In Desperation?

I'm finding it's easy to bond over topics that are "questionable" and possibly "immoral." The fact of the matter is, people with looser morals happen to be more accepting. There usually aren't many questions asked when around them, as long as you're there and have a shot or two with them and maybe allow a little bit of groping. Beyond that, they don't care what kind of person you are. Why is it so hard for that acceptance in a church? Those people are so "deep," so caught up in the personal intentions of others and if those others are worthy of of being in their presence. They want *substance.* They want *spiritual connection.* They want *emotional connection.* They want the hardest things to create between two people and that creates high standards. I've always had such high standards, it's true. But I don't think these same standards need to apply when trying to find a group of girlfriends to go shopping with.

And the fact of the matter is, if I walked into a church I've never been to and sat and participated for an hour in the service or walked into a bar I've never been to and sat at the bar for an hour sipping a captain and coke, do you know who would engage a conversation with me and hang out? Someone in the bar. You Christians, what the hell are you doing? Why are you so cliquey? Why have every single one of my experiences since I was a child been unpleasant? And God, why?

And the other fact of the matter, at this point in my life, I'm just looking for people to spend time with. And if they are the drunk one night stander weekend partiers who trade stories about their latest sex toys and excursions....Then so be it.

"Christians should only date Christians. Christians should only hang out with Christians." I've heard it so much....And I agreed. And that is the hardest part in all this. Because I don't agree with it anymore. Because I'm doing something wrong. I've been doing something wrong my entire life for it to NEVER work out. And now I'm in this too deep. And I know I'm not that kind of girl. I tried it once and it didn't do enough for me to want to repeat it. But if these people will give me the time of day, if they will hang out with me and shop with me, and go out to eat with me, and *talk* to me, and even share my interests.... I can't leave now. I'm sorry God. I really am. I will never blame God for what has happened to me, because it is a human condition what I suffer from others, and I have hit survival mode. Desperation mode. I am so sorry.