Bed Ridden

Well. This day hasn't gotten any better.

Actually it was when I was out of the house. Had a fairly long production meeting that went really well and I think I'm showing vulnerability there that is super important for the producer and director to see and give me positive feedback. And I really just didn't want to come back to the house. I knew my roommate was having a grill out thing with her church small group and while I've met them all before and participated, I just wasn't having it tonight. Had some good food that I barely ate but it was good, and then snuck up to my room the second they were getting ready to discuss something. Just... Not tonight, ya know?

And now all I can do is lie in bed and hate myself. Hate what I'm feeling. Hate that when I went downstairs briefly, they were there on the couch and all she could do was give me a wink.

I just want to know why I'm feeling this? Why am I crying? Why do I hurt so badly? Why is my body breaking on the inside? Why when I look in the mirror I don't know who I'm looking at? Why do I have to be hurting myself again? Why do I so badly want to start slicing my arms up? Because I know I can do it deeper there with more control, and then I can look at it all the time and feel a calm. Because I took these feelings I don't want to have out of my body. I hate this. And I don't know if I feel so bad because I've regressed or if I just feel bad about my environment. And I feel bad that I might feel bad about my environment. Because up until this point my environment has been lovely. And I hate the thought that my roommate gets wise and begins thinking it's about this new development because I don't want to make her feel bad. And I honestly don't give a flying fuck about this couple thing. I don't care when he comes over, I don't care if he comes over, whatever time of day. I don't care, she can do whatever she wants, I'm ok with that.

Then why do I feel like I'm dying? And why does it flare up when he's here?

Fuck this. I'm not gonna be some passive aggressive bitch and make her stop the best thing that's happened in her life in a long time. I'm fine with suffering, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I could tell her things. I should've been able to do this long ago. I'm a virtual stranger and shell living under this roof, and that's not right either. It's almost 10:30. That's an appropriate time to sleep, yea?

Declared Healthy

"And sent back into the world. My final diagnosis? Recovered borderline. What that means, I still don't know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret, it's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever..."

~Last one, Girl, Interrupted

What Would You Have Said to Her?

"I don't know. That I was sorry. That I'll never know what it was like to be her, but I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. And you try to fit in, but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

~More Girl, Interrupted

I'm Ambivalent

"I don't care."
"If it's your favorite word, I would've thought-"
"It means 'I don't care!'"
"On the contrary, ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition. Prefix as in ambidextrous means 'both,' the rest of it in Latin means 'figure.' The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action."
"Will I stay or will I go?"
"Am I sane or am I crazy?"
"Those aren't courses of action."
"They can be for some."

~Girl, Interrupted

Reflection Time?

I don't know. I only say that cause that's what my roommate's gone off and done so here I am sitting in bed at 6pm listening to X-Ray Dog music and freezing and wondering where my life went.

I feel horrible. I feel so sick, so miserable, so down, so everything. Last time my body was ever affected like this was high school when I was convinced I was going to die. Starting to think it might happen now.

I am apparently not handling some things very well over here if last night/this morning/today was any indication. I've actually fully mentally regressed back to high school mentalities and self destructive behaviors and man, it just sucks. All I want to do is sleep, but I don't really seem to get very good sleep. Sometimes I just want to yell "that's it, I'm done!" but I don't know who or what it's in reference to. I think I just want to be done with life. It makes me tired and sad and do things to myself and all I can think about is how preoccupied I've become with the thoughts of hurting myself. I just want to do it more, I want to feel the burn more, I want to know that I feel something underneath the layers of my clothes that no one else could have any clue exists.

Man, and I really thought I fucked something up with my roommate last night, but obviously it was all in my head if today was any indication as we got home at pretty much the same time and sat across from each other at the table and had a normal (enough) conversation. There was a small moment of "what's wrong with you" directed towards me that I desperately tried to deflect, but you know, I'm not as savvy as I think I am I'm sure. And what could I say? I can't even completely understand what feels I'm feeling or why I feel them, so I sure as hell can't verbalize it to someone else. I only know I feel like absolute shit and wishing I wasn't conscious for like the next 48 hours. I know I was very sick when I woke up this morning. I know I used to be exactly like this when I was in high school and suffering through life one miserable day at a time. Anyways, she was oblivious to the thing that I thought ruined things so that was fine.

