Turning Tables

Trick title. Though tables have turned, yes.

Finally for the first time in the almost 15 months of our relationship, I finally yelled at the guy and was assertive. I could no longer stand him not talking back when I tried to open up, even as pathetic it was an attempt. We saw things so fucking differently and that made it hard (as I'm sure I've repeatedly said), but when I've tried to say something and usually say that it's stupid or something on the end of it because I'm trying to cover my feelings up, he would always ignore and completely not acknowledge it, so I would feel even shittier and think that I was indeed right to hate having feelings. And finally, I just told him, "This is where you talk."

And then the small blow up happened where he said "You're just degrading yourself so I have nothing to say to that I don't respond to degrading people." And well, that felt good. But somehow, somewhere in there, an understanding and balance occurred. I don't try to degrade myself for the fun of it, but it's a defense mechanism. And he seems to always be upset (even though I couldn't tell) of my disregard for life. I don't constantly talk about it, but I believe that hey, if I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have life problems. It would be easy then. And big deal, we all know that right? But I guess that upsets him, and this was the first time he ever told me. He's said things that he doesn't "respond" to that kind of behavior and talk, but he would never elaborate or give me anything on how he felt, and last night was the first time I ever actually felt relief. I guess I talk a lot about things ending, because that's the only way I can believe I should see the world and my life and the relationship going, and that wears on him because he doesn't want to think the relationship is going to end. I never wanted it to, you know, but I was always scared that's how he felt and didn't care. But for once, he finally told me.

See, that's all I've wanted, all I've needed for a year. I love you isn't so important, it's just three words, but not hearing anything from his inner self had been the death of me and I thought those words would fix that. No, there are many other words that would fix it more. And I hope this understanding can keep up. I hope I can keep feeling this. Because I've been in so much pain for so long. And I just want to feel good and secure again. To smile freely when I look at him and randomly start dancing with him in the kitchen to The Christmas Waltz and kiss him when I want and laugh and poke at him and have it reciprocated. Those are the good times. They used to happen (off and on more or less if I kept out of my headspace). But I want them more again. I want consistency. I want function. I get I have to yell a bit and be more assertive when I feel like shit. He doesn't know. And I've always known he doesn't know but for some reason I've always wanted to believe he would magically figure it out. And that's stupid and even I know that.

So, here's to turning tables eh? Let's try it.