Christianity

I have to write this, because I have too many questions I can't understand. I only desire understanding, peace of mind, truth, and comfort. And this has been on my mind since forever probably. I'm just confused.

I understand the faith side of Christianity. I understand the Word, Truth, Light, whatev, all that good stuff. And I believe it and live it and thought that was enough. But I don't understand the other people. They range from partying lives to strict collared dresses lives. And pop culture connoisseurs to people who don't own radios or TVs. And I get confused as to what's right.

See, I'm a black and white person. I don't have gray in my radar. Things either are or they aren't, and that is probably one of the reasons I have a few....Identity issues. I'm always seeking constant validation to know I'm "right' or "doing right." This is part of the personality disorder I guess. Possibly part of borderline personality disorder and actually probably most of them. But, now, because of this, I do live life as yes or no, right or wrong, black or white, never in betweens. I'm sure that's not healthy, but this subject isn't about my mental health state. Well, it is a little.

It is in the sense I don't know if I'm a good Christian. I get scared and worried that because I like sitcoms like Will and Grace or that I wear halter tops in the summer or that I like Halloween that I'm inappropriate and wrong. I'm this terrible little hypocrite of a girl.

But where are the lines? We all know the Amish and Menonite cultures adhere to strict dress code amongst other things. But is it necessary to be so consumed in worry that someone's collarbone is going to show? And are motorized vehicles really evil?

My problem is I have a real hard time with people telling me what to do. I don't like being ordered or controlled and I'm just lucky I have an antisocial disposition or else I probably would have been in jail a few times for disturbing the peace. But I do have a terribly hard time being oppositional. I remember when I was in college the Christian group there had given us a link to this "modesty" survey that supposedly polled a certain number of young Christian guys about women and modesty and what they feel is appropriate attire. Long story short, these pussy boys that they got had results like "If she was wearing a halter top I'd see her arms and shoulder blades and that could lead to wanting to see more." It was terribly controlling of women in my opinion, and it also made the guys look like they didn't even have to control their temptation needs. They just had to tell us we look a little slutty in our halter tops and then it was our fault.

Now, I am the most quiet thing in the world in social situations as I'm sure we should have figured out by now. I was in a bible study for a semester and made sure I blended into the walls more than the conversations every time. But on this occasion, when asked of our opinions of this particular survey, I blew up. I wasn't going to stand being controlled in the name of a God when suddenly we, the women, were all to blame because we have boobs on our torso. The men had taken no responsibility of realizing their piggish temptations or try to fight it as best they could in the name of THEIR God, but instead said we did everything wrong by wearing whatever kind of clothes we wore. I won't stand that. I will not take that.

But now where does that put me? Does that mean then that I'm a traitor to this religion? I won't let anyone tell me what to wear, what to eat, when I should be worshipping, what to drive, what to give to the church, what to watch. It feels so unimportant when I thought all along this "religion" was originally meant to be a "relationship" with God. I'm sorry, that's what I believed all along. I am incredibly strong in this faith, the actual faith part that makes the relationship. I'm not strong with... Only being able to eat fish on a Friday or only worshipping on a Saturday or being restricted to stay indoors on a Sunday.  I'm this new breed of Christian. And I don't know where I fit.

I fear if I walk into a church, try to join a youth group community of people my age, I'll soon discover that since I like Sean Hayes or Ru Paul and that I dressed up as a fairy for Halloween and had a bonfire with friends, they'll excommunicate me. I just don't understand the people of Christianity anymore and it frustrates me. I have so many identity issues and I'm just trying to find strength in myself as something, preferably with a strong faith background, that this makes it even harder. And I'm scared that if I'm in constant fight with someone I thought was like me.... What does that mean?