...I don't think anyway. I'm not actually sure anymore.
I'm playing a very dangerous game for a woman (or so I would be told by all the female figures in my life who have gone through breakups and divorces and whatnots). I'm still allowing myself to live in this environment with this person who is supposed to be my ex that ripped out my heart and darkened my soul. It's not completely by choice in some ways, I have a lot of factors going on in my life right now and this living place is well, in the middle of where all my life has been- downtown Minneapolis, film, jobs, networking, etc.
Sure, now that the film festival is over, I don't technically have a job here anymore. And I don't technically have a living space if I wasn't allowed to crash in this apartment. But there are my people here. And if I pack all this shit up and move back home to booniesville, Wisconsin, I fear I'll lose whatever drive I had here and maybe not get it back this time. This isn't the first time I've had to do this. We remember that year, the year I had to recover from the broken leg. LOTS of entries on that. None very happy.
Granted, entries from this past year haven't been particularly happy either. You know, happiness is too dangerous. I never really liked it, it's not consistent enough and it does go away. You can't always stay happy no matter what. It's not physically or literally or mentally possible. Even the healthiest people aren't always happy. It doesn't work that way. I feel pretty bad now after rereading these entries just how horrible things got here. No one in any relationship should have to go through that. I didn't realize how severe it was at the time, but in a clearer headspace, it's horrible! I wouldn't wish that on anyone and I'm so sad it got to that point and that I was helpless to do anything about it. And I can understand the perspective of the ex, how he was seeing it and feeling the heaviness in the apartment. Me too. Unfortunately, not one thing started it, just a combination of both of our point of views being WRONG and darkening this place. And neither of us effectively did anything about it. He emotionally couldn't, and I was too terrified to say anything and unsure since having never been in a relationship, I wasn't sure what we talk about and what we take care of on our own.
It turns out if you're in a serious relationship with another human being, your well being is always something that should be talked about. Theirs too. I know now for the future that anything, even something super tiny, that triggers me in any way, I will share. It is only fair and yea there's this terror involved of being rejected or being mocked or disregarded, but I'll have known I got it out of me before it destroyed me, and I guess if I get that negative response, then this person is not meant for me.
Although I'll tell you right now, I have many doubts that there even is a person that is "meant for" me. There seems to be far too many variables when you throw in another human life, mentality, psyche, whatever, that I'm just not sold that it works this way. Especially for me. I had been convinced for my entire life that I was meant to be alone, that it was literally God's will and I was certainly not gonna mess with that, and then ex boy came along and changed all that. But now I'm back to the beginning wondering what the point was to begin with. Especially when you are actually in love with someone but they couldn't even care as deeply as you for you. Seems to be a stupid game. I don't like the odds, and I don't feel like taking anymore risks. I look at marriages and relationships of people I know and I can't even fathom what that is really like, how they got to those places of unconditional anything for each other. Maybe I had a dud. Or maybe this will be the best I will ever have in my lifetime. I don't think anything is on my side as far as relationships to come, and I guess that's fine now. I don't think I care anymore.
For the record, I know why he came into my life. I was trying to kill myself. I mean, literally. By the time we crashed into each other in person, I was on a one way trip to hell and I wasn't going to stop until I was six feet under. Between the cutting, starving, drinking, pill popping, I was trying to escape the living. And then he came and distracted me from it. And he made me feel good. He pursued me and made me feel things I didn't know I could and turned me around. I still had rough patches and mental bad times, but it wasn't like what had been going on. I was always so grateful and always tried to tell him. I even wrote him a lovely note about how much I appreciated him coming into my life for our only Valentines that was ever celebrated. I meant it. I've always meant everything I've said. I can't not. And maybe that's why this was so hard for me.
Sidenote: May have just gotten distracted by rereading really old entries of this relationship. And then started crying and apologizing profusely to my past self. I see now what I couldn't see then and I am so sorry I was put through this. Honestly though? Looking at these, having this chronicled, makes it easier for me to get over him, or to at least manage in this environment when I have to share the living space with him. I don't pine over him or gaze longingly at him because I know better and knew what became of that when I did in the past. I certainly don't want to keep this up for too long, feels like I'll wear out my welcome and we'll just get annoyed with each other again or something, and I really want all my stuff out of here just so he can see how barren and empty and alone this place will be without me and what I added, but at least I know I can take this in small doses.
To be honest, I've never been more secure around him than I am right now. That seems counterproductive or backwards, but it's true. I've also never felt more confident around him. We've taken up what appears to be fuck buddies and I love every moment of it. I love the random play that leads to things and somehow being irresistible, especially if I've been gone for a week. I'm more forward and take more chances, and maybe that just does have something to do with how I care so much less about what he thinks or will think. I can take or leave all of this and him now, and I feel more empowered. But like I said, I don't want to wear out my welcome, so I'll probably go back home to Wisconsin soon just to stay away and regroup which is what I've been doing and I look forward to those little things. This is just a visit spot now. He's just a visit...friend? Someone. Something.
And so I guess I don't really care anymore. Maybe there are some mixed signals when doing this, but I know for sure we are broken up. I know for sure I do not mean anything to him. I know for sure he does not feel emotionally connected to me in any way. I know for sure he never loved me. So, I'd like to say that's a step in the right direction.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I Hate You. You Hurt Me.
Well. That relationship is done.
Sigh.
I don't even- I don't- There are just no words I guess. Pain, I can tell you that. Definite pain. And I'm pissed. I'm so angry.
I'm angry that he just gave up. He just shut down and decided to not even bother trying in the relationship when it finally got hard and he could no longer ignore it. Damage had definitely happened in the relationship, if this blog is any indication, but he had me led on that he actually cared and could handle when I was in this depression that I went through. That was a lie. He couldn't and so he shut off emotionally from me. Everything I was feeling and talking about on here? Was legit because he had already started acting that way without even knowing it.
He has reactive attachment disorder. It's a pretty sucky thing that does legitimately cut off emotional understanding in your psyche. I figured this out, put it past him, and he agreed. I looked into adult attachment styles and found there are four different ones- one being an avoidant attachment style. Another insecure. He's an avoidant and I've become insecure. It's the most common but the most dysfunctional and destructive. They said it can be overcome with understanding and work from each party, and it had seemed he was going with that too.
But then a few weeks ago, he drops it on me that he hadn't reattached since our initial "apart time" (which had spurred me on to learning all this stuff about him and us), and that when he figured it out and was trying all it made him do was want to avoid and distance himself from me and that at the moment he no longer wanted to try. I guess I thought that just meant he didn't want to try one facet of the whole thing, but that we were still together and decently ok. A few days later, he clarified that by "not trying" meant he didn't want to try in the relationship period. And then there was no point in me staying. I thought it was just a slow warm up thing, damage was done and it would take time to heal.
