an escape from your thought. Thoughts can kill. They've killed me before.

Christianity

I have to write this, because I have too many questions I can't understand. I only desire understanding, peace of mind, truth, and comfort. And this has been on my mind since forever probably. I'm just confused.

I understand the faith side of Christianity. I understand the Word, Truth, Light, whatev, all that good stuff. And I believe it and live it and thought that was enough. But I don't understand the other people. They range from partying lives to strict collared dresses lives. And pop culture connoisseurs to people who don't own radios or TVs. And I get confused as to what's right.

See, I'm a black and white person. I don't have gray in my radar. Things either are or they aren't, and that is probably one of the reasons I have a few....Identity issues. I'm always seeking constant validation to know I'm "right' or "doing right." This is part of the personality disorder I guess. Possibly part of borderline personality disorder and actually probably most of them. But, now, because of this, I do live life as yes or no, right or wrong, black or white, never in betweens. I'm sure that's not healthy, but this subject isn't about my mental health state. Well, it is a little.

It is in the sense I don't know if I'm a good Christian. I get scared and worried that because I like sitcoms like Will and Grace or that I wear halter tops in the summer or that I like Halloween that I'm inappropriate and wrong. I'm this terrible little hypocrite of a girl.

But where are the lines? We all know the Amish and Menonite cultures adhere to strict dress code amongst other things. But is it necessary to be so consumed in worry that someone's collarbone is going to show? And are motorized vehicles really evil?

My problem is I have a real hard time with people telling me what to do. I don't like being ordered or controlled and I'm just lucky I have an antisocial disposition or else I probably would have been in jail a few times for disturbing the peace. But I do have a terribly hard time being oppositional. I remember when I was in college the Christian group there had given us a link to this "modesty" survey that supposedly polled a certain number of young Christian guys about women and modesty and what they feel is appropriate attire. Long story short, these pussy boys that they got had results like "If she was wearing a halter top I'd see her arms and shoulder blades and that could lead to wanting to see more." It was terribly controlling of women in my opinion, and it also made the guys look like they didn't even have to control their temptation needs. They just had to tell us we look a little slutty in our halter tops and then it was our fault.

Now, I am the most quiet thing in the world in social situations as I'm sure we should have figured out by now. I was in a bible study for a semester and made sure I blended into the walls more than the conversations every time. But on this occasion, when asked of our opinions of this particular survey, I blew up. I wasn't going to stand being controlled in the name of a God when suddenly we, the women, were all to blame because we have boobs on our torso. The men had taken no responsibility of realizing their piggish temptations or try to fight it as best they could in the name of THEIR God, but instead said we did everything wrong by wearing whatever kind of clothes we wore. I won't stand that. I will not take that.

But now where does that put me? Does that mean then that I'm a traitor to this religion? I won't let anyone tell me what to wear, what to eat, when I should be worshipping, what to drive, what to give to the church, what to watch. It feels so unimportant when I thought all along this "religion" was originally meant to be a "relationship" with God. I'm sorry, that's what I believed all along. I am incredibly strong in this faith, the actual faith part that makes the relationship. I'm not strong with... Only being able to eat fish on a Friday or only worshipping on a Saturday or being restricted to stay indoors on a Sunday.  I'm this new breed of Christian. And I don't know where I fit.

I fear if I walk into a church, try to join a youth group community of people my age, I'll soon discover that since I like Sean Hayes or Ru Paul and that I dressed up as a fairy for Halloween and had a bonfire with friends, they'll excommunicate me. I just don't understand the people of Christianity anymore and it frustrates me. I have so many identity issues and I'm just trying to find strength in myself as something, preferably with a strong faith background, that this makes it even harder. And I'm scared that if I'm in constant fight with someone I thought was like me.... What does that mean?

So I Thought

This randomly popped up on my itunes. I didn't even realize I owned this. Looked up the lyrics. Sometimes songs peg you, don't they?

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies about the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between


Song credits go to Flyleaf.

Things I've Learned

There are a few things I've learned this past weekend about myself and just life in general.

I'm getting closer to understanding the way my mind works the more I journal and discuss with family. There's a part of my brain that doesn't retain emotional connections with people so every time I see them or hang out with them, it's like I'm starting from scratch just meeting them for the first time. No matter how many times I've actually seen them. Makes making friendships a little difficult. And looking back, I pretty much know exactly when it started: the transition from 8th to 9th grade. Interesting, interesting...

