So tomorrow is my birthday. Ok, well, technically I guess it's today since it's 2 AM. But I really won't count it until I have gone to sleep and woken up again. It's a really screwed up birthday (as every birthday/holiday in the past 3 years have been) because I've been schlepping all my stuff from my apartment back home because yay, I no longer have an apartment in a city! I get to live back in the middle of nowhere as a townie. So not ok. But it's the fucking tree's fault. Had it not tried to kill me and broken my leg, I would have been working the past 5 months so I could afford to stay in the cities. Is that an excuse? It sounds like one. But it's also a true statement. But it's still frustrating.
Well anyways, I really have this hankering to go out for my birthday. Dress up all flashy and glittery like a city girl and go with a group of friends and have the time of my life. I've never been the kind to go out to bars to celebrate anything, you must realize. I'm really not into the drunken whore lifestyle that is pretty much a bargoer. I just want to go out so I can pretend to be someone else. The only other time I pulled it off so flawlessly, it was just so much fun. I'm just dying to go out there and make up a backstory for myself, give myself a new personality, and just go have fun. I don't give a damn about the people I lie to. I'll never see them again. If they're hanging out at bars they're probably scum anyways so they deserve being lied to.
And this is what I discovered: I love lying. I'm sure hoping it won't become one of those compulsive things like on Girl, Interrupted because well then I have to go to a nut house. And I don't just tell lies to lie. I just like lying about myself. I like pretending to be someone else. I hate who I am and every personality I come up with in my head is just so much better than reality. And I figure, now that I'm back to this pathetic place, I *should* go out more and pretend I'm a real city girl. That I'm classier than this country scum and I'm only here because I'm on "hiatus" from the cities. I could even say I grew up there and everything. No one needs to know the truth. I don't care about them enough to get past that initial first impression talk. I just want to be someone else. And I want to go back to the cities. Right before I left, a screenwriting classmate told me he would have never known I was from the country and that I looked like a city girl all along. I want to try that out.
Oh, I don't know if I hate the country. I hate hicks and rednecks, but who doesn't? I think there's more to life than blue collar comedy and the Red and Green Show anyways. It's true, us country girls are tough. We like to get dirty, not afraid of bugs and snakes, don't care about breaking nails, will climb onto the bed of any pickup truck when packing it up, and those are some great qualities that any female should have if she wants to be taken seriously. But I don't fit in in the country. The small town life I've never worked well with. I just have different interests than what is here and therefore I tend to have a solitary lifestyle when I live here. A lot of the time I've learned that if it wasn't for internet forums about certain non mainstream interests, I wouldn't have many people to talk to. Can I help it if the people who share some of them happen to live in Germany or the Philippines? That's just the way my life has always been. I'm unique. I don't fit here. So I think I'd just rather lie about who I am until I leave. For other people, and myself.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
3rd Monday After New Years
So briefly on the news they mentioned something that today is supposed to be the saddest day of the year. So I quick googled it and apparently the third Monday after New Years IS supposed to be the saddest day of the year. I'm not in the mood to continue reading, but that was that. Huh, maybe that means I do feel depressed today if I'm not in the mood...Lol
Um, I never updated about New Year's Eve. It was good. Ok, driving on black ice for 30ish minutes at 30 mph not so good and then coming upon what apparently turned out to be a huge 7 car pile up on the bridge above (which was actually cool at the time). So by that time, I just wanted to get to my friends' so we could play games and have Captain and cokes and other random drinks. And we did. And it was fun. I was lucid but still blissfully ignorant and dang, I miss that feeling when I'm.... Normal.
Dangerous? Most likely. I don't know what's happened to me that I can't be *happy* when I'm "normal." I think I get too aware of my surroundings and then I don't want to talk in case I say something stupid and I get acutely aware that I don't know the people I'm around very well so I don't want to talk since I wouldn't know what to say. And when I don't know what to do, I shut down and look like a wall and no one sees what I'm really like. I don't actually change if I'm drinking an adult beverage, I just finally have a chance to show myself. And I don't quite get why all my friends' bodies are beginning to get intolerant of alcohol and mine is having no problem whatsoever. It's like backwards for me.
