People are Really Bad

This isn't an overstatement and this isn't an exaggeration. Have you ever watched those shows like "Most Shocking Dangerous Drivers" or "World's Wildest Police Videos?" Have you seen some of the carnage that those people do to other people because of their insolent, inconsiderate, and quite frankly evil behavior? People are really bad, ya'll. Humans, we're horrible. Between the sociopathic murderers and the drunk driving assholes, we don't have a chance. Ya know we're damned right? We should be. We have no redemption qualities at all.

Like a speeding semi asshole in the middle of rush hour on Long Island who floors it through three lanes of traffic and pins a car between him and a bus that is nothing left but twisted metal in the end. Why would someone do that? What in a person's mind thinks that's ok?

That's the scary thing you know that? The scary thing is that people don't have a sense of right or wrong. There are too many of them, they hurt people, they kill people and I wish they weren't on this earth. I wish we were all dead and that the dolphins were the most intellectual creatures on this earth. Actually, quite honestly, I'm pretty sure they already are.

I really just want to ask, why do you do it? You're caught on camera doing something criminal and fatal to other human beings and in the setting it's clear it was completely uncalled for and doesn't make sense. I'm not ok with "I wasn't paying attention, thought I was fine." That is not an acceptable answer you know. Things aren't about you and you should NEVER think that just YOU are FINE. YOU are an ASS. YOU deserve to be BEHIND BARS. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and if you are not aware of who and what is around you, you should not be here.

I'm always afraid when I'm driving on highways, or anywhere really. I'm convinced that dumbass semi that is speeding way over the speed limit and trying to pass me on black ice is going to kill me. In fact, just yesterday and ass semi driver almost turned left ON TOP of me when I was waiting at a stop light. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of living on this planet a lot of the time because humans are too unpredictable and will hurt other humans whether it was "on purpose" or not. I have a 2 hour drive when I'm in my apartment to go back home, and I practically cry sometimes thinking about with what our winter weather conditions will be and the kind of douchebags that will be on the road that I don't even want to get out of my apartment. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed.

God, why did You choose humans? Why did You forgive them? They aren't good, they are terrible. They're a damned and condemned race and they deserve every bit of that damnation. Why would You accept them? I hurt just thinking about how these people that don't deserve You get Your acceptance. I don't deserve you either. I don't kill and I'm always aware of the thousands of other people around me wherever I go, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm terrible and damned as well. I know that, and I know I deserve being damned and I can deal with it. It would suck, yes, but without You I'd still be able to deal with the fact that when I die I'm going to be tortured for eternity cuz yes, I deserve it.

Maybe this sounds like an exaggeration, and it's true not a lot of people understand the extreme depths of my mind. I know it's extreme, but that's part of the way my mind works. Every type of personality disorder deals with the fact the person sees things strongly and in right or wrong fashion. If people want to lock me up, well, I wish they would. I might feel safe in a padded white room.

I just don't understand. People are bad.

Decision

I've randomly decided that if anyone can't see past the cold safety shell/attitude that I make for myself to find the real vulnerable and gentle soul that is inside, then they don't deserve ever getting to know me. Outer appearances still only mean everything, don't they? And you triple threat girls prove that. I'm as good as you. But I'm not going to whore my happiness out to every person I see. It's mine and it's special and those who are special in my life deserve to be a part of it and enjoy it. Stop taking things you triple threat whores.


Right, back to homework.

Ignorant State of Bliss

Is it possible that self-medication can be ok? I mean, medication implies fixing. You need medicine when you're sick and it's not always something as simple as a cold. So if you understand it, why can't you self-medicate? I mean, what is the difference of numbing your pain away with a shot as opposed to a mental projection of meditation as long as you're fully aware of how it works? And when that also gets you positive attention, what is so bad about it? When you're able to talk and engage and laugh, why why WHY can't you do it? If you're not sloppy or falling over or trying to hump everything in sight, why shouldn't you be allowed to *enhance* your personality? That's all it is you know, enhancement. Enhancement never killed anyone. You can't fix a disorder. Perhaps you can mask it?

Oh I know... Hell is going to break loose. I'm in for a world of trouble. But this world of trouble is better than a world of alone. Because you know what? I really like that attention, that focus on me. And if someone thinks I'm a lush? Well then so be it. Ten to one I'm having more fun than them anyways.

Sometimes a person just needs to be saved. Those are the ones that are alone. You can call me Linda Salerno. Look for me on a bridge on my birthday.

In Desperation?

