Well. That relationship is done.
Sigh.
I don't even- I don't- There are just no words I guess. Pain, I can tell you that. Definite pain. And I'm pissed. I'm so angry.
I'm angry that he just gave up. He just shut down and decided to not even bother trying in the relationship when it finally got hard and he could no longer ignore it. Damage had definitely happened in the relationship, if this blog is any indication, but he had me led on that he actually cared and could handle when I was in this depression that I went through. That was a lie. He couldn't and so he shut off emotionally from me. Everything I was feeling and talking about on here? Was legit because he had already started acting that way without even knowing it.
He has reactive attachment disorder. It's a pretty sucky thing that does legitimately cut off emotional understanding in your psyche. I figured this out, put it past him, and he agreed. I looked into adult attachment styles and found there are four different ones- one being an avoidant attachment style. Another insecure. He's an avoidant and I've become insecure. It's the most common but the most dysfunctional and destructive. They said it can be overcome with understanding and work from each party, and it had seemed he was going with that too.
But then a few weeks ago, he drops it on me that he hadn't reattached since our initial "apart time" (which had spurred me on to learning all this stuff about him and us), and that when he figured it out and was trying all it made him do was want to avoid and distance himself from me and that at the moment he no longer wanted to try. I guess I thought that just meant he didn't want to try one facet of the whole thing, but that we were still together and decently ok. A few days later, he clarified that by "not trying" meant he didn't want to try in the relationship period. And then there was no point in me staying. I thought it was just a slow warm up thing, damage was done and it would take time to heal.
I hate that he could just throw this away. That when things got too hard, he was too lazy to bother working on it. That I wasn't worth enough to work this out. He gave up on me when he gave up on this relationship. I saw it as an "us," a "unit," everything I did was for both of us. Everything I felt, everything I thought about, everything. And I thought I'd at least have that in return with him. But instead, when I was hurting, that was when he was walking away mentally. It was no longer our fun and games relationship like when I first moved in because it was now REAL LIFE and he couldn't even bother to handle it.
He was so adamant on having me move in with him. So adamant that it was "the next level in the relationship." And he had us all fooled. We thought this was the next level, and then the next probably getting engaged or heading down that path. And instead, it was just a means to throw me out when I showed unfavorable qualities. I know I talked a lot about feeling bad and such, but it never stopped me from wanting to be in this relationship. I knew there are trials and tribulations, and this (and him) was important and worthy enough for me to stick it out and work on it. Even finding out about the attachment stuff wasn't a big enough deterrent. Nothing was ever too big for me to fight.
And I hate it that he didn't see that. And didn't see me as important like I did. He just gave up and didn't take any of that into consideration. All the time he thought I was just mopey and pathetic, I was thinking about us. I was working out through my head how I could talk to him about what had happened between us or what I felt had happened and do it effectively to fix up the situation. But instead this happened. It's like, I didn't even get a chance to tell my side of the story, especially of the things he attacked me on and didn't like.
And now he has the nerve to say all along that he cares and wants me in his life. He acts like we're some sort of "friends," but doesn't even treat me with consideration that a friend has. I've been staying at my parents' for most of this after this happened and the film festival I was working for finished, but the last time I had to go to the cities and stay there, he couldn't keep away from me. He couldn't keep his hands off me. We joked and laughed and somehow ended up fucking twice in one day.
That's partially me. I wanted to be a "friends with benefits" thing because, well, I like the benefits. And I'm in no place to go out with any new person, even for sex. I tried it right away and I felt like shit. I guess in some ways, I call this "weaning" myself off him, but in the end, I don't know if it'll do any good. I have become more confident in myself, and it tends to show, and I think that makes him all hot and bothered in some ways. I enjoy using it to my advantage, but at the end of the day, I know I can't stay friends in any way or stay in contact with him. He broke me and I hate him for it. I want to scream at him so much and tell him all the ways he hurt me and how pissed off I am because of it. But the fact that I have to go back to that apartment sometimes means I can't tell him off. That would be a terribly worse and awkward situation. It's not that I don't enjoy whatever happens if we happen to be in the same apartment, and I know it's done. I very well know he's done, but I have to put on this front that this is all ok.
And it's not. He plays mind games when he feels like it, sometimes texting me but then ignoring anything I might say back. Or liking a shit ton of my facebook posts or comment on them, but nothing else. Usually just when I've gotten over it. I'm still fighting so many things. And he's literally just gone back to life like he was always living like nothing happened. He has his little "trio" of new board game friends (that happen to be female), and he pretty much spends all his time with them. Especially if I'm at the apartment for a period of time. And I'm working on me. And I know I am LIGHT YEARS further on myself then he will ever be. I don't think he's capable of any serious emotions. I don't think he's even capable of showing them to himself. I think he's so detached from his emotions that he will never get better and be able to better himself for his future and someone else's. He didn't want help. He didn't think he needed it. But being that repressed? You need some fucking help, boy.
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