Christmas Eve Eve

Well this turned out to be a more eventful day than I would've liked. It was bad enough I woke up with a headache that no matter how much excederin I took, wouldn't go away. Got sent out with my dad for last minute gifts my mom wanted and got sick. Well, not like throw up everywhere, but incredibly queasy and weak and shaky. I was just about ready to drop when we got a call from my mom saying my grandma was being rushed into the ER because she couldn't breathe and was having chest pains. Then later found out my cousin who is overdue was going to the same hospital to get induced into labor. So after all that news, supper time. Ate about half a chicken tender and 3 french fries at Culvers. Felt pretty dang bad.

You see, I'm big into tradition and family. This idea really hurt, really wore on me. It was bad enough four years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital. It was the first event that put all these screwed up Christmases into motion. And now, needless to say, my cousin will definitely not be celebrating with us and I don't know about her mom. And my grandma? No idea. Christmas Eves have been dwindling down steadily the past few years and it just kills me. And is probably the reason I still feel like I could throw up.

Also started thinking how I was sick HOURS before I heard the bad news, and that this has actually happened before. One time I got so sick if I wasn't curled in bed with eyes closed I would practically collapse. And that night my friend was in a car accident. I was three hours away from her. I didn't even know it happened, but it happened the same time I felt so sick. And this has happened before. Is this possible I can sense things? Especially with people I'm close to?

I feel like there is something different about me. But then I feel stupid to bring anything up. I can't really tell this to anyone. They all just scoff and laugh at me. I try to rationalize it somehow with maybe a gift God gave me. But I can't even say that to a Christian. Such a high rate of skeptics, and usually for good reason. But what happens when you really personally feel differently? And what happens when you really can't find an identity other than "maybe God has a different plan for me and that I'm special" but then face it, that's a load of crap isn't it? I just so desperately desire to be different in hopes I'll feel like I'll understand myself then. And no one wants to talk to you when you speak that way. Even if you try to keep it on a tangent of faith, they still just laugh. Man. Can't talk to anyone.

Probably why I'm so invested in facebook and twitter. Maybe I get a little too into it and made fun of because I can't get enough of "connecting" on my phone or computer. It's nice people are secure enough that they feel like they don't need to be in a community. But I probably tweet about Kristin Chenoweth too much because I just want to feel like I belong. Even if it is among the crazy Cheno fangirls. And she speaks so nicely of her fans, her "twitter family." I just want to feel like I'm a part of that family.

I don't want tomorrow. I don't want Christmas. I couldn't even do my usual Christmas shopping for my family and I hate it. Nothing is right. I want all this to be over. I want the norm again.

Anti-Nephilim

So I told my dad about my possession dreams. He wrote them off as "just dreams" at first until I told him how violent they were and that the devil has been there and actually told me to come fly with him. May possibly be the most serious I've ever seen my dad's face. And then he said "I wonder why he would be so afraid of you." That took me back. Cause he's exactly right, why would the devil be afraid of me?

So thanks to my screenplay I'm writing for class, I'm delving into the spiritual warfare side of things (which has always been a favorite topic of mine anyway), and my dad is helping me out whatever way he can. So he brought me upon the terms Nephilim, Emim, Rephaim, and Anakim which I feel like I should've known about for a while but being the bad Christian I am, of COURSE I wouldn't know ANYTHING from the Bible. Anyways. I took to this Nephilim thing quickly. In my mind it clicked perfectly. And I realized that was because I've always been able to sense the Nephilim of the here and now.

Oh, Nephilim (if you don't wanna look it up): Essentially demons. Fallen angels like Lucifer that have affected gene pools to try to stop God's prophecies. Genesis 6:4 and Numbers 13: 33. Supposedly the races (Emim, Rephaim, Anakim) were exterminated way back in Old Testament time, but since these are demonic forces at the root of them and well, they can't really be exterminated, there could be a possibility they're getting stronger again for another war.

Anyway, my entire life I've always been incredibly hyper sensitive to the spiritual presence and nature behind everything, from why a person doesn't signal to change lanes to political choices and in between, I feel the spiritual undertow at work. And this presence never had a name before to me, but Nephilim sums it up perfectly.