I've also learned I may freak myself out too much over social activities such as going to wedding receptions or having bonfires for Halloween. I second guess and question myself in motives and worry that I won't be able to take the social interaction properly. And so far I seem to be surprised when things actually turn out well. But in a way I like to think the worst will happen, then I'll get a good surprise when it doesn't.

I'm realizing that marriage is kind of as simple as "hold my fork." It's a personal symbolism that I don't need to delve into. And I'm beginning to think I could handle marriage if my marriage is as simple as living a bonfire life. More symbolism. I know what I mean.

People don't actually change that much. They grow up and mature, but their core personalities and quirks will always be there. And even if you haven't seen each other for years, if you let your guard down, if you don't think, if you live in the moment, you capture the essence of the past. And that essence is all you need.

And people aren't as put together as you think they are. And no matter how well you think you know a friend, they will surprise you. For you don't know their minds and souls and just because their personalities can be more outgoing, it doesn't mean their living life more amazingly and more excitingly than you are. And there are many different definitions of success. And I'm not nearly as put together as I thought I was.

This was a successful venture then. I'm genuinely surprised but happy about it. Who knew Halloween could do that?

Round Here

Step out the front door like a ghost
Into a fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you,
Angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

And I walk in the air between the rain
And through myself and back again
Where? I don't know.

Maria says she's dying.
Through the door I hear her crying.
Why? I don't know.

Round here we always stand up straight.
Round here something radiates.

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand.
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis.
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus.

She parks her car outside of my house
And takes her clothes off.
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.

Round here we're carving out our names.
Round here we all look the same.
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs.
Round here she's slipping through my hands.

Oh sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream.
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning.

She says "It's only in my head."
She says "Shh I know it's only in my head."
But the girl on othe car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot"
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
Says she's thinking of jumping.
She says she's tired of life.
She must be tired of something.

Round here she's always on my mind.
Round here, hey man, we've got lots of time.
Round here we're never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait.
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late.

I can't see nothing,
Nothing round here.
Oh will you catch me if I'm falling?
Will you catch me if I'm falling?
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you?

I said I'm under the gun around here.
I'm innocent, I'm under the gun
Around here.
I can't see nothing,
Nothing round here.


All credits go to Counting Crows for their wonderful song and wonderful lyrics. Hadn't listened to this song in months and rediscovered it on my ipod and found it just kind of worked. There was a reason I always liked this song.

Emo Cabin Fever

This is what a friend of mine calls my state of life. She's right.

Had a doctor appointment yesterday with x-rays. The nurse said my x-rays looked perfect and that I'm healing great and that I should be able to start walking in the boot. I was so excited; couldn't wait. Suddenly I could go to "Valleyscare" and have a decent Halloween. It was like my twitter October wish trend had come true. She was convinced I'd be ready. So of course, in comes the doctor, pulls up the x-rays, shows the main concern point and that it's healing perfectly in line. We're all happy and ready to go and then... "You're leg looks perfect. In 3 weeks you can start putting weight on it." Sigh.

Maybe it's my fault I got ahead of myself. Maybe it's the nurse's fault for saying things looked like I could start walking. Whatever it was, it killed me. All my excitement, my plans, my new daily routines, my mobility...Died. It took all my strength to not start crying right there. Instead my ankle needs range of motion, like I failed at trying to work it. Now time for physical therapy (which I had assumed anyway), but *no weight on it at all*. Thanks to my break, I can't walk when a person with a normal break would have been able to. All I could think about was how punished I felt. Punished that it was *my* break that was the problem. It was *my* bone, *my* ankle and range of motion, and because of that my life gets to be shattered again. I didn't drop the tree on myself, but I feel like everything after that was my fault. Like, if I had worked harder to get better range of motion on the ankle before the appointment, would he have said it was ok to walk then? My parents said that wasn't the case, the bone is good but not completely healed, but it still felt like a blow to me mentally.

I remember repeating "I'm not a positive enough person for this" to them. And it's true. I'm not positive enough when I feel attacked. There's those silver linings and 3 weeks is shorter than 4-6, but my brain is so inclined to live in the negative and pessimistic state. I just really had high hopes for Halloween.

