And You Let Her Go

AUUUUGH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE COMES TO BED. I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING REPLACED OR OUTED BY A FUCKING CELL PHONE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO VERBALIZE THIS. I AM SO TIRED OF HIM JUST TURNING OVER AND BEING DONE WITH IT. CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM NOT DONE. I AM NOT DONE WITH THE NIGHT AND I KIND OF NEED YOU BUT WHATEVER RIGHT? YEA, WHATEVER.

So there's that song by Passenger that's all over the place now, "Let Her Go," and at first I didn't pay much attention to it cause, I dunno, I guess I didn't really care. And every once in a while my boyfriend would play it since he has the CD but likes most of the other songs better. But then the other day when I was at my lowest little point (the day after my miserable night on here), it finally popped up on my Pandora and I realized well fuck, this is my theme song. This is what I'm terrified of. And this is the truth.

I don't think he would ever say he loves me now. I don't think he even does. And I don't think he would ever know he loves me until I'm gone. And even then, hey, who knows if that would even happen? But isn't that terrifying? "Only know you love her when you let her go." It's horrifying. It's been 14 months. If it's not there by now, it will never be there. And I don't know what the fuck to do.

My mom tells me to stay because it's a good relationship for most other things: He is respectful and treats me well, kind, so far honest and trustworthy to my knowledge, and (according to so many fucking people) cares about me. But at what point does this become a dead end? At what point do I need to assess what the fuck is actually going on? I can feel so good when we're in the moment and feel like we'll be forever, planning our future out together, where we could move, what jobs we could have, what size dog we'd like, but then it can just drop to rock bottom when the realization comes back that there isn't a solid commitment there. I don't need to be married, I don't think. Not yet, no. But for some reason, those three words would cement things a bit more for me. The problem is, anyone can care for another person and respect them, etc. Roommates do that and are that. And I still feel like a roommate a lot of the time because of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful and thankful that he's this good guy that he is, because he really is... But I'm incredibly emotionally wired and I just don't think he is.

And yea, I know they say guys don't do emotions like girls, and that's probably true, but I think if anyone regardless of gender feels something strongly, it will eventually be said. There are enough men married out there for me to think that at some point they used their emotions to get them there. It seems he's holed up a lot of emotional past that I don't know how to get out of him or what to do with and I'm worried that love just isn't something that will ever be a part of him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up he'll feel betrayed somehow, because he speaks with actions a lot and I don't want to look like I'm not grateful for those things. I am deeply. It's something I didn't expect in a relationship, especially a first one. And I appreciate those things so fucking much and it surprises me and makes me happy every time, but I'm really getting to a point where I need a verbal confirmation because that's how I'm wired. At this point.... I guess I just can't explain it past that.

Definitely getting sick again. I was sick the day after this first horrid fiasco, and it was resolved enough when he figured out how it was upsetting the way he acted that night, so then yesterday should have been better, but instead I was even sicker. Couldn't keep food in me and had a killer migraine that wouldn't go away. While I felt better about us, my body clearly didn't. We had fallen asleep curled in each other and I could actually sleep and then when he got home from work yesterday I was able to entice him with wearing his shirt and everything was good. Except for feeling sick. Woke up today and I wasn't sick at all, could eat, no migraine problems, and cheery. But by the time night hit, and I went to bed, I see that just didn't stick. Sometimes..... For some odd reason, just sometimes this happens and I never feel better. I get too scared to say I need you to hold me or hug me or cuddle me. Usually because my attempts in the past have failed with me getting annoyed looks and noises.

And now all I do is skulk around the apartment, slicing my skin up with my nails and punching myself just to get this aggravation and pain out and I'm so sick of it. And I'm so sick of not getting sleep. I guess yay it's a weekend now, but still, I don't like sleeping til noon or past because I couldn't go to bed at a decent hour. I'm not happy then. And I'm not happy the next day.

And I know exactly how tomorrow will go. I'll wake up first but not really move. Then he'll wake up, grab his phone, check facebook, play a few games, get up and walk out to the computer. Here he'll do more facebook, maybe a game, catch up on all those boredpanda or whatever sites, do his internet work (which is legit and understandable and I can deal with that), throw some clothes on, and then head out the door to go play board games for the rest of the day. And somewhere in there I'll be trying to not slice my skin up or cry, taking a long hot shower blasting my Angsty Anger playlist on Pandora, grab my computer and pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while I'm writhing in pain. Or maybe I won't be able to sit still and I'll try to pretend I'm cleaning the bedroom or bathroom. While still blaring Angsty Anger. And then he'll leave and I'll cry and punch the shit out of myself.

I just remembered, I took four zzquil pills. I think they're kicking in. Slowly but I'm feeling it. Damn, I need to start doping myself up again on things. I miss this feeling.


Only know you love her when you let her go.... 
And you let her go.