And I started thinking back to everything: Why was I so attracted to the supernatural and paranormal since I was incredibly young? I didn't get that from this household. Why do I have such a deep desire to be so close in my faith and relationship with God but I don't fit into the actual human community of a church? Why do I feel and see forces that are not of this world? Why do I act and feel more erratically when an injustice occurs? Why in my dreams am I being fought over? And why would someone jump to the conclusion that I was a threat to the devil?

After telling my dad that in these possession dreams, I've been thrown into walls and ceilings, felt something inside me take my body over, seen and been tempted by the devil, and woken up screaming God's name and that when I'm alone in my apartment I'm sometimes afraid to go to sleep because there is no one around to help me, he assured me that only people of strong spiritual faith would have something like this happen to them, and that the devil can't hurt me, only scare me. And even Jesus was tempted and attacked.

So I came to the conclusion, that maybe I am something important. Maybe I'm an "anti-Nephilim" of sorts. I can see it, discern it, weed it out even when the earthly part of it looks pretty. And I've had such an identity problem even as I'm supposed to have matured as an adult. How is it that I can be so strong and convicted but not get along with anyone who is supposed to be just like me?  Hah, maybe I don't live completely in the real world. Because there is more to this world than our reality. And call me fucking crazy or stupid or psycho Christian or whatever, but maybe I am something more than this worthless human being. And maybe my genes aren't affected, but something is different with me. I really am just a little different than everyone else. Or maybe I am a lunatic. But if I am one, I'm giving myself the title of Anti-Nephilim.

Just to Say...

I can't do things like other people. They don't understand that. And they just get mad at me.

I have dreams weekly that I'm being possessed. I'm afraid that they aren't dreams sometimes. And I'm certain they mean business. Do you know what that must feel like?

I see the sadder side of people, the side of hurt. I'm keyed in on that. Sensitive to it. I think it's beautiful. For some reason, it can be nice to be reminded that everyone is broken. And if they tell you they aren't, they're lying.

"There are no extras in life, only key players." --Synechdoche, New York

I really want to apologize for how emo I am. Except I don't know who to apologize to. I get upset thinking I upset my family but then that just makes the emo worse and nothing gets resolved.

Well. That's all.

People are Really Bad

This isn't an overstatement and this isn't an exaggeration. Have you ever watched those shows like "Most Shocking Dangerous Drivers" or "World's Wildest Police Videos?" Have you seen some of the carnage that those people do to other people because of their insolent, inconsiderate, and quite frankly evil behavior? People are really bad, ya'll. Humans, we're horrible. Between the sociopathic murderers and the drunk driving assholes, we don't have a chance. Ya know we're damned right? We should be. We have no redemption qualities at all.

Like a speeding semi asshole in the middle of rush hour on Long Island who floors it through three lanes of traffic and pins a car between him and a bus that is nothing left but twisted metal in the end. Why would someone do that? What in a person's mind thinks that's ok?

That's the scary thing you know that? The scary thing is that people don't have a sense of right or wrong. There are too many of them, they hurt people, they kill people and I wish they weren't on this earth. I wish we were all dead and that the dolphins were the most intellectual creatures on this earth. Actually, quite honestly, I'm pretty sure they already are.

I really just want to ask, why do you do it? You're caught on camera doing something criminal and fatal to other human beings and in the setting it's clear it was completely uncalled for and doesn't make sense. I'm not ok with "I wasn't paying attention, thought I was fine." That is not an acceptable answer you know. Things aren't about you and you should NEVER think that just YOU are FINE. YOU are an ASS. YOU deserve to be BEHIND BARS. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and if you are not aware of who and what is around you, you should not be here.

I'm always afraid when I'm driving on highways, or anywhere really. I'm convinced that dumbass semi that is speeding way over the speed limit and trying to pass me on black ice is going to kill me. In fact, just yesterday and ass semi driver almost turned left ON TOP of me when I was waiting at a stop light. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of living on this planet a lot of the time because humans are too unpredictable and will hurt other humans whether it was "on purpose" or not. I have a 2 hour drive when I'm in my apartment to go back home, and I practically cry sometimes thinking about with what our winter weather conditions will be and the kind of douchebags that will be on the road that I don't even want to get out of my apartment. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed.