Ya know, this is because I'm being God-less right now. I'm not completely trying, but I'm not trying very hard to incorporate anything religious in my life. I sleep with this bible beside me. I never open it. I wrap a cross around my wrist at night to save myself from the weird things that can happen, but how long before my blind ignorant faith gets the best of me and I'm propelled into hell or something? I'm now so preoccupied by this hell concept I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like, good things are happening to people who are actively taking the time to read their bibles and put God as a focus in their life and I'm just getting worse. I never lose my faith, but I just flit. It's like I'm floating through life right now, taking circumstances as they come. I don't make my own, I'm not being proactive living, I just wander daily and whatever happens, happens. Sometimes I don't like the idea of being able to control my life. That's why I like it when I'm drunk. There is no control.

It just sucks that I'm back to "high school" in my head. It sucks that I can't tell her things. I really want to, but there's never a good time. I'm supposed to learn how to be a little more reliant on others, and I live with someone... Doesn't that mean we're supposed to confide? God knows she has in me. I guess I just think I'm too much. If I started one little thing, it would all come out and... I think it's better it doesn't. Maybe if I can get to the weekend, things will go away. I won't be tired. I would like that.

Realization

I'm coming to the realization that when good things happen to the people around me, I start reminding myself of why I'm such a loser and how much I hate myself. Maybe it's a subconscious thing to try to turn attention back to me, but since I don't say anything out loud it can't be very effective if it's true. And I have had good things happen to me, so I shouldn't be complaining.

But I mean, it's not like things happen or are going to happen to me in the relationship department and I guess that's always the downer that comes creeping back into my mind every once in a while. It's like I have to make sure to remind myself of crap when I'm having the best time of my life and am on top of the world. Ok, stay grounded, I get it. But isn't there a better way to do that than making me feel like crap since I know I'm never going to have another half or other to be a part of my life? It's like, I get it, I'm going to be alone, great. Which is why it's good that I may be getting a little success in the job side of my life since that's all I've got going for myself.

It's unfortunate, knowing you're too screwed up or crazy to ever have a decent relationship or guy be a part of your life, but I mean, the normal, stable guys don't want crazy girls. I will always be a crazy girl I fear, I mean, my arms just prove it. Relationships are hard enough work as it is, so why would someone take on a case that makes it even more difficult to deal with? We should all aspire to ease in our lives, especially with relationships since they feel like the things that make or break you the most, so why would you do extra work? I wouldn't. And I very well know that all I am is work and no one is going to take me on. And it's fine. I made my bed and am lying in it. Would I have still done it if I knew I would be here at this point in my life? I can't say. When you're in high school or any major point of your life it's really hard to see beyond it with the realization that you'll be changed, grown, have better perspective. And in a lot of ways I really thought I wasn't going to make it past high school.

So, I have to be supportive of the others around me who may not be perfectly put together but are better off than I and hope for the best in their lives and loves and trials and tribulations. I'll never have any experience to go off of to help them with, but hopefully somehow I'll be able to make do. All the better for everyone else. And me? Tch, what do I care? I don't even want to be alive most days.

And on This End

Life has been happening. And obviously I've been too busy or it's been too important for me to get on here. Ok, or remember I actually own a blog. Whoops.

Life is going decently well for this girl. Got a gig at a film festival, got a gig in a short, got a sort of intern promotion, life could be worse. The roomie thing is nice. I backed off my thinking and analyzing every single little detail and realized that while I was missing her for a week when we didn't see each other she was missing me too so I wasn't being strangely emotional or having weird feels. Slowly coming to the concept that if I feel like there's a place for her in my world, there's no reason she wouldn't feel the same way.

Yea, I'm frustrated I still have some issues showing emotion even after all this epiphany crap. I think the bottom line is I'm still getting to know her, so things that I know would send me through the roof excited for my other friends, I'm a lot more mellow strictly because that connection has not made itself in my brain yet. The natural, unconscious, instinctive feeling isn't there yet. And that is just time. And I think that'll get there. The concern is how long that process may be. When I think about how I'm around my other friends and how natural everything is, I remember most of them I've known almost all my life so it makes sense we'd be that natural and it'd be just that easy. But omg, there's no way I can EVER know my roommate for my whole life since half of it (or so it feels) has already passed me by. I know I'm not leaving this place for a while, but how long will this take? I am so concerned.

And this does make it frustrating when I really, really want to help her out with advice about things but I'm so.... Blank. And I don't have anything good to say, I can't fathom trying to give her a hug when I kind of want to, and I just can't feel. When put right in the situation, I just don't feel. Put out of the situation I feel everything. But that's not helpful because I won't share that feeling crap cuz it makes me feel a little neurotic and crazy and weird. But when I really NEED to feel, and be there, I just feel like I'm failing at that. I want to be a good roommate. I want to be a good friend. I think we're friends. We must be friends.

