Birthdays

So tomorrow is my birthday. Ok, well, technically I guess it's today since it's 2 AM. But I really won't count it until I have gone to sleep and woken up again. It's a really screwed up birthday (as every birthday/holiday in the past 3 years have been) because I've been schlepping all my stuff from my apartment back home because yay, I no longer have an apartment in a city! I get to live back in the middle of nowhere as a townie. So not ok. But it's the fucking tree's fault. Had it not tried to kill me and broken my leg, I would have been working the past 5 months so I could afford to stay in the cities. Is that an excuse? It sounds like one. But it's also a true statement. But it's still frustrating.

Well anyways, I really have this hankering to go out for my birthday. Dress up all flashy and glittery like a city girl and go with a group of friends and have the time of my life. I've never been the kind to go out to bars to celebrate anything, you must realize. I'm really not into the drunken whore lifestyle that is pretty much a bargoer. I just want to go out so I can pretend to be someone else. The only other time I pulled it off so flawlessly, it was just so much fun. I'm just dying to go out there and make up a backstory for myself, give myself a new personality, and just go have fun. I don't give a damn about the people I lie to. I'll never see them again. If they're hanging out at bars they're probably scum anyways so they deserve being lied to.

And this is what I discovered: I love lying. I'm sure hoping it won't become one of those compulsive things like on Girl, Interrupted because well then I have to go to a nut house. And I don't just tell lies to lie. I just like lying about myself. I like pretending to be someone else. I hate who I am and every personality I come up with in my head is just so much better than reality. And I figure, now that I'm back to this pathetic place, I *should* go out more and pretend I'm a real city girl. That I'm classier than this country scum and I'm only here because I'm on "hiatus" from the cities. I could even say I grew up there and everything. No one needs to know the truth. I don't care about them enough to get past that initial first impression talk. I just want to be someone else. And I want to go back to the cities. Right before I left, a screenwriting classmate told me he would have never known I was from the country and that I looked like a city girl all along. I want to try that out.

Oh, I don't know if I hate the country. I hate hicks and rednecks, but who doesn't? I think there's more to life than blue collar comedy and the Red and Green Show anyways. It's true, us country girls are tough. We like to get dirty, not afraid of bugs and snakes, don't care about breaking nails, will climb onto the bed of any pickup truck when packing it up, and those are some great qualities that any female should have if she wants to be taken seriously. But I don't fit in in the country. The small town life I've never worked well with. I just have different interests than what is here and therefore I tend to have a solitary lifestyle when I live here. A lot of the time I've learned that if it wasn't for internet forums about certain non mainstream interests, I wouldn't have many people to talk to. Can I help it if the people who share some of them happen to live in Germany or the Philippines? That's just the way my life has always been. I'm unique. I don't fit here. So I think I'd just rather lie about who I am until I leave. For other people, and myself.