Baby's First Road Trip

And by baby I mean me. And maybe not technically my first road trip, but definitely my longest and most challenging... And my first one with him.

Driving from Minnesota to Virginia in winter is not a smart idea, mind you. Also, mind you, I knew this being I am the native Midwesterner, yet for some reason willingly agreed to go into this. And well, once we were in Ohio and out east, things were fine. But all the other times I pretty much wanted to kill myself. Driving in blizzards, ice storms, and sub zero temperatures just isn't on my list of things that keep me calm and I'm still reeling a bit from the stress of last night's final ascent back to Minneapolis.

Things just feel like shit to be honest. We got in at around midnight, and he had to work the next day at 7:30 in the morning so straight to bed. I knew there was gonna be a problem because how do you wind down from a week long excursion with someone when you live with them? Clearly you need your own space, and well, now I'm wishing I would have just had him drop me off at my parents' when we were driving through yesterday. I knew he was gonna be tired when he got back from work, and even when he called me after to ask if I wanted pizza I could tell he wasn't himself and well, I don't know how to deal with that. He comes home, seems very offish, so I keep my distance and feel like I shouldn't be here. He goes to bed at 6 and here I am alone. I figured I'd play a bit of Diablo and then go to bed, but then he woke up at some point and came in and I still didn't know how to act around him. Needless to say, nothing got better as I got more anxious and sick and he wandered off minding his own business.

And now it's past 1am and I'm wide awake because I feel so terrible. It's like.... when I go to bed before him and am out cold by the time he comes in, things are fine. But when I'm still awake and he comes in and turns on the tv and whips out his phone to play games for the next hour, I feel so.... unwanted and useless. Usually if I'm in a good headspace I'll lean on him or something, but today I felt so out of it, so hypersensitive to the idea that we need to be separate that it fucked with the rest of my sanity and rationality of the relationship. This is not uncommon might I add. This is definitely the biggest reason I don't sleep and definitely the biggest hurdle that keeps me from giving in fully to this relationship. I want to say I love you and believe it, but times like this make me question myself and question us. It hurts when I really need him to be there for me or to say something and acknowledge me so I can tell what's going on but instead he just preoccupies himself with his fucking games. He keeps telling me he needs something to do with his hands and to calm his mind down, and like I said, I can usually handle it and for the most part have gotten used to it, but dammit, sometimes I really need you to not do that. Sometimes I really just need you. I become agitated the longer he's awake, which can easily go for an hour or so, and in that agitated time, my mind goes to every bad thought I can possibly imagine.

"I don't belong here. I should have gone home. I'll just go home tomorrow until Saturday maybe. Get out of his hair. I can feel him moving. Why isn't he asleep yet? I keep picking my fingers, I can't stop, does he notice? Why am I still laying here? Just close your eyes. Maybe if I stay long enough he'll finish and turn over and put his arm around me. No, he won't. He doesn't get it when I'm like this. He's too oblivious to know anything's wrong. Instead he'll just turn over the opposite direction and I'll feel even shittier. Why doesn't he understand body language? I hate it when he turns away from me, even when I'm in an ok mood. We don't have to cuddle our hearts out, but I just want to be acknowledged. More than anything, I just want to be held so I can fall asleep. Why doesn't he touch my face? Why do we live together? Why do we bother talking about moving out east to a cute little historic Virginian town and live in an apartment over a candy shop or something? It makes me feel a part of someone when we talk that way, and sometimes I believe it could happen. But I'm not real. This is a hollow relationship we live in. And as long as there is no love in the picture, this will continue to be hollow. I hate that he always complains that I don't talk. Because he doesn't say shit. And he's so oblivious. I could be murdering someone in the other room and stuff them in the closet, and he wouldn't notice anything until a week later when he thinks there's a weird smell. I don't want to have another emotional moment with him, that's all we ever have when I get this way, but all this shit just builds inside me because I don't know how to act. Once I feel this way, the way we are goes out the window. He'll always tell me he cares for me blah blah when I get this way, but why do I feel alone still? I can't be here. He's still awake and I just can't know what happens when he decides to go to sleep. It won't be in my favor. I need to plug in my computer anyway."

I guess I can sleep on the couch.