I hate that he could just throw this away. That when things got too hard, he was too lazy to bother working on it. That I wasn't worth enough to work this out. He gave up on me when he gave up on this relationship. I saw it as an "us," a "unit," everything I did was for both of us. Everything I felt, everything I thought about, everything. And I thought I'd at least have that in return with him. But instead, when I was hurting, that was when he was walking away mentally. It was no longer our fun and games relationship like when I first moved in because it was now REAL LIFE and he couldn't even bother to handle it.
He was so adamant on having me move in with him. So adamant that it was "the next level in the relationship." And he had us all fooled. We thought this was the next level, and then the next probably getting engaged or heading down that path. And instead, it was just a means to throw me out when I showed unfavorable qualities. I know I talked a lot about feeling bad and such, but it never stopped me from wanting to be in this relationship. I knew there are trials and tribulations, and this (and him) was important and worthy enough for me to stick it out and work on it. Even finding out about the attachment stuff wasn't a big enough deterrent. Nothing was ever too big for me to fight.
And I hate it that he didn't see that. And didn't see me as important like I did. He just gave up and didn't take any of that into consideration. All the time he thought I was just mopey and pathetic, I was thinking about us. I was working out through my head how I could talk to him about what had happened between us or what I felt had happened and do it effectively to fix up the situation. But instead this happened. It's like, I didn't even get a chance to tell my side of the story, especially of the things he attacked me on and didn't like.
And now he has the nerve to say all along that he cares and wants me in his life. He acts like we're some sort of "friends," but doesn't even treat me with consideration that a friend has. I've been staying at my parents' for most of this after this happened and the film festival I was working for finished, but the last time I had to go to the cities and stay there, he couldn't keep away from me. He couldn't keep his hands off me. We joked and laughed and somehow ended up fucking twice in one day.
That's partially me. I wanted to be a "friends with benefits" thing because, well, I like the benefits. And I'm in no place to go out with any new person, even for sex. I tried it right away and I felt like shit. I guess in some ways, I call this "weaning" myself off him, but in the end, I don't know if it'll do any good. I have become more confident in myself, and it tends to show, and I think that makes him all hot and bothered in some ways. I enjoy using it to my advantage, but at the end of the day, I know I can't stay friends in any way or stay in contact with him. He broke me and I hate him for it. I want to scream at him so much and tell him all the ways he hurt me and how pissed off I am because of it. But the fact that I have to go back to that apartment sometimes means I can't tell him off. That would be a terribly worse and awkward situation. It's not that I don't enjoy whatever happens if we happen to be in the same apartment, and I know it's done. I very well know he's done, but I have to put on this front that this is all ok.
And it's not. He plays mind games when he feels like it, sometimes texting me but then ignoring anything I might say back. Or liking a shit ton of my facebook posts or comment on them, but nothing else. Usually just when I've gotten over it. I'm still fighting so many things. And he's literally just gone back to life like he was always living like nothing happened. He has his little "trio" of new board game friends (that happen to be female), and he pretty much spends all his time with them. Especially if I'm at the apartment for a period of time. And I'm working on me. And I know I am LIGHT YEARS further on myself then he will ever be. I don't think he's capable of any serious emotions. I don't think he's even capable of showing them to himself. I think he's so detached from his emotions that he will never get better and be able to better himself for his future and someone else's. He didn't want help. He didn't think he needed it. But being that repressed? You need some fucking help, boy.
Sigh.
I don't even- I don't- There are just no words I guess. Pain, I can tell you that. Definite pain. And I'm pissed. I'm so angry.
I'm angry that he just gave up. He just shut down and decided to not even bother trying in the relationship when it finally got hard and he could no longer ignore it. Damage had definitely happened in the relationship, if this blog is any indication, but he had me led on that he actually cared and could handle when I was in this depression that I went through. That was a lie. He couldn't and so he shut off emotionally from me. Everything I was feeling and talking about on here? Was legit because he had already started acting that way without even knowing it.
He has reactive attachment disorder. It's a pretty sucky thing that does legitimately cut off emotional understanding in your psyche. I figured this out, put it past him, and he agreed. I looked into adult attachment styles and found there are four different ones- one being an avoidant attachment style. Another insecure. He's an avoidant and I've become insecure. It's the most common but the most dysfunctional and destructive. They said it can be overcome with understanding and work from each party, and it had seemed he was going with that too.
But then a few weeks ago, he drops it on me that he hadn't reattached since our initial "apart time" (which had spurred me on to learning all this stuff about him and us), and that when he figured it out and was trying all it made him do was want to avoid and distance himself from me and that at the moment he no longer wanted to try. I guess I thought that just meant he didn't want to try one facet of the whole thing, but that we were still together and decently ok. A few days later, he clarified that by "not trying" meant he didn't want to try in the relationship period. And then there was no point in me staying. I thought it was just a slow warm up thing, damage was done and it would take time to heal.
I hate that he could just throw this away. That when things got too hard, he was too lazy to bother working on it. That I wasn't worth enough to work this out. He gave up on me when he gave up on this relationship. I saw it as an "us," a "unit," everything I did was for both of us. Everything I felt, everything I thought about, everything. And I thought I'd at least have that in return with him. But instead, when I was hurting, that was when he was walking away mentally. It was no longer our fun and games relationship like when I first moved in because it was now REAL LIFE and he couldn't even bother to handle it.
He was so adamant on having me move in with him. So adamant that it was "the next level in the relationship." And he had us all fooled. We thought this was the next level, and then the next probably getting engaged or heading down that path. And instead, it was just a means to throw me out when I showed unfavorable qualities. I know I talked a lot about feeling bad and such, but it never stopped me from wanting to be in this relationship. I knew there are trials and tribulations, and this (and him) was important and worthy enough for me to stick it out and work on it. Even finding out about the attachment stuff wasn't a big enough deterrent. Nothing was ever too big for me to fight.
And I hate it that he didn't see that. And didn't see me as important like I did. He just gave up and didn't take any of that into consideration. All the time he thought I was just mopey and pathetic, I was thinking about us. I was working out through my head how I could talk to him about what had happened between us or what I felt had happened and do it effectively to fix up the situation. But instead this happened. It's like, I didn't even get a chance to tell my side of the story, especially of the things he attacked me on and didn't like.
And now he has the nerve to say all along that he cares and wants me in his life. He acts like we're some sort of "friends," but doesn't even treat me with consideration that a friend has. I've been staying at my parents' for most of this after this happened and the film festival I was working for finished, but the last time I had to go to the cities and stay there, he couldn't keep away from me. He couldn't keep his hands off me. We joked and laughed and somehow ended up fucking twice in one day.
