Well this turned out to be a more eventful day than I would've liked. It was bad enough I woke up with a headache that no matter how much excederin I took, wouldn't go away. Got sent out with my dad for last minute gifts my mom wanted and got sick. Well, not like throw up everywhere, but incredibly queasy and weak and shaky. I was just about ready to drop when we got a call from my mom saying my grandma was being rushed into the ER because she couldn't breathe and was having chest pains. Then later found out my cousin who is overdue was going to the same hospital to get induced into labor. So after all that news, supper time. Ate about half a chicken tender and 3 french fries at Culvers. Felt pretty dang bad.
You see, I'm big into tradition and family. This idea really hurt, really wore on me. It was bad enough four years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital. It was the first event that put all these screwed up Christmases into motion. And now, needless to say, my cousin will definitely not be celebrating with us and I don't know about her mom. And my grandma? No idea. Christmas Eves have been dwindling down steadily the past few years and it just kills me. And is probably the reason I still feel like I could throw up.
Also started thinking how I was sick HOURS before I heard the bad news, and that this has actually happened before. One time I got so sick if I wasn't curled in bed with eyes closed I would practically collapse. And that night my friend was in a car accident. I was three hours away from her. I didn't even know it happened, but it happened the same time I felt so sick. And this has happened before. Is this possible I can sense things? Especially with people I'm close to?
I feel like there is something different about me. But then I feel stupid to bring anything up. I can't really tell this to anyone. They all just scoff and laugh at me. I try to rationalize it somehow with maybe a gift God gave me. But I can't even say that to a Christian. Such a high rate of skeptics, and usually for good reason. But what happens when you really personally feel differently? And what happens when you really can't find an identity other than "maybe God has a different plan for me and that I'm special" but then face it, that's a load of crap isn't it? I just so desperately desire to be different in hopes I'll feel like I'll understand myself then. And no one wants to talk to you when you speak that way. Even if you try to keep it on a tangent of faith, they still just laugh. Man. Can't talk to anyone.
Probably why I'm so invested in facebook and twitter. Maybe I get a little too into it and made fun of because I can't get enough of "connecting" on my phone or computer. It's nice people are secure enough that they feel like they don't need to be in a community. But I probably tweet about Kristin Chenoweth too much because I just want to feel like I belong. Even if it is among the crazy Cheno fangirls. And she speaks so nicely of her fans, her "twitter family." I just want to feel like I'm a part of that family.
I don't want tomorrow. I don't want Christmas. I couldn't even do my usual Christmas shopping for my family and I hate it. Nothing is right. I want all this to be over. I want the norm again.
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