I recently came to the conclusion that humans have an innate desire to be accepted in a community. It doesn't have to be like an actual town kind of community, but just a place to share something in common and feel understood. Sometimes you think the person's community of choice is downright stupid or foolish, but you can't talk and you can't judge because you feel the same desire for connection. You may not be interested in what they've chosen, but you have no place to talk, because you need that connection just as much as them. I'm guilty of making fun of what people chose to be a part of and I feel sorry about it because I'm feeling the sting of judgment myself. It's terrible. I never actually said anything to this person, but it doesn't change the fact that I've thought it and made fun of it and talked about it with other people. I'm very sorry. It's not my cup of tea, but it's ok. I understand where you are coming from and what you need. I need it too. I want to think I found it, but I get a lot of conflicting messages about it. More fighting I guess. We never get to stop.
Um, I never updated about New Year's Eve. It was good. Ok, driving on black ice for 30ish minutes at 30 mph not so good and then coming upon what apparently turned out to be a huge 7 car pile up on the bridge above (which was actually cool at the time). So by that time, I just wanted to get to my friends' so we could play games and have Captain and cokes and other random drinks. And we did. And it was fun. I was lucid but still blissfully ignorant and dang, I miss that feeling when I'm.... Normal.
Dangerous? Most likely. I don't know what's happened to me that I can't be *happy* when I'm "normal." I think I get too aware of my surroundings and then I don't want to talk in case I say something stupid and I get acutely aware that I don't know the people I'm around very well so I don't want to talk since I wouldn't know what to say. And when I don't know what to do, I shut down and look like a wall and no one sees what I'm really like. I don't actually change if I'm drinking an adult beverage, I just finally have a chance to show myself. And I don't quite get why all my friends' bodies are beginning to get intolerant of alcohol and mine is having no problem whatsoever. It's like backwards for me.
I recently came to the conclusion that humans have an innate desire to be accepted in a community. It doesn't have to be like an actual town kind of community, but just a place to share something in common and feel understood. Sometimes you think the person's community of choice is downright stupid or foolish, but you can't talk and you can't judge because you feel the same desire for connection. You may not be interested in what they've chosen, but you have no place to talk, because you need that connection just as much as them. I'm guilty of making fun of what people chose to be a part of and I feel sorry about it because I'm feeling the sting of judgment myself. It's terrible. I never actually said anything to this person, but it doesn't change the fact that I've thought it and made fun of it and talked about it with other people. I'm very sorry. It's not my cup of tea, but it's ok. I understand where you are coming from and what you need. I need it too. I want to think I found it, but I get a lot of conflicting messages about it. More fighting I guess. We never get to stop.
Monday, January 3, 2011
21 Guns
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away?
And you feel yourself suffocating.
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.
When you're at the end of the road,
And you've lost all sense of control.
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass.
And the hangover doesn't pass.
Nothing's ever built to last.
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burnt down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness
From a stone?
When it's time to live and let die,
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died.
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky
You and I.
Credit goes to Greenday and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of American Idiot.
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away?
And you feel yourself suffocating.
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.
When you're at the end of the road,
And you've lost all sense of control.
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass.
And the hangover doesn't pass.
Nothing's ever built to last.
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burnt down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness
From a stone?
When it's time to live and let die,
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died.
You're in ruins.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky
You and I.
Credit goes to Greenday and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of American Idiot.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Feels Like....
I'll post a better update later. But tonight, I just wanted to say this one short thing:
I feel like Linda Salerno.
And my birthday is coming up.
And I happen to know exactly where that bridge is that she was on.
I feel like Linda Salerno.
And my birthday is coming up.
