Emo Cabin Fever

This is what a friend of mine calls my state of life. She's right.

Had a doctor appointment yesterday with x-rays. The nurse said my x-rays looked perfect and that I'm healing great and that I should be able to start walking in the boot. I was so excited; couldn't wait. Suddenly I could go to "Valleyscare" and have a decent Halloween. It was like my twitter October wish trend had come true. She was convinced I'd be ready. So of course, in comes the doctor, pulls up the x-rays, shows the main concern point and that it's healing perfectly in line. We're all happy and ready to go and then... "You're leg looks perfect. In 3 weeks you can start putting weight on it." Sigh.

Maybe it's my fault I got ahead of myself. Maybe it's the nurse's fault for saying things looked like I could start walking. Whatever it was, it killed me. All my excitement, my plans, my new daily routines, my mobility...Died. It took all my strength to not start crying right there. Instead my ankle needs range of motion, like I failed at trying to work it. Now time for physical therapy (which I had assumed anyway), but *no weight on it at all*. Thanks to my break, I can't walk when a person with a normal break would have been able to. All I could think about was how punished I felt. Punished that it was *my* break that was the problem. It was *my* bone, *my* ankle and range of motion, and because of that my life gets to be shattered again. I didn't drop the tree on myself, but I feel like everything after that was my fault. Like, if I had worked harder to get better range of motion on the ankle before the appointment, would he have said it was ok to walk then? My parents said that wasn't the case, the bone is good but not completely healed, but it still felt like a blow to me mentally.

I remember repeating "I'm not a positive enough person for this" to them. And it's true. I'm not positive enough when I feel attacked. There's those silver linings and 3 weeks is shorter than 4-6, but my brain is so inclined to live in the negative and pessimistic state. I just really had high hopes for Halloween.

So not only did I (and will continue to have) cabin fever, but now I have the *emo* label on top of it. I'm getting way too in tune with how my mind and body work and I realize how horrible it is. I'm disappointed at my negative, but I'm paralyzed to fix it. I don't have the coping strategies. And it seems like everyone around me are so pooping rainbows happy and it just reminds me that I'm wrong. That I don't and can't poop rainbows. And that those people threaten me because they're so much better than me. And I realized today that I'm just not a right person. Like I don't belong in this world because I see things so differently.

And my dad wants me to go to a shrink thanks to my last little outburst. It's an emotional time for me, anything can set me off. He just made it worse by putting me in an environment he knows I don't like. I'm just so tired of being so on edge and that I can burst any moment on anyone. And that my perception of things and conversations are apparently wrong and misled.

And you know, I wrote a huge letter to God the other night. I apologized profusely of how bad a person I am and that I'm not working in His favor even though I'm never out insulting Him or anything. But everyone else is out there sharing and learning and whatnot and I'm not doing anything. I still can't bring myself to go in church. And that has to be bad, right? And I know God made me the way He wants, but I've corrupted His will. I've ruined what He made. And I'm terribly sorry.

I just need to get over this emo cabin fever thing. It is no fun. Maybe in 3 weeks I'll feel better. Rather, I'm sure I'll feel tons better. I'll finally get happy. And that'll be nice. I just want a normal life again.