Christmas Eve Eve

Well this turned out to be a more eventful day than I would've liked. It was bad enough I woke up with a headache that no matter how much excederin I took, wouldn't go away. Got sent out with my dad for last minute gifts my mom wanted and got sick. Well, not like throw up everywhere, but incredibly queasy and weak and shaky. I was just about ready to drop when we got a call from my mom saying my grandma was being rushed into the ER because she couldn't breathe and was having chest pains. Then later found out my cousin who is overdue was going to the same hospital to get induced into labor. So after all that news, supper time. Ate about half a chicken tender and 3 french fries at Culvers. Felt pretty dang bad.

You see, I'm big into tradition and family. This idea really hurt, really wore on me. It was bad enough four years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital. It was the first event that put all these screwed up Christmases into motion. And now, needless to say, my cousin will definitely not be celebrating with us and I don't know about her mom. And my grandma? No idea. Christmas Eves have been dwindling down steadily the past few years and it just kills me. And is probably the reason I still feel like I could throw up.

Also started thinking how I was sick HOURS before I heard the bad news, and that this has actually happened before. One time I got so sick if I wasn't curled in bed with eyes closed I would practically collapse. And that night my friend was in a car accident. I was three hours away from her. I didn't even know it happened, but it happened the same time I felt so sick. And this has happened before. Is this possible I can sense things? Especially with people I'm close to?

I feel like there is something different about me. But then I feel stupid to bring anything up. I can't really tell this to anyone. They all just scoff and laugh at me. I try to rationalize it somehow with maybe a gift God gave me. But I can't even say that to a Christian. Such a high rate of skeptics, and usually for good reason. But what happens when you really personally feel differently? And what happens when you really can't find an identity other than "maybe God has a different plan for me and that I'm special" but then face it, that's a load of crap isn't it? I just so desperately desire to be different in hopes I'll feel like I'll understand myself then. And no one wants to talk to you when you speak that way. Even if you try to keep it on a tangent of faith, they still just laugh. Man. Can't talk to anyone.

Probably why I'm so invested in facebook and twitter. Maybe I get a little too into it and made fun of because I can't get enough of "connecting" on my phone or computer. It's nice people are secure enough that they feel like they don't need to be in a community. But I probably tweet about Kristin Chenoweth too much because I just want to feel like I belong. Even if it is among the crazy Cheno fangirls. And she speaks so nicely of her fans, her "twitter family." I just want to feel like I'm a part of that family.

I don't want tomorrow. I don't want Christmas. I couldn't even do my usual Christmas shopping for my family and I hate it. Nothing is right. I want all this to be over. I want the norm again.

Christianity

I have to write this, because I have too many questions I can't understand. I only desire understanding, peace of mind, truth, and comfort. And this has been on my mind since forever probably. I'm just confused.

I understand the faith side of Christianity. I understand the Word, Truth, Light, whatev, all that good stuff. And I believe it and live it and thought that was enough. But I don't understand the other people. They range from partying lives to strict collared dresses lives. And pop culture connoisseurs to people who don't own radios or TVs. And I get confused as to what's right.

See, I'm a black and white person. I don't have gray in my radar. Things either are or they aren't, and that is probably one of the reasons I have a few....Identity issues. I'm always seeking constant validation to know I'm "right' or "doing right." This is part of the personality disorder I guess. Possibly part of borderline personality disorder and actually probably most of them. But, now, because of this, I do live life as yes or no, right or wrong, black or white, never in betweens. I'm sure that's not healthy, but this subject isn't about my mental health state. Well, it is a little.

It is in the sense I don't know if I'm a good Christian. I get scared and worried that because I like sitcoms like Will and Grace or that I wear halter tops in the summer or that I like Halloween that I'm inappropriate and wrong. I'm this terrible little hypocrite of a girl.