I'm finding it's easy to bond over topics that are "questionable" and possibly "immoral." The fact of the matter is, people with looser morals happen to be more accepting. There usually aren't many questions asked when around them, as long as you're there and have a shot or two with them and maybe allow a little bit of groping. Beyond that, they don't care what kind of person you are. Why is it so hard for that acceptance in a church? Those people are so "deep," so caught up in the personal intentions of others and if those others are worthy of of being in their presence. They want *substance.* They want *spiritual connection.* They want *emotional connection.* They want the hardest things to create between two people and that creates high standards. I've always had such high standards, it's true. But I don't think these same standards need to apply when trying to find a group of girlfriends to go shopping with.

And the fact of the matter is, if I walked into a church I've never been to and sat and participated for an hour in the service or walked into a bar I've never been to and sat at the bar for an hour sipping a captain and coke, do you know who would engage a conversation with me and hang out? Someone in the bar. You Christians, what the hell are you doing? Why are you so cliquey? Why have every single one of my experiences since I was a child been unpleasant? And God, why?

And the other fact of the matter, at this point in my life, I'm just looking for people to spend time with. And if they are the drunk one night stander weekend partiers who trade stories about their latest sex toys and excursions....Then so be it.

"Christians should only date Christians. Christians should only hang out with Christians." I've heard it so much....And I agreed. And that is the hardest part in all this. Because I don't agree with it anymore. Because I'm doing something wrong. I've been doing something wrong my entire life for it to NEVER work out. And now I'm in this too deep. And I know I'm not that kind of girl. I tried it once and it didn't do enough for me to want to repeat it. But if these people will give me the time of day, if they will hang out with me and shop with me, and go out to eat with me, and *talk* to me, and even share my interests.... I can't leave now. I'm sorry God. I really am. I will never blame God for what has happened to me, because it is a human condition what I suffer from others, and I have hit survival mode. Desperation mode. I am so sorry.

Ebenezer Scrooge

I should really be in bed, but I just watched Muppet Christmas Carol because, well, it's a piece of my past and childhood and muppet movies are fun. And the statement I want to make is: I don't think Ebenezer Scrooge was really that bad...

I don't find him inherently evil. Like it was his only goal since he was born to terrorize and attack and make all others around him suffer like some kid from The Omen. And I find I identify with him probably more than I should. But I like Christmas a lot, so I think I'm in the clear. Now, I can only go off this version since I haven't read the book and haven't really seen or paid attention to any of the other movie versions (mainly because there is no singing involved), but I'm not seeing Scrooge purposefully out to get anyone like a terrorist may do to get recognition.

He was studious, knew what he wanted right away, seemed he was concerned about making sure he could live a stable life in a maybe unstable world. He stayed behind after school was over to work on his studies, and his headmaster encouraged him. Now, maybe he was pushed some into it by the headmaster, and he clearly at that young age had begun to lose perspective of the whole spectrum that life has. That there is "play" as well as "work." And he found love, but he didn't know what to do with it. He was preoccupied with work, which is very common in this day and age. He was always concerned about the finances, not being able to spend money for a wedding, and was incredibly flawed from that. I think he had the best intentions to his ability, but it drove everyone around him away because it was just too much and too narrow minded. After all, there is that saying: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The movie clearly depicts all these life events that shaped him happened on or the day before Christmas, which makes me think he could be jaded towards that holiday. When he's asked about how he sees all the happiness on Christmas day and can only respond with "no spirit, I'm sorry, I don't," I get it. I'm jaded with certain things like that myself. Places, communities, not so much holidays in a whole. That gives me an understanding for his aggression against Christmas at the beginning of the movie. He abhors it and has good reason (as he thinks) for it, but he fails to see the other millions of people around him who still have a chance and can still be happy from it. Yea, he is very selfish.

I can't help but feel a little he focuses so strongly on his job and finances and his own well being and his own sense of the law with making sure renters pay when they should or they get kicked out because he didn't want to be a part of the real world anymore. He didn't want to go back to the past and watch his fiance break up with him all over again, he was conscious about that; it was another part of the past he was blocking out by focusing on something that doesn't let him down: a job. His cold hearted outer shell became a defense mechanism because he knew he had screwed up in the past. And he screwed up bad in the past. I know that one too.

But he had feelings and he had a conscience. He wouldn't have asked if Tiny Tim was going to survive if he didn't feel a connection and empathy for the crippled child. He wouldn't have been hurt when his nephew made a joke at his expense. He wouldn't have lashed out and said "I want no more of this" because he was hurt and afraid of what else could be coming at his expense. He wouldn't have been concerned of the person whose death was rejoiced about if he didn't feel. And no one wants to know that after they die, people will rejoice because of this fact. And no one wants to know that no one will show up to their funeral.