And I happen to know exactly where that bridge is that she was on.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Eve Eve
Well this turned out to be a more eventful day than I would've liked. It was bad enough I woke up with a headache that no matter how much excederin I took, wouldn't go away. Got sent out with my dad for last minute gifts my mom wanted and got sick. Well, not like throw up everywhere, but incredibly queasy and weak and shaky. I was just about ready to drop when we got a call from my mom saying my grandma was being rushed into the ER because she couldn't breathe and was having chest pains. Then later found out my cousin who is overdue was going to the same hospital to get induced into labor. So after all that news, supper time. Ate about half a chicken tender and 3 french fries at Culvers. Felt pretty dang bad.
You see, I'm big into tradition and family. This idea really hurt, really wore on me. It was bad enough four years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital. It was the first event that put all these screwed up Christmases into motion. And now, needless to say, my cousin will definitely not be celebrating with us and I don't know about her mom. And my grandma? No idea. Christmas Eves have been dwindling down steadily the past few years and it just kills me. And is probably the reason I still feel like I could throw up.
Also started thinking how I was sick HOURS before I heard the bad news, and that this has actually happened before. One time I got so sick if I wasn't curled in bed with eyes closed I would practically collapse. And that night my friend was in a car accident. I was three hours away from her. I didn't even know it happened, but it happened the same time I felt so sick. And this has happened before. Is this possible I can sense things? Especially with people I'm close to?
I feel like there is something different about me. But then I feel stupid to bring anything up. I can't really tell this to anyone. They all just scoff and laugh at me. I try to rationalize it somehow with maybe a gift God gave me. But I can't even say that to a Christian. Such a high rate of skeptics, and usually for good reason. But what happens when you really personally feel differently? And what happens when you really can't find an identity other than "maybe God has a different plan for me and that I'm special" but then face it, that's a load of crap isn't it? I just so desperately desire to be different in hopes I'll feel like I'll understand myself then. And no one wants to talk to you when you speak that way. Even if you try to keep it on a tangent of faith, they still just laugh. Man. Can't talk to anyone.
Probably why I'm so invested in facebook and twitter. Maybe I get a little too into it and made fun of because I can't get enough of "connecting" on my phone or computer. It's nice people are secure enough that they feel like they don't need to be in a community. But I probably tweet about Kristin Chenoweth too much because I just want to feel like I belong. Even if it is among the crazy Cheno fangirls. And she speaks so nicely of her fans, her "twitter family." I just want to feel like I'm a part of that family.
I don't want tomorrow. I don't want Christmas. I couldn't even do my usual Christmas shopping for my family and I hate it. Nothing is right. I want all this to be over. I want the norm again.
You see, I'm big into tradition and family. This idea really hurt, really wore on me. It was bad enough four years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital. It was the first event that put all these screwed up Christmases into motion. And now, needless to say, my cousin will definitely not be celebrating with us and I don't know about her mom. And my grandma? No idea. Christmas Eves have been dwindling down steadily the past few years and it just kills me. And is probably the reason I still feel like I could throw up.
Also started thinking how I was sick HOURS before I heard the bad news, and that this has actually happened before. One time I got so sick if I wasn't curled in bed with eyes closed I would practically collapse. And that night my friend was in a car accident. I was three hours away from her. I didn't even know it happened, but it happened the same time I felt so sick. And this has happened before. Is this possible I can sense things? Especially with people I'm close to?
I feel like there is something different about me. But then I feel stupid to bring anything up. I can't really tell this to anyone. They all just scoff and laugh at me. I try to rationalize it somehow with maybe a gift God gave me. But I can't even say that to a Christian. Such a high rate of skeptics, and usually for good reason. But what happens when you really personally feel differently? And what happens when you really can't find an identity other than "maybe God has a different plan for me and that I'm special" but then face it, that's a load of crap isn't it? I just so desperately desire to be different in hopes I'll feel like I'll understand myself then. And no one wants to talk to you when you speak that way. Even if you try to keep it on a tangent of faith, they still just laugh. Man. Can't talk to anyone.