God, why did You choose humans? Why did You forgive them? They aren't good, they are terrible. They're a damned and condemned race and they deserve every bit of that damnation. Why would You accept them? I hurt just thinking about how these people that don't deserve You get Your acceptance. I don't deserve you either. I don't kill and I'm always aware of the thousands of other people around me wherever I go, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm terrible and damned as well. I know that, and I know I deserve being damned and I can deal with it. It would suck, yes, but without You I'd still be able to deal with the fact that when I die I'm going to be tortured for eternity cuz yes, I deserve it.

Maybe this sounds like an exaggeration, and it's true not a lot of people understand the extreme depths of my mind. I know it's extreme, but that's part of the way my mind works. Every type of personality disorder deals with the fact the person sees things strongly and in right or wrong fashion. If people want to lock me up, well, I wish they would. I might feel safe in a padded white room.

I just don't understand. People are bad.

Decision

I've randomly decided that if anyone can't see past the cold safety shell/attitude that I make for myself to find the real vulnerable and gentle soul that is inside, then they don't deserve ever getting to know me. Outer appearances still only mean everything, don't they? And you triple threat girls prove that. I'm as good as you. But I'm not going to whore my happiness out to every person I see. It's mine and it's special and those who are special in my life deserve to be a part of it and enjoy it. Stop taking things you triple threat whores.


Right, back to homework.

Ignorant State of Bliss

Is it possible that self-medication can be ok? I mean, medication implies fixing. You need medicine when you're sick and it's not always something as simple as a cold. So if you understand it, why can't you self-medicate? I mean, what is the difference of numbing your pain away with a shot as opposed to a mental projection of meditation as long as you're fully aware of how it works? And when that also gets you positive attention, what is so bad about it? When you're able to talk and engage and laugh, why why WHY can't you do it? If you're not sloppy or falling over or trying to hump everything in sight, why shouldn't you be allowed to *enhance* your personality? That's all it is you know, enhancement. Enhancement never killed anyone. You can't fix a disorder. Perhaps you can mask it?

Oh I know... Hell is going to break loose. I'm in for a world of trouble. But this world of trouble is better than a world of alone. Because you know what? I really like that attention, that focus on me. And if someone thinks I'm a lush? Well then so be it. Ten to one I'm having more fun than them anyways.

Sometimes a person just needs to be saved. Those are the ones that are alone. You can call me Linda Salerno. Look for me on a bridge on my birthday.

In Desperation?

I'm finding it's easy to bond over topics that are "questionable" and possibly "immoral." The fact of the matter is, people with looser morals happen to be more accepting. There usually aren't many questions asked when around them, as long as you're there and have a shot or two with them and maybe allow a little bit of groping. Beyond that, they don't care what kind of person you are. Why is it so hard for that acceptance in a church? Those people are so "deep," so caught up in the personal intentions of others and if those others are worthy of of being in their presence. They want *substance.* They want *spiritual connection.* They want *emotional connection.* They want the hardest things to create between two people and that creates high standards. I've always had such high standards, it's true. But I don't think these same standards need to apply when trying to find a group of girlfriends to go shopping with.

And the fact of the matter is, if I walked into a church I've never been to and sat and participated for an hour in the service or walked into a bar I've never been to and sat at the bar for an hour sipping a captain and coke, do you know who would engage a conversation with me and hang out? Someone in the bar. You Christians, what the hell are you doing? Why are you so cliquey? Why have every single one of my experiences since I was a child been unpleasant? And God, why?

And the other fact of the matter, at this point in my life, I'm just looking for people to spend time with. And if they are the drunk one night stander weekend partiers who trade stories about their latest sex toys and excursions....Then so be it.

"Christians should only date Christians. Christians should only hang out with Christians." I've heard it so much....And I agreed. And that is the hardest part in all this. Because I don't agree with it anymore. Because I'm doing something wrong. I've been doing something wrong my entire life for it to NEVER work out. And now I'm in this too deep. And I know I'm not that kind of girl. I tried it once and it didn't do enough for me to want to repeat it. But if these people will give me the time of day, if they will hang out with me and shop with me, and go out to eat with me, and *talk* to me, and even share my interests.... I can't leave now. I'm sorry God. I really am. I will never blame God for what has happened to me, because it is a human condition what I suffer from others, and I have hit survival mode. Desperation mode. I am so sorry.