But where are the lines? We all know the Amish and Menonite cultures adhere to strict dress code amongst other things. But is it necessary to be so consumed in worry that someone's collarbone is going to show? And are motorized vehicles really evil?

My problem is I have a real hard time with people telling me what to do. I don't like being ordered or controlled and I'm just lucky I have an antisocial disposition or else I probably would have been in jail a few times for disturbing the peace. But I do have a terribly hard time being oppositional. I remember when I was in college the Christian group there had given us a link to this "modesty" survey that supposedly polled a certain number of young Christian guys about women and modesty and what they feel is appropriate attire. Long story short, these pussy boys that they got had results like "If she was wearing a halter top I'd see her arms and shoulder blades and that could lead to wanting to see more." It was terribly controlling of women in my opinion, and it also made the guys look like they didn't even have to control their temptation needs. They just had to tell us we look a little slutty in our halter tops and then it was our fault.

Now, I am the most quiet thing in the world in social situations as I'm sure we should have figured out by now. I was in a bible study for a semester and made sure I blended into the walls more than the conversations every time. But on this occasion, when asked of our opinions of this particular survey, I blew up. I wasn't going to stand being controlled in the name of a God when suddenly we, the women, were all to blame because we have boobs on our torso. The men had taken no responsibility of realizing their piggish temptations or try to fight it as best they could in the name of THEIR God, but instead said we did everything wrong by wearing whatever kind of clothes we wore. I won't stand that. I will not take that.

But now where does that put me? Does that mean then that I'm a traitor to this religion? I won't let anyone tell me what to wear, what to eat, when I should be worshipping, what to drive, what to give to the church, what to watch. It feels so unimportant when I thought all along this "religion" was originally meant to be a "relationship" with God. I'm sorry, that's what I believed all along. I am incredibly strong in this faith, the actual faith part that makes the relationship. I'm not strong with... Only being able to eat fish on a Friday or only worshipping on a Saturday or being restricted to stay indoors on a Sunday.  I'm this new breed of Christian. And I don't know where I fit.

I fear if I walk into a church, try to join a youth group community of people my age, I'll soon discover that since I like Sean Hayes or Ru Paul and that I dressed up as a fairy for Halloween and had a bonfire with friends, they'll excommunicate me. I just don't understand the people of Christianity anymore and it frustrates me. I have so many identity issues and I'm just trying to find strength in myself as something, preferably with a strong faith background, that this makes it even harder. And I'm scared that if I'm in constant fight with someone I thought was like me.... What does that mean?

You Never Know Who Cares About You...

Until a tree falls on you. Or you're dead. But the latter one is awfully hard to prove.

Yea, so a tree really did fall on me. Sounds very AFV funny til you realize I was hit by the trunk that was easily the size of a 45 inch plasma tv. And that doesn't include the length.

...From the distance. See that little triangle gap down there? That's where I was.

And this is what landed on me. Pleasant, isn't it?







So long story short, I'm on bedrest with a broken tibia and fibula in my left leg and some epic bruising and scraping on my back. First time I ever broke something, first time I was ever in a hospital.

And somehow news spread fast. And it really turns out you never know who gives a damn about you til they hear you're in a hospital because you could've been killed by some stupid tree. And I was surprised when some certain people that I was considerably close with (like talked to every nite) didn't say a thing. And when we finally did talk, they were more engrossed about how awesome their life was going. Like I said, I'm happy these people are happy, but a "yea that sucks" comment isn't really the same as an actual sympathetic comment.

It's interesting I guess. And some of the people I haven't talked to for a long time have been incredibly supportive. And the ones I feel closer to are silent. Well, we never really know who cares do we? But this was a great way to see people's true colors.

Though the strangest thing is, since this tree landed on me I haven't felt the same way mentally and emotionally as I did before it. I don't feel as anxious and depressed for some reason. And in some ways, I can't help but to think this was meant to happen. God was giving me a nudge to get over myself and gain some real perspective on life. Guess I have. Cause He could've killed me easy. And I'm still here.