That's partially me. I wanted to be a "friends with benefits" thing because, well, I like the benefits. And I'm in no place to go out with any new person, even for sex. I tried it right away and I felt like shit. I guess in some ways, I call this "weaning" myself off him, but in the end, I don't know if it'll do any good. I have become more confident in myself, and it tends to show, and I think that makes him all hot and bothered in some ways. I enjoy using it to my advantage, but at the end of the day, I know I can't stay friends in any way or stay in contact with him. He broke me and I hate him for it. I want to scream at him so much and tell him all the ways he hurt me and how pissed off I am because of it. But the fact that I have to go back to that apartment sometimes means I can't tell him off. That would be a terribly worse and awkward situation. It's not that I don't enjoy whatever happens if we happen to be in the same apartment, and I know it's done. I very well know he's done, but I have to put on this front that this is all ok.
And it's not. He plays mind games when he feels like it, sometimes texting me but then ignoring anything I might say back. Or liking a shit ton of my facebook posts or comment on them, but nothing else. Usually just when I've gotten over it. I'm still fighting so many things. And he's literally just gone back to life like he was always living like nothing happened. He has his little "trio" of new board game friends (that happen to be female), and he pretty much spends all his time with them. Especially if I'm at the apartment for a period of time. And I'm working on me. And I know I am LIGHT YEARS further on myself then he will ever be. I don't think he's capable of any serious emotions. I don't think he's even capable of showing them to himself. I think he's so detached from his emotions that he will never get better and be able to better himself for his future and someone else's. He didn't want help. He didn't think he needed it. But being that repressed? You need some fucking help, boy.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Let's Talk Insecurities
Why? Because why not really. Because I was left this entire day to myself and somehow I became a bit wonky. And it's strange because I feel slightly high.... But I have had no mind altering substance of any sort. Unless you count leftover sweet and sour chicken. Really good sweet and sour chicken.
I had to find some way to entertain myself, so I guess I just let myself get a little loopy. I had been bumming a bit a while ago about hating coming home and being in an empty apartment when it's supposed to be shared since well, it feels like another person should be there as opposed to living alone where you know you'll come home and be alone and it's ok but I guess I'm working on just getting over that at this point and enjoying it a bit. It turns out it is not the worst thing in the world to know that no one will be around until the wee hours of the morning so you can feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Two hour showers? Yes please. Naps? Sure why not. Play Diablo 3 all day? Go for it! "Forget" to eat? Well who's gonna call you out? Talk to yourself and start up your inner monologues again? Well it's about time!
So needless to say, this is what my day consisted of. I'm slowly working on getting over him always being gone weekends (so it seems). It is always a bit unfortunate because weekends are really when I want to indulge in being a couple, but free will is incredibly important to me and if he wants to play board games with the guys, he can play board games with the guys. Besides, I've forgotten how to be independent so I guess I need this time away. And also besides I will be leaving for a week. For my birthday. And if that isn't the biggest burn, then I don't know what is.
Yea, maybe he'd want to spend my birthday with me, but you know what? At this point, you don't deserve to. I'd rather be at home with my family enjoying my time where I feel most accepted. I just feel like in some ways he needs to be without me for some time. Think he forgets who I am, that I should be important. I'm always just here right now and well blah, ya know? So I need to be gone. On a "special" day to top it off. Then you'll know how it feels when something important happens and you don't get to be a part of it.
Or like tonight when I thought it might be nice to shave and make myself all smooth and clean and smelling good and put on a cute little neglige with cute lace panties *just in case* he came home at a decent hour and more or less just for me (no reason we can't feel good in these things for ourselves ladies), and instead ended up beating Diablo for about the 7th time I think at this point and was right in the middle of the battle when he came home at around 12:30. Didn't have much to say to him at this point and I was already kind of in loopy land enjoying myself and entertaining myself with my off hand comments to myself about Diablo (especially how he says "terROR" I love it), that I barely paid attention when he sat down beside me and eventually he just left and went to bed.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS. NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED LIKE YOU WISH. TO BE A LITTLE LEAD ON AND THEN SHOT DOWN. TO BE IGNORED BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS IGNORING YOU FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS A FUCKING GAME. THERE. ENJOY IT BITCH.
Hm. This isn't so much about insecurities anymore is it? Or actually, I guess it kind of is.... Anyways, I only decided to write because I discovered I was wide awake when I went to bed and he wasn't really paying attention or caring I existed. And I was still discovering I felt kinda sorta wonky. Well, to be fair, I don't eat that much anymore. I'm not trying to starve myself actively like I have in the past, I just physically can't eat that much. And I suppose that has to do with all the light headedness which is probably what makes me feel wonky and high. It's not the worst thing in the world and as long as I don't do strenuous activity, hey, seems totally safe. Besides, I've gotten fat and I need to get some of that off. This is a little slow, but I'll get there. All right, well, I'm gonna try to go back to bed.
I had to find some way to entertain myself, so I guess I just let myself get a little loopy. I had been bumming a bit a while ago about hating coming home and being in an empty apartment when it's supposed to be shared since well, it feels like another person should be there as opposed to living alone where you know you'll come home and be alone and it's ok but I guess I'm working on just getting over that at this point and enjoying it a bit. It turns out it is not the worst thing in the world to know that no one will be around until the wee hours of the morning so you can feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Two hour showers? Yes please. Naps? Sure why not. Play Diablo 3 all day? Go for it! "Forget" to eat? Well who's gonna call you out? Talk to yourself and start up your inner monologues again? Well it's about time!
So needless to say, this is what my day consisted of. I'm slowly working on getting over him always being gone weekends (so it seems). It is always a bit unfortunate because weekends are really when I want to indulge in being a couple, but free will is incredibly important to me and if he wants to play board games with the guys, he can play board games with the guys. Besides, I've forgotten how to be independent so I guess I need this time away. And also besides I will be leaving for a week. For my birthday. And if that isn't the biggest burn, then I don't know what is.
Yea, maybe he'd want to spend my birthday with me, but you know what? At this point, you don't deserve to. I'd rather be at home with my family enjoying my time where I feel most accepted. I just feel like in some ways he needs to be without me for some time. Think he forgets who I am, that I should be important. I'm always just here right now and well blah, ya know? So I need to be gone. On a "special" day to top it off. Then you'll know how it feels when something important happens and you don't get to be a part of it.