And that's the crap I'm talking about. "We must be friends." Why in the hell wouldn't we? Just because my mind can't do definitions doesn't mean other people's don't work just fine. I mean, for the love of everything sacred, why can't I just get over it? Why can't I just make my mind not afraid of the things that I desire the most? Why can't I loosen up to prove that those are the things I do want? Why can't I stop being afraid of looking like I'm vulnerable and in the moment when that is how I feel and want? Why do I have to be a walking contradiction all the time? I mean, I just keep letting go and closing my eyes and just going, and there has to have been progress made, but sometimes I feel it's too slow and not enough and I want to prove I am here in the present acknowledging you, caring for you, concerned for you, and just sometimes.... I feel like that will never be seen.

But no, in the end, I guess.... Life is ok.

Thinking

I think I need to stop thinking so much in my life. I literally need to close my eyes, and go with whatever flow is around me. I like to think and mull and over analyze and in the end it only makes me feel like crap while everyone around me is completely oblivious that I even feel upset because there's no way they could know. I mean, I need to not be stupid and think when I need to think, but there's just a lot I can't turn my mind off of that is completely unnecessary to even be thought about. And I like things the way they are. And if I don't think about them, they can only get better right? How do you do it? How do you not think about the things that are the most important things in your life that get the least amount of benefit out of thought?

Or maybe it's not thought as much as hope or creating your ideal situations and lives and contacts and communications and moments that just don't work that way in the real world. I had a huge issue with that when I was in high school (though granted I had a huge issue with denial in high school as well), and somehow I found it appropriate back then to let my mind go crazy, maybe if only because I knew anything I dreamt up could never happen or I wanted to have some esp ability that if I thought it up it would happen and I would be a genius or something. I don't think I need to do that now. I don't think it has the best purpose anymore for where I am in life. I think it bothers me more than it helps me. I think there are some things I need to get over. I think I'm too sensitive with some things. I don't think I'm properly closing my eyes and letting the current of this life carry me like it should.

I think I could stand to be a bit more frank. I could stand to be a bit more on top of things. More verbal, speak my mind. Maybe I should stop hiding so much that I hide. But there's a time and place and sometimes I'm not sure that's ready yet. And maybe it isn't. But I need to be more frank. I need to just talk. Be normal. Just be normal. Close your mind and talk. Don't dare try too hard to come up with something to say. Just. Talk. Engage. Engage. Just... Engage.

Back to Normal

Ugh, I just want to first off say I need to stop drinking. Also, I need to stop drinking on weeknights. Also, I'm right at the point in life where I could use a sassy gay friend to call me a stupid bitch and say "what what WHAT are you doing?" and "look at your life, look at your choices." Yea. Anyways.

So yesterday was kinda unusual but a nice change from how the household works around here, but I think we were both kinda paying for the night before. Me particularly. Someone needs to force feed me if I plan on drinking, I just can't keep drinking on empty stomachs and drinking as much as I like. Side note though, I digress. So yesterday was a nice chill Lost marathon day. I've been trying to teach myself to believe people when they say things like "I'm happy you're here," but it's really hard. I mean, logically they have absolutely no reason to lie and say something like that so I keep trying to tell myself to get over it and accept it. I feel like I kind of come and go in people's lives though, and that's pretty much true. I get restless easily, I get worried easily, I get anxious easily and if I think for one moment the other person has figured me out too deeply, I have to leave.

And it's not that I don't want people to understand what makes me tick and my "deep" crap, but it's really dangerous allowing someone in like that. I don't know why I find it to be such a big deal, I'm allowed into others' worries and concerns and deepnesses so I should return the favor, but I think there's too much. There's just too much more than being in the restless stage of life trying to understand myself. There are things past that, things that are really dangerous, things that stem from self-loathing behavior and feeling. And I have to do my best to brush it off and simplify it by saying I'm a 25 year old student/struggling artist looking for a place to call my own. Or I'm a fucked up girl looking for a piece of mind. Either or really. And that's the best I can do.

I like it when people confide in me, it makes me feel important and helps me understand who they are past the surface and I usually need that since I tend to make everyone around me look perfect and myself the complete and total loser. Even about friend troubles, even family troubles, even troubles that somehow affect me without them knowing it affects me. And that recently happened and it was interesting and kind of voided my last entry on here. And then it got better, and then today happened, and everything is back to normal as it always was. Everything has changed, and everything is back. And boo on my end.

Well not really. I have to look at my life as isolated incidences which is what yesterday was. Just an incident in the past not meant for a repeat but meant to shape the rest of my life for the better (or worse if I get bitter), and that's all it is. Living here is kind of like that. Everyday is just an isolated incident. And I am still essentially on my own.