Probably why I'm so invested in facebook and twitter. Maybe I get a little too into it and made fun of because I can't get enough of "connecting" on my phone or computer. It's nice people are secure enough that they feel like they don't need to be in a community. But I probably tweet about Kristin Chenoweth too much because I just want to feel like I belong. Even if it is among the crazy Cheno fangirls. And she speaks so nicely of her fans, her "twitter family." I just want to feel like I'm a part of that family.
I don't want tomorrow. I don't want Christmas. I couldn't even do my usual Christmas shopping for my family and I hate it. Nothing is right. I want all this to be over. I want the norm again.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Anti-Nephilim
So I told my dad about my possession dreams. He wrote them off as "just dreams" at first until I told him how violent they were and that the devil has been there and actually told me to come fly with him. May possibly be the most serious I've ever seen my dad's face. And then he said "I wonder why he would be so afraid of you." That took me back. Cause he's exactly right, why would the devil be afraid of me?
So thanks to my screenplay I'm writing for class, I'm delving into the spiritual warfare side of things (which has always been a favorite topic of mine anyway), and my dad is helping me out whatever way he can. So he brought me upon the terms Nephilim, Emim, Rephaim, and Anakim which I feel like I should've known about for a while but being the bad Christian I am, of COURSE I wouldn't know ANYTHING from the Bible. Anyways. I took to this Nephilim thing quickly. In my mind it clicked perfectly. And I realized that was because I've always been able to sense the Nephilim of the here and now.
Oh, Nephilim (if you don't wanna look it up): Essentially demons. Fallen angels like Lucifer that have affected gene pools to try to stop God's prophecies. Genesis 6:4 and Numbers 13: 33. Supposedly the races (Emim, Rephaim, Anakim) were exterminated way back in Old Testament time, but since these are demonic forces at the root of them and well, they can't really be exterminated, there could be a possibility they're getting stronger again for another war.
Anyway, my entire life I've always been incredibly hyper sensitive to the spiritual presence and nature behind everything, from why a person doesn't signal to change lanes to political choices and in between, I feel the spiritual undertow at work. And this presence never had a name before to me, but Nephilim sums it up perfectly.
And I started thinking back to everything: Why was I so attracted to the supernatural and paranormal since I was incredibly young? I didn't get that from this household. Why do I have such a deep desire to be so close in my faith and relationship with God but I don't fit into the actual human community of a church? Why do I feel and see forces that are not of this world? Why do I act and feel more erratically when an injustice occurs? Why in my dreams am I being fought over? And why would someone jump to the conclusion that I was a threat to the devil?
After telling my dad that in these possession dreams, I've been thrown into walls and ceilings, felt something inside me take my body over, seen and been tempted by the devil, and woken up screaming God's name and that when I'm alone in my apartment I'm sometimes afraid to go to sleep because there is no one around to help me, he assured me that only people of strong spiritual faith would have something like this happen to them, and that the devil can't hurt me, only scare me. And even Jesus was tempted and attacked.
So I came to the conclusion, that maybe I am something important. Maybe I'm an "anti-Nephilim" of sorts. I can see it, discern it, weed it out even when the earthly part of it looks pretty. And I've had such an identity problem even as I'm supposed to have matured as an adult. How is it that I can be so strong and convicted but not get along with anyone who is supposed to be just like me? Hah, maybe I don't live completely in the real world. Because there is more to this world than our reality. And call me fucking crazy or stupid or psycho Christian or whatever, but maybe I am something more than this worthless human being. And maybe my genes aren't affected, but something is different with me. I really am just a little different than everyone else. Or maybe I am a lunatic. But if I am one, I'm giving myself the title of Anti-Nephilim.