Or like tonight when I thought it might be nice to shave and make myself all smooth and clean and smelling good and put on a cute little neglige with cute lace panties *just in case* he came home at a decent hour and more or less just for me (no reason we can't feel good in these things for ourselves ladies), and instead ended up beating Diablo for about the 7th time I think at this point and was right in the middle of the battle when he came home at around 12:30. Didn't have much to say to him at this point and I was already kind of in loopy land enjoying myself and entertaining myself with my off hand comments to myself about Diablo (especially how he says "terROR" I love it), that I barely paid attention when he sat down beside me and eventually he just left and went to bed.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS. NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED LIKE YOU WISH. TO BE A LITTLE LEAD ON AND THEN SHOT DOWN. TO BE IGNORED BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS IGNORING YOU FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS A FUCKING GAME. THERE. ENJOY IT BITCH.
Hm. This isn't so much about insecurities anymore is it? Or actually, I guess it kind of is.... Anyways, I only decided to write because I discovered I was wide awake when I went to bed and he wasn't really paying attention or caring I existed. And I was still discovering I felt kinda sorta wonky. Well, to be fair, I don't eat that much anymore. I'm not trying to starve myself actively like I have in the past, I just physically can't eat that much. And I suppose that has to do with all the light headedness which is probably what makes me feel wonky and high. It's not the worst thing in the world and as long as I don't do strenuous activity, hey, seems totally safe. Besides, I've gotten fat and I need to get some of that off. This is a little slow, but I'll get there. All right, well, I'm gonna try to go back to bed.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Turning Tables
Trick title. Though tables have turned, yes.
Finally for the first time in the almost 15 months of our relationship, I finally yelled at the guy and was assertive. I could no longer stand him not talking back when I tried to open up, even as pathetic it was an attempt. We saw things so fucking differently and that made it hard (as I'm sure I've repeatedly said), but when I've tried to say something and usually say that it's stupid or something on the end of it because I'm trying to cover my feelings up, he would always ignore and completely not acknowledge it, so I would feel even shittier and think that I was indeed right to hate having feelings. And finally, I just told him, "This is where you talk."
And then the small blow up happened where he said "You're just degrading yourself so I have nothing to say to that I don't respond to degrading people." And well, that felt good. But somehow, somewhere in there, an understanding and balance occurred. I don't try to degrade myself for the fun of it, but it's a defense mechanism. And he seems to always be upset (even though I couldn't tell) of my disregard for life. I don't constantly talk about it, but I believe that hey, if I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have life problems. It would be easy then. And big deal, we all know that right? But I guess that upsets him, and this was the first time he ever told me. He's said things that he doesn't "respond" to that kind of behavior and talk, but he would never elaborate or give me anything on how he felt, and last night was the first time I ever actually felt relief. I guess I talk a lot about things ending, because that's the only way I can believe I should see the world and my life and the relationship going, and that wears on him because he doesn't want to think the relationship is going to end. I never wanted it to, you know, but I was always scared that's how he felt and didn't care. But for once, he finally told me.
See, that's all I've wanted, all I've needed for a year. I love you isn't so important, it's just three words, but not hearing anything from his inner self had been the death of me and I thought those words would fix that. No, there are many other words that would fix it more. And I hope this understanding can keep up. I hope I can keep feeling this. Because I've been in so much pain for so long. And I just want to feel good and secure again. To smile freely when I look at him and randomly start dancing with him in the kitchen to The Christmas Waltz and kiss him when I want and laugh and poke at him and have it reciprocated. Those are the good times. They used to happen (off and on more or less if I kept out of my headspace). But I want them more again. I want consistency. I want function. I get I have to yell a bit and be more assertive when I feel like shit. He doesn't know. And I've always known he doesn't know but for some reason I've always wanted to believe he would magically figure it out. And that's stupid and even I know that.
So, here's to turning tables eh? Let's try it.
Finally for the first time in the almost 15 months of our relationship, I finally yelled at the guy and was assertive. I could no longer stand him not talking back when I tried to open up, even as pathetic it was an attempt. We saw things so fucking differently and that made it hard (as I'm sure I've repeatedly said), but when I've tried to say something and usually say that it's stupid or something on the end of it because I'm trying to cover my feelings up, he would always ignore and completely not acknowledge it, so I would feel even shittier and think that I was indeed right to hate having feelings. And finally, I just told him, "This is where you talk."
And then the small blow up happened where he said "You're just degrading yourself so I have nothing to say to that I don't respond to degrading people." And well, that felt good. But somehow, somewhere in there, an understanding and balance occurred. I don't try to degrade myself for the fun of it, but it's a defense mechanism. And he seems to always be upset (even though I couldn't tell) of my disregard for life. I don't constantly talk about it, but I believe that hey, if I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have life problems. It would be easy then. And big deal, we all know that right? But I guess that upsets him, and this was the first time he ever told me. He's said things that he doesn't "respond" to that kind of behavior and talk, but he would never elaborate or give me anything on how he felt, and last night was the first time I ever actually felt relief. I guess I talk a lot about things ending, because that's the only way I can believe I should see the world and my life and the relationship going, and that wears on him because he doesn't want to think the relationship is going to end. I never wanted it to, you know, but I was always scared that's how he felt and didn't care. But for once, he finally told me.
See, that's all I've wanted, all I've needed for a year. I love you isn't so important, it's just three words, but not hearing anything from his inner self had been the death of me and I thought those words would fix that. No, there are many other words that would fix it more. And I hope this understanding can keep up. I hope I can keep feeling this. Because I've been in so much pain for so long. And I just want to feel good and secure again. To smile freely when I look at him and randomly start dancing with him in the kitchen to The Christmas Waltz and kiss him when I want and laugh and poke at him and have it reciprocated. Those are the good times. They used to happen (off and on more or less if I kept out of my headspace). But I want them more again. I want consistency. I want function. I get I have to yell a bit and be more assertive when I feel like shit. He doesn't know. And I've always known he doesn't know but for some reason I've always wanted to believe he would magically figure it out. And that's stupid and even I know that.
So, here's to turning tables eh? Let's try it.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Start Reflecting
Ok so.... May have had a major panic attack yesterday... Whoops.
Things just got so overwhelming ya know? Feeling the amount of insecurity and pain and seeing all his actions like they're just ignoring me and he doesn't care just tipped me over the edge I guess. I was exactly right about how the morning would go, he woke up, left, I was awake and knew but ignored, he played on his computer, finished work, entertained himself, no checking in on me. And an hour or two later I heard the shower and pretty much just lost it. There was something symbolic about just getting ready to leave without acknowledging this person you're supposed to be in a relationship with that triggered my body into something I've never experienced and couldn't control. All I could do was quickly text a friend about having it, bury myself under the blankets, and try not to pass out from hyperventilating.