All my life, I was under the impression that Scrooge was this terrible man, and when someone said "don't be such a Scrooge" to someone else, it was a huge insult. But he is no more than a broken man. He is no more than a broken man who felt the only way to survive was to shut others out and focus on something that would never let him down: work. And I understand it. I get it, I get it so much. I'm not pardoning his behavior because he did do and say some things that are wrong, but if you've ever felt jaded or hurt or lost or broken, haven't you?

I'm Falling Apart

I'm up too late. I don't know why. I haven't gotten appropriate amounts of sleep lately and I'm getting sick from it. But I just say tomorrow is Friday and I don't have to do anything, so I'll just stay in bed all day and listen to my ipod and I don't know, meditate or something. Reflect, if you will. I guess.

I am walking now. Well, it's more like a painful hobble, but I'm doing it. And it was thrilling to be able to take a drink from the kitchen to the living room, and even more thrilling to be able to take a drink from that while transporting it from one room to the next. And I'm really happy about that. And I'm genuinely grateful and thankful. And I know God knows this.

But there are parts of my life that are much harder to feel good for. There are things that are too up in the air too close to my future that could put me in ruins. And there are mental health issues that need to be addressed before I even think of attempting an independent lifestyle again. And now sitting here with it rushing through my head, I realize. I'm falling apart.

Can't work with this injury. Can't earn money. Can't continue living on my own. Current apartment lease will be up in January, and I have about 2 weeks to turn in my notice that I will be leaving it. Can't find a new place to live anywhere in the cities because I do not have a job location to aim for. And can't find a job when I don't have a place of reference to go off of. And no one is going to take you seriously when you're hobbling around in a boot.

I withdrew officially from my program at my school that I was so strategically placed to live by. I don't know if I want to go back. The past 2 quarters I attended class, I could feel myself slipping away from it. The structure of the classes wasn't meshing well, the class topics themselves I had all but lost interest in, I went through by the skin of my teeth. And by a lot of anxiety battles that I don't actually think I won. Just survived.

Had a big long talk with my dad about that today. Shared my completely irrational fear of well... School environments that, because it is my perception, it is my reality. Something about knowing I know nothing of a particular thing makes me terrified to be around other people in the class working on the projects and sharing the projects. I understand well that you can only learn what you don't know and you gain confidence as such, but that is not an option in my head. And no matter what I chant over and over again to myself, it won't stop my body shutting down. And I'm terrified to go back into that environment. This has been a breather for me.

My dad asked if the anxiety and fear was taken out of the equation hypothetically, did I feel I had an interest or somewhat of an innate ability for what the program offered? Because if you didn't have an interest and ability, it would be pointless to continue on in a program as such. I hated myself because... I do have an interest. And ability. Because I can't see myself ever doing something else. The arts are where my passions lie, where I want to be. I so badly want to say my passion is business management and that I deeply desire becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company so I can go into a field of stable and steady and less uncertainty. Or accounting. Anything. But the fact of the matter is I CAN'T say that. Because it is not true.

I've found myself recently looking at apartment listings for everywhere from New York to New Hampshire to Minneapolis. It's clear I'm restless and that's not a big surprise. And when I shut my mind down it's clear I would like to live closer to the core of Minneapolis, possibly near Uptown or Lynlakes but even Roseville would be ok. So what do I do? Spend hours researching roommate wanted or shared housing listings on craigslist before coming to the conclusion that damn, I'd love to pay cheaper like they promise, but I can't give up my independence of what I've had. And most of the places don't have room for everything I've collected since I started living on my own. So I started looking up apartments and actually finding some really great prospects for the area I'd love to be in that isn't outrageous in price for the area.

Now stop. I can't do that. I can't pay. And what about school? If I take out my fear and anxiety problems, I should in theory finish the program. And dammit, I know I'm close, I really know that. But my apartment is DONE in January, and the death seal is set the end of this month. It breaks my heart to think moving back home is in reality. I mean, I like my home and my family and I'm appreciative and grateful for all my parents do for me and they probably treat me better than I deserve a lot of the time, but I remember when I lived at home and how miserable I was just from social and mental stimulations and qualities not met. And it would be such a hassle to drag all my stuff back. And once again, where would we put it?

