Why? Because why not really. Because I was left this entire day to myself and somehow I became a bit wonky. And it's strange because I feel slightly high.... But I have had no mind altering substance of any sort. Unless you count leftover sweet and sour chicken. Really good sweet and sour chicken.
I had to find some way to entertain myself, so I guess I just let myself get a little loopy. I had been bumming a bit a while ago about hating coming home and being in an empty apartment when it's supposed to be shared since well, it feels like another person should be there as opposed to living alone where you know you'll come home and be alone and it's ok but I guess I'm working on just getting over that at this point and enjoying it a bit. It turns out it is not the worst thing in the world to know that no one will be around until the wee hours of the morning so you can feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Two hour showers? Yes please. Naps? Sure why not. Play Diablo 3 all day? Go for it! "Forget" to eat? Well who's gonna call you out? Talk to yourself and start up your inner monologues again? Well it's about time!
So needless to say, this is what my day consisted of. I'm slowly working on getting over him always being gone weekends (so it seems). It is always a bit unfortunate because weekends are really when I want to indulge in being a couple, but free will is incredibly important to me and if he wants to play board games with the guys, he can play board games with the guys. Besides, I've forgotten how to be independent so I guess I need this time away. And also besides I will be leaving for a week. For my birthday. And if that isn't the biggest burn, then I don't know what is.
Yea, maybe he'd want to spend my birthday with me, but you know what? At this point, you don't deserve to. I'd rather be at home with my family enjoying my time where I feel most accepted. I just feel like in some ways he needs to be without me for some time. Think he forgets who I am, that I should be important. I'm always just here right now and well blah, ya know? So I need to be gone. On a "special" day to top it off. Then you'll know how it feels when something important happens and you don't get to be a part of it.
Or like tonight when I thought it might be nice to shave and make myself all smooth and clean and smelling good and put on a cute little neglige with cute lace panties *just in case* he came home at a decent hour and more or less just for me (no reason we can't feel good in these things for ourselves ladies), and instead ended up beating Diablo for about the 7th time I think at this point and was right in the middle of the battle when he came home at around 12:30. Didn't have much to say to him at this point and I was already kind of in loopy land enjoying myself and entertaining myself with my off hand comments to myself about Diablo (especially how he says "terROR" I love it), that I barely paid attention when he sat down beside me and eventually he just left and went to bed.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS. NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED LIKE YOU WISH. TO BE A LITTLE LEAD ON AND THEN SHOT DOWN. TO BE IGNORED BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS IGNORING YOU FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS A FUCKING GAME. THERE. ENJOY IT BITCH.
Hm. This isn't so much about insecurities anymore is it? Or actually, I guess it kind of is.... Anyways, I only decided to write because I discovered I was wide awake when I went to bed and he wasn't really paying attention or caring I existed. And I was still discovering I felt kinda sorta wonky. Well, to be fair, I don't eat that much anymore. I'm not trying to starve myself actively like I have in the past, I just physically can't eat that much. And I suppose that has to do with all the light headedness which is probably what makes me feel wonky and high. It's not the worst thing in the world and as long as I don't do strenuous activity, hey, seems totally safe. Besides, I've gotten fat and I need to get some of that off. This is a little slow, but I'll get there. All right, well, I'm gonna try to go back to bed.
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