He came in the room and I was somehow able to keep as quiet as I could, and I could feel him sit on the bed to put clothes on and then get ready to leave. And then that was the second time I lost it. And finally he fucking figured it out. There was a lot of gibberish and sobbing and hyperventilating as he finally put his arms around me after like a week. I didn't know what to do with that contact and I almost didn't want it. It would be easier if he ignored me so my theory would continue to be true, but that didn't happen. And finally, it was out. "Why do you bother talking about doing things with me in the future when it's just a hollow relationship? What if we're living in a hollow relationship that means nothing? I'm too emotional for you. What if we're not supposed to be together? I mean, we don't even say I love you. I'm scared. I've been scared for a long time. My heart hurts!"
There was no love response. I could see concern in his eyes. I could see him triggered when I said we don't say I love you. He had a visceral reaction, probably because it was unexpected. He constantly tells me to talk about how I feel but never does the same for me. His voice changed, it was more serious, more real. So serious, I had to believe when he said he cared for me deeply. He did his typical explanation of not being connected with his emotions well, the thing that kills me most, and said when I start feeling this way or any way, that I just need to yell at him, be forceful, get it through to him, that he can work with things better that way as opposed to depression panic attacks. That he talks about doing things in the future with me and a future because he wants that. And I guess that was the best way to say this relationship is supposed to be ok and real.
Then my friend suddenly showed up since I hadn't replied to any of her texts and proceeded to take me away from him and we ordered takeout and played Diablo 3. He left anyway because it's that fucking monthly board game weekend so I guess it was good someone was around me. And I did feel better after that. It seemed the air had been cleared and everything, and everything felt kind of in a positive light and when I took her home we discussed the symbolism of these three damn words that I'm so hung up on, and it isn't because I want to hear them. I want the emotion behind it. The true, raw, sincere, meaningful emotion that is supposed to be in those words. And just getting him to say it to say it wouldn't have made anything better. So there is hope, I guess. She gave me a funny scenario that it's gonna be one of our most unexpected and quirky moments when we're in the middle of the hardest level of inferno mode and we'll have just killed Diablo and it will just happen. We'll give each other a look and be like "k" and proceed to play the game again. That is us, we're weird and quirky and anything but conventional I'd like to think.
I'm still really subdued though today. And I'm getting worried I won't be able to talk to him anymore. Just daily conversation and showing normal daily emotions is suddenly hard around him. This was a set back for me, mentally and emotionally (and physically a little), and there are going to be repercussions unfortunately. It also didn't help I tried to start some fun play in bed and he just kinda shot it down. I mean, honestly, no one is that oblivious that when someone puts a hand down his pants he thinks that means nothing? Sigh. Could've used it. Could've helped me. And instead I got "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's get food." To which I finally replied by getting up, throwing on a robe and heading to the kitchen. He tried to do things like grab my butt and stuff but by that point it's like what the fuck is wrong with you? You missed your fucking chance. It was staring you in the face with it's fucking hand down your pants and now you think maybe you'll try something? No, that's not how this works! So I had to ignore him a bit just to try to keep my mind at bay and then well, he was gone again for more board games.
It turns out I probably shouldn't have had a day alone. I've gotten increasingly miserable replaying this morning and yesterday out in my head, I've gone back to believing he just doesn't care, I'm afraid that I won't be able to be around or say or do anything that even slightly references the word love. No more lovey dovey songs that I like or movies like What Dreams May Come, now we have to hiss and spew and avoid the word and only horror movies, terror, evil, coldness, angsty dark, deceit, betrayal, and pain may be consumed. Well, my music history is much more extensive in that area anyway. It's only 8pm and I don't want to do anything with my life. I hate the feeling that I'm just trying to wait up for him because I miss him when I very well know it'll be probably 11 before he gets home. It somewhat kills me he didn't think to skip out early a bit just to spend time with your emotionally sensitive girlfriend and that somehow he thinks things are all completely hunky dory again. No, this is a process. The main part was yesterday, but there are still residual emotions, I'm weak and I still need someone there for me until this process finishes. It's only just begun. There are other thoughts and other concerns and other pain and it's still important to have someone there for reassurance. And I was just left alone.
But, early on I said I would never be the girlfriend that would tell him what he can and cannot do, where he can go, how long he can be there, etc, and I'm still standing by that. Board games are a big passion of his (and not the worst hobby in the world), and he's gotten to know a whole bunch of people now through it since he found these marathons, so enjoy. It'd be pretty selfish to tell him he shouldn't go because me. So instead I'll go to bed. Why not? I won't be able to sleep anyway cuz I so desperately want him to be here, but I guess I'll have to try.
And you let her go.
Things just got so overwhelming ya know? Feeling the amount of insecurity and pain and seeing all his actions like they're just ignoring me and he doesn't care just tipped me over the edge I guess. I was exactly right about how the morning would go, he woke up, left, I was awake and knew but ignored, he played on his computer, finished work, entertained himself, no checking in on me. And an hour or two later I heard the shower and pretty much just lost it. There was something symbolic about just getting ready to leave without acknowledging this person you're supposed to be in a relationship with that triggered my body into something I've never experienced and couldn't control. All I could do was quickly text a friend about having it, bury myself under the blankets, and try not to pass out from hyperventilating.
He came in the room and I was somehow able to keep as quiet as I could, and I could feel him sit on the bed to put clothes on and then get ready to leave. And then that was the second time I lost it. And finally he fucking figured it out. There was a lot of gibberish and sobbing and hyperventilating as he finally put his arms around me after like a week. I didn't know what to do with that contact and I almost didn't want it. It would be easier if he ignored me so my theory would continue to be true, but that didn't happen. And finally, it was out. "Why do you bother talking about doing things with me in the future when it's just a hollow relationship? What if we're living in a hollow relationship that means nothing? I'm too emotional for you. What if we're not supposed to be together? I mean, we don't even say I love you. I'm scared. I've been scared for a long time. My heart hurts!"
There was no love response. I could see concern in his eyes. I could see him triggered when I said we don't say I love you. He had a visceral reaction, probably because it was unexpected. He constantly tells me to talk about how I feel but never does the same for me. His voice changed, it was more serious, more real. So serious, I had to believe when he said he cared for me deeply. He did his typical explanation of not being connected with his emotions well, the thing that kills me most, and said when I start feeling this way or any way, that I just need to yell at him, be forceful, get it through to him, that he can work with things better that way as opposed to depression panic attacks. That he talks about doing things in the future with me and a future because he wants that. And I guess that was the best way to say this relationship is supposed to be ok and real.
Then my friend suddenly showed up since I hadn't replied to any of her texts and proceeded to take me away from him and we ordered takeout and played Diablo 3. He left anyway because it's that fucking monthly board game weekend so I guess it was good someone was around me. And I did feel better after that. It seemed the air had been cleared and everything, and everything felt kind of in a positive light and when I took her home we discussed the symbolism of these three damn words that I'm so hung up on, and it isn't because I want to hear them. I want the emotion behind it. The true, raw, sincere, meaningful emotion that is supposed to be in those words. And just getting him to say it to say it wouldn't have made anything better. So there is hope, I guess. She gave me a funny scenario that it's gonna be one of our most unexpected and quirky moments when we're in the middle of the hardest level of inferno mode and we'll have just killed Diablo and it will just happen. We'll give each other a look and be like "k" and proceed to play the game again. That is us, we're weird and quirky and anything but conventional I'd like to think.
