I'm reverting. Mentally, emotionally, I'm going back to where I was before this all happened. I hated it. I hated my feelings. I hated my surroundings. I hated myself and my life. And I was ready to take it out on anyone I could get my hands on. And if they were anonymous people I don't know and give a damn about, all the better.
I really hated that helpless state of anger. How I desired to just cry it all out but couldn't. There was nothing to cry at. Because nothing around me is sad. Lonely, maybe a little. Desolate somewhat. Not sad. It killed me to wake up like that when I was normal and on my own. Killed me that I hated myself so much because of how much hate I feel at the world. I don't know why I'm so mad at the world. I just don't like...People.
They are so terrible. Every human instinct is terrible. As humans we only look out for ourselves and seek the best angles to be selfish assholes. Politics, celebrities, athletes, barflies, it doesn't matter. I see what people do to skew and bias in there favor and it makes me mad. Even churches aren't immune and often times they can be worse.
And that makes me more frustrated. And furious. I try my hardest to look like the good kind of Christian person someone would want to meet. One that isn't pushy, is accepting, loves Jesus Christ and her God and walks by that faith. One that would be happy if someone she knew came to Christ and would celebrate, but one that would never look down on someone if they choose a different path. But my version of being that is to be as quiet and in the shadows as I possibly could. If I never speak, I can't be looked at as bad. Because so often as it seems, everyone who speaks gives themselves some bad quality and I'm too hypersensitive to that and too hypersensitive to feeling like a hypocrite so I stay shut up tight so I can't try to turn the tables around when I'm at fault and beg people to have pity on me. I would never do that. I deserve the same treatment as everyone else. And I'm such a horrible person that I need to be extra careful to not do anything that I would damn myself for.
But what am I saying? I'm the first person to say I deserve every bad thing that ever happened to me. My anger, my hate, makes me prime suspect to be condemned. I can't stand myself because that runs rampant and I have my outburst moments where I'm just so angry at *everyone* I see. Because I can see the faults they have and the things that make them unlikable if only because it is natural human behavior. I just don't like human behavior. I don't like people knocking others down to get ahead, twisting truths to make them look more favorable, pretending to do good only to get selfish recognition, choosing specific biases that make an entire subcategory of people victimized and the other side criminal. And the abusers! The murderers! It overtakes me, consumes me. I want these bad human behaviors and the humans who promote them to go away. But to do that, I would become one. And therefore I have to hate myself too.
It's foolish and I'm foolish. I wonder how much of this just has to do with whatever disorder I possess that I know nothing about past the fact that it's in my brain. It's wrong you know. I'm wrong. Disorder implies wrong. It's so nice there are positive people that clearly have nothing wrong with them. I wouldn't even know how to begin to pretend to be one of them. Not when such strong feelings consume you that it's practically paralyzing. You just want everything right in the world. And you believe if you took certain elements out, which often include people and their behaviors, it would be right. And then people look like they want to turn you in to the cops and lock you up. Maybe I should be. Maybe I should stay in this house, alone, to myself, try to disappear. And how can I even have the nerve to call myself a Christian? Hah, I think I'm the one He should never have died on the cross for. I don't deserve that mercy.
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