And it's a super nice day and I want to be outside so badly but I have no place to go. And the roomie took off sometime in there when I was taking a shower and as I said we're back to normal. I need to eat, I haven't really had much in the past 36 hours except half a bottle of tums and well, here we are.

Everything Changes

Am I the only one who says things like "oh it's fine" when dealing with something that makes you not feel fine? Like if you say it's ok you can blow off what you're feeling and pretend you won't feel it? I can't be the only one.

It didn't take me long to go from "life is pretty much great" back to "well....I'm living because I'm breathing, that is all." I suppose that isn't a surprise though when it comes to me and it's only a matter of time before highs wear off.

Some stuff is going to change, that's all, in my life and the people's lives around me. Dynamics will be shifting, groups will be changing, and I guess I'm just trying to put it all together before I go back. Originally when I went into this living in the cities with someone else thing, I walked in with the mentality that we are living under the same roof, but we are very different people living separate lives. I didn't necessarily want to connect my life with someone else even if we were in somewhat close quarters. I also didn't believe we had enough in common to get along past roommate/acquaintance. And then I discovered on the outside we might be different, but we still had a lot in common past that surface level and I threw out my rule.

I'm wishing I had stuck to the rule a bit, because I think I'm in for some tough times ahead now that certain people are back in other people's lives and well, let's just say I don't think I can compete. And you know what? I don't want to. I'm the kind of person who refuses to compete for a person's attention or affection or what have you. It has to be their own conscious will to want to give anything like that to me or to whoever else it may be. There's no point in fighting for it because who says they'd want to give it to you in the first place? And our lives are already busy, I fear this figure that's been established for so long already is just going to make sure any of the little bit of time that our paths cross won't be ours.

This isn't to say I won't continue growing socially and get to know other people, because that is inevitably going to be happening, but there is a huge intimidation factor walking into an environment of people that have been established for....ever, it seems. It's an odd man out/third wheel situation and that isn't something I particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with. And early on when I started living there I had some freak out moments feeling like that before realizing I can be friendly and socially contribute. No doubt this will happen again, but there are just higher stakes. I don't know, I'm tired and this has been on my mind. Maybe I'll feel better now.

"If you just walked away,
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?"

~Staind, Everything Changes

My Facebook Status Says...

"Actually feeling like I like life."

Scary isn't it? It really is. But it's.... Nice.

I just joined a film project where I got to manage a casting call tonight and I'm gonna stick with them because I really like them and I can help them out as casting assistant/PA/all around assistant for the project. This should be good, it's called networking and it's something I rarely do even though I am very well aware of how important that is in this industry and hopefully something good should come out of it.


And this whole living thing is working out pretty well. I think that last weekend fiasco cemented something more, I'm not sure. I also am not sure I'm coherent at this point. And it's not even that late. I feel like we've delved into what girls need to delve into when it comes to new relationships and friendships and whatnot and even though we haven't had the outburst that I know is waiting to happen... Well, wait, that's a lie.

I did have my small outburst the other week when I got stuck in a group about politics with her and I legit got a headache halfway through cause I HATE IT. After they left, I may have gone off a little (using a few choice words I don't believe I've spoken around her) about how I see life with politics and God's law versus man's law and pretty much flat out said I don't give a flying fuck about what man does and what laws he sets up. He can do what he wants but in the end God'll reign his law over it all so who cares. I don't care about other people, I don't care about myself, I don't care.

Sidenote. Be careful to not tell people you don't give a damn about yourself too often. It's not always the best idea in the world.

Anyways, that led to the air being open/cleared and then we had a nice talk about relationships and the past and yea. Old news. And I somehow managed to blurt out "I'm alone" yesterday when we were talking which was also not the wisest idea. It was in relation to family dying and I did have to flat out say after my parents are gone, I AM alone. There was no lie or pretense there, just the truth, but I mean... Should people be talking about that stuff?

But I did say I wanted to be more emotionally connected to people. But I mean, I don't know if it's a good idea to just blurt out all your baggage and history and pains and torments just for the hell of it. Time and place thing. Which is why the only attribution left about me has not been discussed, I'm sure. She's seen the scars, she's seen my attitude, but oh boy that would be a whole new can of worms that would take a long time to discuss  that we actually don't have. So in the end, it's fine. We did start watching Lost together which has been a nice way of saying "hey I like being around you" and we seem to actively try to find ways to spend time together, but it's still just.... Smaller. Like I said, it's fine. Besides, things will change next week when her best friend comes home from Guatemala and they can be together all the time again like apparently they always are. I can go back to.... Regressing?

But right now, things are ok. Weird.