I'm still really subdued though today. And I'm getting worried I won't be able to talk to him anymore. Just daily conversation and showing normal daily emotions is suddenly hard around him. This was a set back for me, mentally and emotionally (and physically a little), and there are going to be repercussions unfortunately. It also didn't help I tried to start some fun play in bed and he just kinda shot it down. I mean, honestly, no one is that oblivious that when someone puts a hand down his pants he thinks that means nothing? Sigh. Could've used it. Could've helped me. And instead I got "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's get food." To which I finally replied by getting up, throwing on a robe and heading to the kitchen. He tried to do things like grab my butt and stuff but by that point it's like what the fuck is wrong with you? You missed your fucking chance. It was staring you in the face with it's fucking hand down your pants and now you think maybe you'll try something? No, that's not how this works! So I had to ignore him a bit just to try to keep my mind at bay and then well, he was gone again for more board games.
It turns out I probably shouldn't have had a day alone. I've gotten increasingly miserable replaying this morning and yesterday out in my head, I've gone back to believing he just doesn't care, I'm afraid that I won't be able to be around or say or do anything that even slightly references the word love. No more lovey dovey songs that I like or movies like What Dreams May Come, now we have to hiss and spew and avoid the word and only horror movies, terror, evil, coldness, angsty dark, deceit, betrayal, and pain may be consumed. Well, my music history is much more extensive in that area anyway. It's only 8pm and I don't want to do anything with my life. I hate the feeling that I'm just trying to wait up for him because I miss him when I very well know it'll be probably 11 before he gets home. It somewhat kills me he didn't think to skip out early a bit just to spend time with your emotionally sensitive girlfriend and that somehow he thinks things are all completely hunky dory again. No, this is a process. The main part was yesterday, but there are still residual emotions, I'm weak and I still need someone there for me until this process finishes. It's only just begun. There are other thoughts and other concerns and other pain and it's still important to have someone there for reassurance. And I was just left alone.
But, early on I said I would never be the girlfriend that would tell him what he can and cannot do, where he can go, how long he can be there, etc, and I'm still standing by that. Board games are a big passion of his (and not the worst hobby in the world), and he's gotten to know a whole bunch of people now through it since he found these marathons, so enjoy. It'd be pretty selfish to tell him he shouldn't go because me. So instead I'll go to bed. Why not? I won't be able to sleep anyway cuz I so desperately want him to be here, but I guess I'll have to try.
And you let her go.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
And You Let Her Go
AUUUUGH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE COMES TO BED. I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING REPLACED OR OUTED BY A FUCKING CELL PHONE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO VERBALIZE THIS. I AM SO TIRED OF HIM JUST TURNING OVER AND BEING DONE WITH IT. CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM NOT DONE. I AM NOT DONE WITH THE NIGHT AND I KIND OF NEED YOU BUT WHATEVER RIGHT? YEA, WHATEVER.
So there's that song by Passenger that's all over the place now, "Let Her Go," and at first I didn't pay much attention to it cause, I dunno, I guess I didn't really care. And every once in a while my boyfriend would play it since he has the CD but likes most of the other songs better. But then the other day when I was at my lowest little point (the day after my miserable night on here), it finally popped up on my Pandora and I realized well fuck, this is my theme song. This is what I'm terrified of. And this is the truth.
I don't think he would ever say he loves me now. I don't think he even does. And I don't think he would ever know he loves me until I'm gone. And even then, hey, who knows if that would even happen? But isn't that terrifying? "Only know you love her when you let her go." It's horrifying. It's been 14 months. If it's not there by now, it will never be there. And I don't know what the fuck to do.
My mom tells me to stay because it's a good relationship for most other things: He is respectful and treats me well, kind, so far honest and trustworthy to my knowledge, and (according to so many fucking people) cares about me. But at what point does this become a dead end? At what point do I need to assess what the fuck is actually going on? I can feel so good when we're in the moment and feel like we'll be forever, planning our future out together, where we could move, what jobs we could have, what size dog we'd like, but then it can just drop to rock bottom when the realization comes back that there isn't a solid commitment there. I don't need to be married, I don't think. Not yet, no. But for some reason, those three words would cement things a bit more for me. The problem is, anyone can care for another person and respect them, etc. Roommates do that and are that. And I still feel like a roommate a lot of the time because of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful and thankful that he's this good guy that he is, because he really is... But I'm incredibly emotionally wired and I just don't think he is.
And yea, I know they say guys don't do emotions like girls, and that's probably true, but I think if anyone regardless of gender feels something strongly, it will eventually be said. There are enough men married out there for me to think that at some point they used their emotions to get them there. It seems he's holed up a lot of emotional past that I don't know how to get out of him or what to do with and I'm worried that love just isn't something that will ever be a part of him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up he'll feel betrayed somehow, because he speaks with actions a lot and I don't want to look like I'm not grateful for those things. I am deeply. It's something I didn't expect in a relationship, especially a first one. And I appreciate those things so fucking much and it surprises me and makes me happy every time, but I'm really getting to a point where I need a verbal confirmation because that's how I'm wired. At this point.... I guess I just can't explain it past that.
Definitely getting sick again. I was sick the day after this first horrid fiasco, and it was resolved enough when he figured out how it was upsetting the way he acted that night, so then yesterday should have been better, but instead I was even sicker. Couldn't keep food in me and had a killer migraine that wouldn't go away. While I felt better about us, my body clearly didn't. We had fallen asleep curled in each other and I could actually sleep and then when he got home from work yesterday I was able to entice him with wearing his shirt and everything was good. Except for feeling sick. Woke up today and I wasn't sick at all, could eat, no migraine problems, and cheery. But by the time night hit, and I went to bed, I see that just didn't stick. Sometimes..... For some odd reason, just sometimes this happens and I never feel better. I get too scared to say I need you to hold me or hug me or cuddle me. Usually because my attempts in the past have failed with me getting annoyed looks and noises.
And now all I do is skulk around the apartment, slicing my skin up with my nails and punching myself just to get this aggravation and pain out and I'm so sick of it. And I'm so sick of not getting sleep. I guess yay it's a weekend now, but still, I don't like sleeping til noon or past because I couldn't go to bed at a decent hour. I'm not happy then. And I'm not happy the next day.
