I'm up too late. I don't know why. I haven't gotten appropriate amounts of sleep lately and I'm getting sick from it. But I just say tomorrow is Friday and I don't have to do anything, so I'll just stay in bed all day and listen to my ipod and I don't know, meditate or something. Reflect, if you will. I guess.
I am walking now. Well, it's more like a painful hobble, but I'm doing it. And it was thrilling to be able to take a drink from the kitchen to the living room, and even more thrilling to be able to take a drink from that while transporting it from one room to the next. And I'm really happy about that. And I'm genuinely grateful and thankful. And I know God knows this.
But there are parts of my life that are much harder to feel good for. There are things that are too up in the air too close to my future that could put me in ruins. And there are mental health issues that need to be addressed before I even think of attempting an independent lifestyle again. And now sitting here with it rushing through my head, I realize. I'm falling apart.
Can't work with this injury. Can't earn money. Can't continue living on my own. Current apartment lease will be up in January, and I have about 2 weeks to turn in my notice that I will be leaving it. Can't find a new place to live anywhere in the cities because I do not have a job location to aim for. And can't find a job when I don't have a place of reference to go off of. And no one is going to take you seriously when you're hobbling around in a boot.
I withdrew officially from my program at my school that I was so strategically placed to live by. I don't know if I want to go back. The past 2 quarters I attended class, I could feel myself slipping away from it. The structure of the classes wasn't meshing well, the class topics themselves I had all but lost interest in, I went through by the skin of my teeth. And by a lot of anxiety battles that I don't actually think I won. Just survived.
Had a big long talk with my dad about that today. Shared my completely irrational fear of well... School environments that, because it is my perception, it is my reality. Something about knowing I know nothing of a particular thing makes me terrified to be around other people in the class working on the projects and sharing the projects. I understand well that you can only learn what you don't know and you gain confidence as such, but that is not an option in my head. And no matter what I chant over and over again to myself, it won't stop my body shutting down. And I'm terrified to go back into that environment. This has been a breather for me.
My dad asked if the anxiety and fear was taken out of the equation hypothetically, did I feel I had an interest or somewhat of an innate ability for what the program offered? Because if you didn't have an interest and ability, it would be pointless to continue on in a program as such. I hated myself because... I do have an interest. And ability. Because I can't see myself ever doing something else. The arts are where my passions lie, where I want to be. I so badly want to say my passion is business management and that I deeply desire becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company so I can go into a field of stable and steady and less uncertainty. Or accounting. Anything. But the fact of the matter is I CAN'T say that. Because it is not true.
I've found myself recently looking at apartment listings for everywhere from New York to New Hampshire to Minneapolis. It's clear I'm restless and that's not a big surprise. And when I shut my mind down it's clear I would like to live closer to the core of Minneapolis, possibly near Uptown or Lynlakes but even Roseville would be ok. So what do I do? Spend hours researching roommate wanted or shared housing listings on craigslist before coming to the conclusion that damn, I'd love to pay cheaper like they promise, but I can't give up my independence of what I've had. And most of the places don't have room for everything I've collected since I started living on my own. So I started looking up apartments and actually finding some really great prospects for the area I'd love to be in that isn't outrageous in price for the area.
Now stop. I can't do that. I can't pay. And what about school? If I take out my fear and anxiety problems, I should in theory finish the program. And dammit, I know I'm close, I really know that. But my apartment is DONE in January, and the death seal is set the end of this month. It breaks my heart to think moving back home is in reality. I mean, I like my home and my family and I'm appreciative and grateful for all my parents do for me and they probably treat me better than I deserve a lot of the time, but I remember when I lived at home and how miserable I was just from social and mental stimulations and qualities not met. And it would be such a hassle to drag all my stuff back. And once again, where would we put it?
Inside I just feel broken. Like something is just shriveling up inside me. There are so many tangents and problems stemming from this one occurrence that was not my fault. And if I stop to really take it seriously, they are all incredibly severe and yes, serious problems for my way of living. And I just really don't wanna go back to doing photo shoots of cut up bodies as a way of self-expression. Because I still remember when that was all that I felt was going for me not too long before I moved. That regression would be awful. But likely. And I don't know if I can do this.
Faith is still there. I'm sure you wouldn't believe it, but faith is the easiest thing for me sometimes. Mainly because it isn't something I have to analyze and constantly try to understand and make it happen. It is faith. It is faith somehow things will be as they should. And maybe sometimes it's just a notion to try to make myself feel better, but I don't doubt that that is how God works. This tree thing meant something, but it is no good sitting trying to think of the endless possibilities that probably aren't even remotely near the truth of what it really meant. And sometimes faith is a great way to give you an escape from your thought. Thoughts can kill. They've killed me before.
No comments:
Post a Comment