3rd Monday After New Years

So briefly on the news they mentioned something that today is supposed to be the saddest day of the year. So I quick googled it and apparently the third Monday after New Years IS supposed to be the saddest day of the year. I'm not in the mood to continue reading, but that was that. Huh, maybe that means I do feel depressed today if I'm not in the mood...Lol

Um, I never updated about New Year's Eve. It was good. Ok, driving on black ice for 30ish minutes at 30 mph not so good and then coming upon what apparently turned out to be a huge 7 car pile up on the bridge above (which was actually cool at the time). So by that time, I just wanted to get to my friends' so we could play games and have Captain and cokes and other random drinks. And we did. And it was fun. I was lucid but still blissfully ignorant and dang, I miss that feeling when I'm.... Normal.

Dangerous? Most likely. I don't know what's happened to me that I can't be *happy* when I'm "normal." I think I get too aware of my surroundings and then I don't want to talk in case I say something stupid and I get acutely aware that I don't know the people I'm around very well so I don't want to talk since I wouldn't know what to say. And when I don't know what to do, I shut down and look like a wall and no one sees what I'm really like. I don't actually change if I'm drinking an adult beverage, I just finally have a chance to show myself. And I don't quite get why all my friends' bodies are beginning to get intolerant of alcohol and mine is having no problem whatsoever. It's like backwards for me.

I recently came to the conclusion that humans have an innate desire to be accepted in a community. It doesn't have to be like an actual town kind of community, but just a place to share something in common and feel understood. Sometimes you think the person's community of choice is downright stupid or foolish, but you can't talk and you can't judge because you feel the same desire for connection. You may not be interested in what they've chosen, but you have no place to talk, because you need that connection just as much as them. I'm guilty of making fun of what people chose to be a part of and I feel sorry about it because I'm feeling the sting of judgment myself. It's terrible. I never actually said anything to this person, but it doesn't change the fact that I've thought it and made fun of it and talked about it with other people. I'm very sorry. It's not my cup of tea, but it's ok. I understand where you are coming from and what you need. I need it too. I want to think I found it, but I get a lot of conflicting messages about it. More fighting I guess. We never get to stop.