And I know exactly how tomorrow will go. I'll wake up first but not really move. Then he'll wake up, grab his phone, check facebook, play a few games, get up and walk out to the computer. Here he'll do more facebook, maybe a game, catch up on all those boredpanda or whatever sites, do his internet work (which is legit and understandable and I can deal with that), throw some clothes on, and then head out the door to go play board games for the rest of the day. And somewhere in there I'll be trying to not slice my skin up or cry, taking a long hot shower blasting my Angsty Anger playlist on Pandora, grab my computer and pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while I'm writhing in pain. Or maybe I won't be able to sit still and I'll try to pretend I'm cleaning the bedroom or bathroom. While still blaring Angsty Anger. And then he'll leave and I'll cry and punch the shit out of myself.
I just remembered, I took four zzquil pills. I think they're kicking in. Slowly but I'm feeling it. Damn, I need to start doping myself up again on things. I miss this feeling.
Only know you love her when you let her go....
And you let her go.
So there's that song by Passenger that's all over the place now, "Let Her Go," and at first I didn't pay much attention to it cause, I dunno, I guess I didn't really care. And every once in a while my boyfriend would play it since he has the CD but likes most of the other songs better. But then the other day when I was at my lowest little point (the day after my miserable night on here), it finally popped up on my Pandora and I realized well fuck, this is my theme song. This is what I'm terrified of. And this is the truth.
I don't think he would ever say he loves me now. I don't think he even does. And I don't think he would ever know he loves me until I'm gone. And even then, hey, who knows if that would even happen? But isn't that terrifying? "Only know you love her when you let her go." It's horrifying. It's been 14 months. If it's not there by now, it will never be there. And I don't know what the fuck to do.
My mom tells me to stay because it's a good relationship for most other things: He is respectful and treats me well, kind, so far honest and trustworthy to my knowledge, and (according to so many fucking people) cares about me. But at what point does this become a dead end? At what point do I need to assess what the fuck is actually going on? I can feel so good when we're in the moment and feel like we'll be forever, planning our future out together, where we could move, what jobs we could have, what size dog we'd like, but then it can just drop to rock bottom when the realization comes back that there isn't a solid commitment there. I don't need to be married, I don't think. Not yet, no. But for some reason, those three words would cement things a bit more for me. The problem is, anyone can care for another person and respect them, etc. Roommates do that and are that. And I still feel like a roommate a lot of the time because of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful and thankful that he's this good guy that he is, because he really is... But I'm incredibly emotionally wired and I just don't think he is.
And yea, I know they say guys don't do emotions like girls, and that's probably true, but I think if anyone regardless of gender feels something strongly, it will eventually be said. There are enough men married out there for me to think that at some point they used their emotions to get them there. It seems he's holed up a lot of emotional past that I don't know how to get out of him or what to do with and I'm worried that love just isn't something that will ever be a part of him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up he'll feel betrayed somehow, because he speaks with actions a lot and I don't want to look like I'm not grateful for those things. I am deeply. It's something I didn't expect in a relationship, especially a first one. And I appreciate those things so fucking much and it surprises me and makes me happy every time, but I'm really getting to a point where I need a verbal confirmation because that's how I'm wired. At this point.... I guess I just can't explain it past that.
Definitely getting sick again. I was sick the day after this first horrid fiasco, and it was resolved enough when he figured out how it was upsetting the way he acted that night, so then yesterday should have been better, but instead I was even sicker. Couldn't keep food in me and had a killer migraine that wouldn't go away. While I felt better about us, my body clearly didn't. We had fallen asleep curled in each other and I could actually sleep and then when he got home from work yesterday I was able to entice him with wearing his shirt and everything was good. Except for feeling sick. Woke up today and I wasn't sick at all, could eat, no migraine problems, and cheery. But by the time night hit, and I went to bed, I see that just didn't stick. Sometimes..... For some odd reason, just sometimes this happens and I never feel better. I get too scared to say I need you to hold me or hug me or cuddle me. Usually because my attempts in the past have failed with me getting annoyed looks and noises.
And now all I do is skulk around the apartment, slicing my skin up with my nails and punching myself just to get this aggravation and pain out and I'm so sick of it. And I'm so sick of not getting sleep. I guess yay it's a weekend now, but still, I don't like sleeping til noon or past because I couldn't go to bed at a decent hour. I'm not happy then. And I'm not happy the next day.
And I know exactly how tomorrow will go. I'll wake up first but not really move. Then he'll wake up, grab his phone, check facebook, play a few games, get up and walk out to the computer. Here he'll do more facebook, maybe a game, catch up on all those boredpanda or whatever sites, do his internet work (which is legit and understandable and I can deal with that), throw some clothes on, and then head out the door to go play board games for the rest of the day. And somewhere in there I'll be trying to not slice my skin up or cry, taking a long hot shower blasting my Angsty Anger playlist on Pandora, grab my computer and pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while I'm writhing in pain. Or maybe I won't be able to sit still and I'll try to pretend I'm cleaning the bedroom or bathroom. While still blaring Angsty Anger. And then he'll leave and I'll cry and punch the shit out of myself.
I just remembered, I took four zzquil pills. I think they're kicking in. Slowly but I'm feeling it. Damn, I need to start doping myself up again on things. I miss this feeling.
Only know you love her when you let her go....
And you let her go.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Baby's First Road Trip
And by baby I mean me. And maybe not technically my first road trip, but definitely my longest and most challenging... And my first one with him.
Driving from Minnesota to Virginia in winter is not a smart idea, mind you. Also, mind you, I knew this being I am the native Midwesterner, yet for some reason willingly agreed to go into this. And well, once we were in Ohio and out east, things were fine. But all the other times I pretty much wanted to kill myself. Driving in blizzards, ice storms, and sub zero temperatures just isn't on my list of things that keep me calm and I'm still reeling a bit from the stress of last night's final ascent back to Minneapolis.
Things just feel like shit to be honest. We got in at around midnight, and he had to work the next day at 7:30 in the morning so straight to bed. I knew there was gonna be a problem because how do you wind down from a week long excursion with someone when you live with them? Clearly you need your own space, and well, now I'm wishing I would have just had him drop me off at my parents' when we were driving through yesterday. I knew he was gonna be tired when he got back from work, and even when he called me after to ask if I wanted pizza I could tell he wasn't himself and well, I don't know how to deal with that. He comes home, seems very offish, so I keep my distance and feel like I shouldn't be here. He goes to bed at 6 and here I am alone. I figured I'd play a bit of Diablo and then go to bed, but then he woke up at some point and came in and I still didn't know how to act around him. Needless to say, nothing got better as I got more anxious and sick and he wandered off minding his own business.