So thanks to my screenplay I'm writing for class, I'm delving into the spiritual warfare side of things (which has always been a favorite topic of mine anyway), and my dad is helping me out whatever way he can. So he brought me upon the terms Nephilim, Emim, Rephaim, and Anakim which I feel like I should've known about for a while but being the bad Christian I am, of COURSE I wouldn't know ANYTHING from the Bible. Anyways. I took to this Nephilim thing quickly. In my mind it clicked perfectly. And I realized that was because I've always been able to sense the Nephilim of the here and now.
Oh, Nephilim (if you don't wanna look it up): Essentially demons. Fallen angels like Lucifer that have affected gene pools to try to stop God's prophecies. Genesis 6:4 and Numbers 13: 33. Supposedly the races (Emim, Rephaim, Anakim) were exterminated way back in Old Testament time, but since these are demonic forces at the root of them and well, they can't really be exterminated, there could be a possibility they're getting stronger again for another war.
Anyway, my entire life I've always been incredibly hyper sensitive to the spiritual presence and nature behind everything, from why a person doesn't signal to change lanes to political choices and in between, I feel the spiritual undertow at work. And this presence never had a name before to me, but Nephilim sums it up perfectly.
And I started thinking back to everything: Why was I so attracted to the supernatural and paranormal since I was incredibly young? I didn't get that from this household. Why do I have such a deep desire to be so close in my faith and relationship with God but I don't fit into the actual human community of a church? Why do I feel and see forces that are not of this world? Why do I act and feel more erratically when an injustice occurs? Why in my dreams am I being fought over? And why would someone jump to the conclusion that I was a threat to the devil?
After telling my dad that in these possession dreams, I've been thrown into walls and ceilings, felt something inside me take my body over, seen and been tempted by the devil, and woken up screaming God's name and that when I'm alone in my apartment I'm sometimes afraid to go to sleep because there is no one around to help me, he assured me that only people of strong spiritual faith would have something like this happen to them, and that the devil can't hurt me, only scare me. And even Jesus was tempted and attacked.
So I came to the conclusion, that maybe I am something important. Maybe I'm an "anti-Nephilim" of sorts. I can see it, discern it, weed it out even when the earthly part of it looks pretty. And I've had such an identity problem even as I'm supposed to have matured as an adult. How is it that I can be so strong and convicted but not get along with anyone who is supposed to be just like me? Hah, maybe I don't live completely in the real world. Because there is more to this world than our reality. And call me fucking crazy or stupid or psycho Christian or whatever, but maybe I am something more than this worthless human being. And maybe my genes aren't affected, but something is different with me. I really am just a little different than everyone else. Or maybe I am a lunatic. But if I am one, I'm giving myself the title of Anti-Nephilim.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Just to Say...
I can't do things like other people. They don't understand that. And they just get mad at me.
I have dreams weekly that I'm being possessed. I'm afraid that they aren't dreams sometimes. And I'm certain they mean business. Do you know what that must feel like?
I see the sadder side of people, the side of hurt. I'm keyed in on that. Sensitive to it. I think it's beautiful. For some reason, it can be nice to be reminded that everyone is broken. And if they tell you they aren't, they're lying.
"There are no extras in life, only key players." --Synechdoche, New York
I really want to apologize for how emo I am. Except I don't know who to apologize to. I get upset thinking I upset my family but then that just makes the emo worse and nothing gets resolved.
Well. That's all.
I have dreams weekly that I'm being possessed. I'm afraid that they aren't dreams sometimes. And I'm certain they mean business. Do you know what that must feel like?
I see the sadder side of people, the side of hurt. I'm keyed in on that. Sensitive to it. I think it's beautiful. For some reason, it can be nice to be reminded that everyone is broken. And if they tell you they aren't, they're lying.
"There are no extras in life, only key players." --Synechdoche, New York
I really want to apologize for how emo I am. Except I don't know who to apologize to. I get upset thinking I upset my family but then that just makes the emo worse and nothing gets resolved.
Well. That's all.
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