Confession

I have something I really want to tell someone, but I don't think I should. This someone is happy and doesn't deserve me raining on that and making things miserable. I don't want people to feel like me, and I definitely don't want people to think about me. If I said something, they'd probably be thinking about me then. But if I told them, a lot of things would probably make more sense. But then am I just stepping out of place?

I just want to explain myself, why I'm like this. They don't know. They don't know my past and my insides and my history and my mind. They don't know what depression is and that I'm now just fessing up to the fact that I have it badly. They don't know that everyday my first thought when I wake up is "I wish I was dead." And then they don't know that I can't even get that relief because I feel since I'm so screwed up on the inside I'm not right with God. And I don't know how to be right with God. Because I'm so skewed in a direction taken over by something I can't control, I can't think like the rest of people, be positive. It's not an act, my "hate." It's the only thing I know.

They don't know that I really don't hate the Triple Threat Girl. My biggest role model is one (Kristin Chenoweth). I secretly desire to be just like her. But unless I've felt accepted early on by one, I'm only hostile in thought. I desire to have a big smile on my face and 500 friends on facebook and people who comment on ridiculous pictures of me if only to say "you're such a dork." But I've learned to protect myself. And I've done it by freezing my heart, my soul. I am only hostile. And they don't know that I don't want to be.

They don't know that I can only focus on physical outer looks because my inner world is just a mess of dark and torment and anger and hate and despair and pain and I can't count on my inner "looks" to make it successfully through this life or in the dating world. They don't know I would hurt myself everyday in high school because I felt so inferior and worthless. They don't know I constantly debate taking up an offer to sleep with someone if only to have a false sense of confidence and love. My body to me is only as worth what it is: a body. A shell of skin and bone and that's all. I'm worthless every way else. Because no one wants what's inside here. I sure as hell wouldn't so I can't imagine any other normal person out there would. So why can't I follow hollow fantasies? People say it's meaningless and doesn't fill the hole, but hey, I'm meaningless and my holes can never be filled anyway.

No, I just don't think I should tell them. If someone can live in blissful happiness in this world, I'm not going to stop them. I'd love to, just to feel like I have some company way down here. But I wouldn't. It's nice that someone out there can really be happy inside and out. I just wish that was me too.

Brave

I was brave today. I pat myself on the back for that one. And I have to admit, I'm quite impressed. I made a cold call to a production company today asking about a job opening I was told of by my screenwriting teacher. Turns out they were quite surprised I knew of this job but welcoming nonetheless and now I need to get a resume and cover letter in order to get it over there as soon as possible. This is my freaking dream job, and I HAVE to do this. Of course now I've gotten thrown off with trying to create a cover letter and resume and worrying that I don't actually have any good things to offer. Even though I've been in a lot of training for many different things. And the other thing is I really am not completely sure what this position actually is... I was just told something in the office for development. That makes it hard to make a cover letter.

I guess maybe the best way I tackle this disorder is when I'm so determined it's at desperation level. Cuz I've been struggling and dying for a job in my actual area of interest and it's just made life extra miserable. So getting this little glimmer of chance threw me over the edge to jump for a second. Just a second though. This doesn't change anything else. Too often I feel too comfortable the way I am even if it is the wrong way. And I feel comfortable not doing certain things because the anxiety overcomes me and I just have to let it go and pretend it never happened, that the notion never existed. But there are these extremely rare moments. And it seems they pay off.

I'd definitely like to say God had a role in this. I really would. It's funny cuz I've been questioning my very existence with Him and then I get my faith questioned by people close to me who I thought understood me. So I try to avoid saying anything is resulted only because of God because I worry it'll make me sound like a hypocrite or else ignorant or something. But I know God works in our lives and I'll just tell them to stick it if they question me or try to call me out on something that only I know the truth of.

So my night ends on a positive note. Providing I figure out what to put in this cover letter and resume business.