And now it's past 1am and I'm wide awake because I feel so terrible. It's like.... when I go to bed before him and am out cold by the time he comes in, things are fine. But when I'm still awake and he comes in and turns on the tv and whips out his phone to play games for the next hour, I feel so.... unwanted and useless. Usually if I'm in a good headspace I'll lean on him or something, but today I felt so out of it, so hypersensitive to the idea that we need to be separate that it fucked with the rest of my sanity and rationality of the relationship. This is not uncommon might I add. This is definitely the biggest reason I don't sleep and definitely the biggest hurdle that keeps me from giving in fully to this relationship. I want to say I love you and believe it, but times like this make me question myself and question us. It hurts when I really need him to be there for me or to say something and acknowledge me so I can tell what's going on but instead he just preoccupies himself with his fucking games. He keeps telling me he needs something to do with his hands and to calm his mind down, and like I said, I can usually handle it and for the most part have gotten used to it, but dammit, sometimes I really need you to not do that. Sometimes I really just need you. I become agitated the longer he's awake, which can easily go for an hour or so, and in that agitated time, my mind goes to every bad thought I can possibly imagine.
"I don't belong here. I should have gone home. I'll just go home tomorrow until Saturday maybe. Get out of his hair. I can feel him moving. Why isn't he asleep yet? I keep picking my fingers, I can't stop, does he notice? Why am I still laying here? Just close your eyes. Maybe if I stay long enough he'll finish and turn over and put his arm around me. No, he won't. He doesn't get it when I'm like this. He's too oblivious to know anything's wrong. Instead he'll just turn over the opposite direction and I'll feel even shittier. Why doesn't he understand body language? I hate it when he turns away from me, even when I'm in an ok mood. We don't have to cuddle our hearts out, but I just want to be acknowledged. More than anything, I just want to be held so I can fall asleep. Why doesn't he touch my face? Why do we live together? Why do we bother talking about moving out east to a cute little historic Virginian town and live in an apartment over a candy shop or something? It makes me feel a part of someone when we talk that way, and sometimes I believe it could happen. But I'm not real. This is a hollow relationship we live in. And as long as there is no love in the picture, this will continue to be hollow. I hate that he always complains that I don't talk. Because he doesn't say shit. And he's so oblivious. I could be murdering someone in the other room and stuff them in the closet, and he wouldn't notice anything until a week later when he thinks there's a weird smell. I don't want to have another emotional moment with him, that's all we ever have when I get this way, but all this shit just builds inside me because I don't know how to act. Once I feel this way, the way we are goes out the window. He'll always tell me he cares for me blah blah when I get this way, but why do I feel alone still? I can't be here. He's still awake and I just can't know what happens when he decides to go to sleep. It won't be in my favor. I need to plug in my computer anyway."
I guess I can sleep on the couch.
Driving from Minnesota to Virginia in winter is not a smart idea, mind you. Also, mind you, I knew this being I am the native Midwesterner, yet for some reason willingly agreed to go into this. And well, once we were in Ohio and out east, things were fine. But all the other times I pretty much wanted to kill myself. Driving in blizzards, ice storms, and sub zero temperatures just isn't on my list of things that keep me calm and I'm still reeling a bit from the stress of last night's final ascent back to Minneapolis.
Things just feel like shit to be honest. We got in at around midnight, and he had to work the next day at 7:30 in the morning so straight to bed. I knew there was gonna be a problem because how do you wind down from a week long excursion with someone when you live with them? Clearly you need your own space, and well, now I'm wishing I would have just had him drop me off at my parents' when we were driving through yesterday. I knew he was gonna be tired when he got back from work, and even when he called me after to ask if I wanted pizza I could tell he wasn't himself and well, I don't know how to deal with that. He comes home, seems very offish, so I keep my distance and feel like I shouldn't be here. He goes to bed at 6 and here I am alone. I figured I'd play a bit of Diablo and then go to bed, but then he woke up at some point and came in and I still didn't know how to act around him. Needless to say, nothing got better as I got more anxious and sick and he wandered off minding his own business.
And now it's past 1am and I'm wide awake because I feel so terrible. It's like.... when I go to bed before him and am out cold by the time he comes in, things are fine. But when I'm still awake and he comes in and turns on the tv and whips out his phone to play games for the next hour, I feel so.... unwanted and useless. Usually if I'm in a good headspace I'll lean on him or something, but today I felt so out of it, so hypersensitive to the idea that we need to be separate that it fucked with the rest of my sanity and rationality of the relationship. This is not uncommon might I add. This is definitely the biggest reason I don't sleep and definitely the biggest hurdle that keeps me from giving in fully to this relationship. I want to say I love you and believe it, but times like this make me question myself and question us. It hurts when I really need him to be there for me or to say something and acknowledge me so I can tell what's going on but instead he just preoccupies himself with his fucking games. He keeps telling me he needs something to do with his hands and to calm his mind down, and like I said, I can usually handle it and for the most part have gotten used to it, but dammit, sometimes I really need you to not do that. Sometimes I really just need you. I become agitated the longer he's awake, which can easily go for an hour or so, and in that agitated time, my mind goes to every bad thought I can possibly imagine.
"I don't belong here. I should have gone home. I'll just go home tomorrow until Saturday maybe. Get out of his hair. I can feel him moving. Why isn't he asleep yet? I keep picking my fingers, I can't stop, does he notice? Why am I still laying here? Just close your eyes. Maybe if I stay long enough he'll finish and turn over and put his arm around me. No, he won't. He doesn't get it when I'm like this. He's too oblivious to know anything's wrong. Instead he'll just turn over the opposite direction and I'll feel even shittier. Why doesn't he understand body language? I hate it when he turns away from me, even when I'm in an ok mood. We don't have to cuddle our hearts out, but I just want to be acknowledged. More than anything, I just want to be held so I can fall asleep. Why doesn't he touch my face? Why do we live together? Why do we bother talking about moving out east to a cute little historic Virginian town and live in an apartment over a candy shop or something? It makes me feel a part of someone when we talk that way, and sometimes I believe it could happen. But I'm not real. This is a hollow relationship we live in. And as long as there is no love in the picture, this will continue to be hollow. I hate that he always complains that I don't talk. Because he doesn't say shit. And he's so oblivious. I could be murdering someone in the other room and stuff them in the closet, and he wouldn't notice anything until a week later when he thinks there's a weird smell. I don't want to have another emotional moment with him, that's all we ever have when I get this way, but all this shit just builds inside me because I don't know how to act. Once I feel this way, the way we are goes out the window. He'll always tell me he cares for me blah blah when I get this way, but why do I feel alone still? I can't be here. He's still awake and I just can't know what happens when he decides to go to sleep. It won't be in my favor. I need to plug in my computer anyway."
I guess I can sleep on the couch.
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