Start Reflecting

Ok so.... May have had a major panic attack yesterday... Whoops.

Things just got so overwhelming ya know? Feeling the amount of insecurity and pain and seeing all his actions like they're just ignoring me and he doesn't care just tipped me over the edge I guess. I was exactly right about how the morning would go, he woke up, left, I was awake and knew but ignored, he played on his computer, finished work, entertained himself, no checking in on me. And an hour or two later I heard the shower and pretty much just lost it. There was something symbolic about just getting ready to leave without acknowledging this person you're supposed to be in a relationship with that triggered my body into something I've never experienced and couldn't control. All I could do was quickly text a friend about having it, bury myself under the blankets, and try not to pass out from hyperventilating.

He came in the room and I was somehow able to keep as quiet as I could, and I could feel him sit on the bed to put clothes on and then get ready to leave. And then that was the second time I lost it. And finally he fucking figured it out. There was a lot of gibberish and sobbing and hyperventilating as he finally put his arms around me after like a week. I didn't know what to do with that contact and I almost didn't want it. It would be easier if he ignored me so my theory would continue to be true, but that didn't happen. And finally, it was out. "Why do you bother talking about doing things with me in the future when it's just a hollow relationship? What if we're living in a hollow relationship that means nothing? I'm too emotional for you. What if we're not supposed to be together? I mean, we don't even say I love you. I'm scared. I've been scared for a long time. My heart hurts!"

There was no love response. I could see concern in his eyes. I could see him triggered when I said we don't say I love you. He had a visceral reaction, probably because it was unexpected. He constantly tells me to talk about how I feel but never does the same for me. His voice changed, it was more serious, more real. So serious, I had to believe when he said he cared for me deeply. He did his typical explanation of not being connected with his emotions well, the thing that kills me most, and said when I start feeling this way or any way, that I just need to yell at him, be forceful, get it through to him, that he can work with things better that way as opposed to depression panic attacks. That he talks about doing things in the future with me and a future because he wants that. And I guess that was the best way to say this relationship is supposed to be ok and real.

Then my friend suddenly showed up since I hadn't replied to any of her texts and proceeded to take me away from him and we ordered takeout and played Diablo 3. He left anyway because it's that fucking monthly board game weekend so I guess it was good someone was around me. And I did feel better after that. It seemed the air had been cleared and everything, and everything felt kind of in a positive light and when I took her home we discussed the symbolism of these three damn words that I'm so hung up on, and it isn't because I want to hear them. I want the emotion behind it. The true, raw, sincere, meaningful emotion that is supposed to be in those words. And just getting him to say it to say it wouldn't have made anything better. So there is hope, I guess. She gave me a funny scenario that it's gonna be one of our most unexpected and quirky moments when we're in the middle of the hardest level of inferno mode and we'll have just killed Diablo and it will just happen. We'll give each other a look and be like "k" and proceed to play the game again. That is us, we're weird and quirky and anything but conventional I'd like to think.

I'm still really subdued though today. And I'm getting worried I won't be able to talk to him anymore. Just daily conversation and showing normal daily emotions is suddenly hard around him. This was a set back for me, mentally and emotionally (and physically a little), and there are going to be repercussions unfortunately. It also didn't help I tried to start some fun play in bed and he just kinda shot it down. I mean, honestly, no one is that oblivious that when someone puts a hand down his pants he thinks that means nothing? Sigh. Could've used it. Could've helped me. And instead I got "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's get food." To which I finally replied by getting up, throwing on a robe and heading to the kitchen. He tried to do things like grab my butt and stuff but by that point it's like what the fuck is wrong with you? You missed your fucking chance. It was staring you in the face with it's fucking hand down your pants and now you think maybe you'll try something? No, that's not how this works! So I had to ignore him a bit just to try to keep my mind at bay and then well, he was gone again for more board games.

It turns out I probably shouldn't have had a day alone. I've gotten increasingly miserable replaying this morning and yesterday out in my head, I've gone back to believing he just doesn't care, I'm afraid that I won't be able to be around or say or do anything that even slightly references the word love. No more lovey dovey songs that I like or movies like What Dreams May Come, now we have to hiss and spew and avoid the word and only horror movies, terror, evil, coldness, angsty dark, deceit, betrayal, and pain may be consumed. Well, my music history is much more extensive in that area anyway. It's only 8pm and I don't want to do anything with my life. I hate the feeling that I'm just trying to wait up for him because I miss him when I very well know it'll be probably 11 before he gets home. It somewhat kills me he didn't think to skip out early a bit just to spend time with your emotionally sensitive girlfriend and that somehow he thinks things are all completely hunky dory again. No, this is a process. The main part was yesterday, but there are still residual emotions, I'm weak and I still need someone there for me until this process finishes. It's only just begun. There are other thoughts and other concerns and other pain and it's still important to have someone there for reassurance. And I was just left alone.

But, early on I said I would never be the girlfriend that would tell him what he can and cannot do, where he can go, how long he can be there, etc, and I'm still standing by that. Board games are a big passion of his (and not the worst hobby in the world), and he's gotten to know a whole bunch of people now through it since he found these marathons, so enjoy. It'd be pretty selfish to tell him he shouldn't go because me. So instead I'll go to bed. Why not? I won't be able to sleep anyway cuz I so desperately want him to be here, but I guess I'll have to try.

And you let her go.