Inside I just feel broken. Like something is just shriveling up inside me. There are so many tangents and problems stemming from this one occurrence that was not my fault. And if I stop to really take it seriously, they are all incredibly severe and yes, serious problems for my way of living. And I just really don't wanna go back to doing photo shoots of cut up bodies as a way of self-expression. Because I still remember when that was all that I felt was going for me not too long before I moved. That regression would be awful. But likely. And I don't know if I can do this.

Faith is still there. I'm sure you wouldn't believe it, but faith is the easiest thing for me sometimes. Mainly because it isn't something I have to analyze and constantly try to understand and make it happen. It is faith. It is faith somehow things will be as they should. And maybe sometimes it's just a notion to try to make myself feel better, but I don't doubt that that is how God works. This tree thing meant something, but it is no good sitting trying to think of the endless possibilities that probably aren't even remotely near the truth of what it really meant. And sometimes faith is a great way to give you an escape from your thought. Thoughts can kill. They've killed me before.

Christianity

I have to write this, because I have too many questions I can't understand. I only desire understanding, peace of mind, truth, and comfort. And this has been on my mind since forever probably. I'm just confused.

I understand the faith side of Christianity. I understand the Word, Truth, Light, whatev, all that good stuff. And I believe it and live it and thought that was enough. But I don't understand the other people. They range from partying lives to strict collared dresses lives. And pop culture connoisseurs to people who don't own radios or TVs. And I get confused as to what's right.

See, I'm a black and white person. I don't have gray in my radar. Things either are or they aren't, and that is probably one of the reasons I have a few....Identity issues. I'm always seeking constant validation to know I'm "right' or "doing right." This is part of the personality disorder I guess. Possibly part of borderline personality disorder and actually probably most of them. But, now, because of this, I do live life as yes or no, right or wrong, black or white, never in betweens. I'm sure that's not healthy, but this subject isn't about my mental health state. Well, it is a little.

It is in the sense I don't know if I'm a good Christian. I get scared and worried that because I like sitcoms like Will and Grace or that I wear halter tops in the summer or that I like Halloween that I'm inappropriate and wrong. I'm this terrible little hypocrite of a girl.

But where are the lines? We all know the Amish and Menonite cultures adhere to strict dress code amongst other things. But is it necessary to be so consumed in worry that someone's collarbone is going to show? And are motorized vehicles really evil?

My problem is I have a real hard time with people telling me what to do. I don't like being ordered or controlled and I'm just lucky I have an antisocial disposition or else I probably would have been in jail a few times for disturbing the peace. But I do have a terribly hard time being oppositional. I remember when I was in college the Christian group there had given us a link to this "modesty" survey that supposedly polled a certain number of young Christian guys about women and modesty and what they feel is appropriate attire. Long story short, these pussy boys that they got had results like "If she was wearing a halter top I'd see her arms and shoulder blades and that could lead to wanting to see more." It was terribly controlling of women in my opinion, and it also made the guys look like they didn't even have to control their temptation needs. They just had to tell us we look a little slutty in our halter tops and then it was our fault.

Now, I am the most quiet thing in the world in social situations as I'm sure we should have figured out by now. I was in a bible study for a semester and made sure I blended into the walls more than the conversations every time. But on this occasion, when asked of our opinions of this particular survey, I blew up. I wasn't going to stand being controlled in the name of a God when suddenly we, the women, were all to blame because we have boobs on our torso. The men had taken no responsibility of realizing their piggish temptations or try to fight it as best they could in the name of THEIR God, but instead said we did everything wrong by wearing whatever kind of clothes we wore. I won't stand that. I will not take that.

But now where does that put me? Does that mean then that I'm a traitor to this religion? I won't let anyone tell me what to wear, what to eat, when I should be worshipping, what to drive, what to give to the church, what to watch. It feels so unimportant when I thought all along this "religion" was originally meant to be a "relationship" with God. I'm sorry, that's what I believed all along. I am incredibly strong in this faith, the actual faith part that makes the relationship. I'm not strong with... Only being able to eat fish on a Friday or only worshipping on a Saturday or being restricted to stay indoors on a Sunday.  I'm this new breed of Christian. And I don't know where I fit.

I fear if I walk into a church, try to join a youth group community of people my age, I'll soon discover that since I like Sean Hayes or Ru Paul and that I dressed up as a fairy for Halloween and had a bonfire with friends, they'll excommunicate me. I just don't understand the people of Christianity anymore and it frustrates me. I have so many identity issues and I'm just trying to find strength in myself as something, preferably with a strong faith background, that this makes it even harder. And I'm scared that if I'm in constant fight with someone I thought was like me.... What does that mean?