So not only did I (and will continue to have) cabin fever, but now I have the *emo* label on top of it. I'm getting way too in tune with how my mind and body work and I realize how horrible it is. I'm disappointed at my negative, but I'm paralyzed to fix it. I don't have the coping strategies. And it seems like everyone around me are so pooping rainbows happy and it just reminds me that I'm wrong. That I don't and can't poop rainbows. And that those people threaten me because they're so much better than me. And I realized today that I'm just not a right person. Like I don't belong in this world because I see things so differently.

And my dad wants me to go to a shrink thanks to my last little outburst. It's an emotional time for me, anything can set me off. He just made it worse by putting me in an environment he knows I don't like. I'm just so tired of being so on edge and that I can burst any moment on anyone. And that my perception of things and conversations are apparently wrong and misled.

And you know, I wrote a huge letter to God the other night. I apologized profusely of how bad a person I am and that I'm not working in His favor even though I'm never out insulting Him or anything. But everyone else is out there sharing and learning and whatnot and I'm not doing anything. I still can't bring myself to go in church. And that has to be bad, right? And I know God made me the way He wants, but I've corrupted His will. I've ruined what He made. And I'm terribly sorry.

I just need to get over this emo cabin fever thing. It is no fun. Maybe in 3 weeks I'll feel better. Rather, I'm sure I'll feel tons better. I'll finally get happy. And that'll be nice. I just want a normal life again.

It's Coming Back

I'm reverting. Mentally, emotionally, I'm going back to where I was before this all happened. I hated it. I hated my feelings. I hated my surroundings. I hated myself and my life. And I was ready to take it out on anyone I could get my hands on. And if they were anonymous people I don't know and give a damn about, all the better.

I really hated that helpless state of anger. How I desired to just cry it all out but couldn't. There was nothing to cry at. Because nothing around me is sad. Lonely, maybe a little. Desolate somewhat. Not sad. It killed me to wake up like that when I was normal and on my own. Killed me that I hated myself so much because of how much hate I feel at the world. I don't know why I'm so mad at the world. I just don't like...People.

They are so terrible. Every human instinct is terrible. As humans we only look out for ourselves and seek the best angles to be selfish assholes. Politics, celebrities, athletes, barflies, it doesn't matter. I see what people do to skew and bias in there favor and it makes me mad. Even churches aren't immune and often times they can be worse.

And that makes me more frustrated. And furious. I try my hardest to look like the good kind of Christian person someone would want to meet. One that isn't pushy, is accepting, loves Jesus Christ and her God and walks by that faith. One that would be happy if someone she knew came to Christ and would celebrate, but one that would never look down on someone if they choose a different path. But my version of being that is to be as quiet and in the shadows as I possibly could. If I never speak, I can't be looked at as bad. Because so often as it seems, everyone who speaks gives themselves some bad quality and I'm too hypersensitive to that and too hypersensitive to feeling like a hypocrite so I stay shut up tight so I can't try to turn the tables around when I'm at fault and beg people to have pity on me. I would never do that. I deserve the same treatment as everyone else. And I'm such a horrible person that I need to be extra careful to not do anything that I would damn myself for.

But what am I saying? I'm the first person to say I deserve every bad thing that ever happened to me. My anger, my hate, makes me prime suspect to be condemned. I can't stand myself because that runs rampant and I have my outburst moments where I'm just so angry at *everyone* I see. Because I can see the faults they have and the things that make them unlikable if only because it is natural human behavior. I just don't like human behavior. I don't like people knocking others down to get ahead, twisting truths to make them look more favorable, pretending to do good only to get selfish recognition, choosing specific biases that make an entire subcategory of people victimized and the other side criminal. And the abusers! The murderers! It overtakes me, consumes me. I want these bad human behaviors and the humans who promote them to go away. But to do that, I would become one. And therefore I have to hate myself too.

It's foolish and I'm foolish. I wonder how much of this just has to do with whatever disorder I possess that I know nothing about past the fact that it's in my brain. It's wrong you know. I'm wrong. Disorder implies wrong. It's so nice there are positive people that clearly have nothing wrong with them. I wouldn't even know how to begin to pretend to be one of them. Not when such strong feelings consume you that it's practically paralyzing. You just want everything right in the world. And you believe if you took certain elements out, which often include people and their behaviors, it would be right. And then people look like they want to turn you in to the cops and lock you up. Maybe I should be. Maybe I should stay in this house, alone, to myself, try to disappear. And how can I even have the nerve to call myself a Christian? Hah, I think I'm the one He should never have died on the cross for. I don't deserve that mercy.