You Cut Open Your Skin

But then what? What does it accomplish? Why is it so important for you to see that, to look upon the fresh bright blood against pale skin? To have a piece of your body exposed and vulnerable to the impurities of your surroundings? Does it make you real again? Does it make you whole? Does it make you whole to cut a piece of yourself out of your own body?

I ponder this. I don't remember the last time I sliced and diced anything from my body, and while that should be a good thing (and yes, it is), it makes me wonder what that pain felt like. Or rather, what that relief felt like. My body has been so unexposed to physical pain lately, or at least the type I crave. A sore ankle or charlie horse won't do it. Not the right kind of pain. The outer kind. The kind that happens from a hit or a fall or a bump or a push or a slice. Inner pain doesn't work on me because it's not the inner part of me that has the problem. It's my skin.

I don't feel particularly suicidal or down or anything right now. But I have nothing else to do with my night but go to bed, and it made me think I could take a little physical out on myself right now. Nothing else to do. Body seems numb. I don't have any marks or cuts or bruises (set aside from a few love bites that while they look great, don't feel like anything), and I don't remember if I know what those feel like. I don't know if I remember that burn that came with the blade or the throb that came with the bruise. So I thought "well...maybe I could."

But then I got to thinking, as the title suggests, I cut open my skin, but then what? For what? I could give you a hundred different reasons as to why I personally feel at this very moment, and all moments when I do this should do this. And it is a little fascinating. How can something raw and vulnerable create such a sense of calm and make someone feel better when they look at it? I long to see the blood, I won't lie. I long to see a deep cut with that gross mixture of bright red and yellow skin tissue all out there in the open. I terribly long to see something on my arms again. I terribly long to feel that soothing burn.

Would it make everything better? Would it solve the problems with bf? When my physical starts getting affected by my mental, my mental reset can usually be taken care of by the physical. I punch myself a few times, maybe make a few slices, would anything underlying in my brain just go away?

We've gotten better since the Destiny incident. Hell, I've even started playing Destiny (I suck at it, but I play it and sometimes actually enjoy it). He let me make an official PSN account so I can feel a part of something and I've downloaded some pinball games that entertain me and that we play together sometimes. I came out with all the shit I had been feeling and he responded in his own way. To make sure I felt a part of something and a part of him and when I mention things about how I'm wired to desire more physical contact or some other sort of thing, he shifts his behavior and I can pick them up. I notice everything that changes. And he's a wonderful guy because of that. Sure, he's never gonna say I love you...But I digress.

So why do I want to physically reset anything? I know I best connect in serious, emotional, and intimate moments. And we all know he can't and won't. Lately I've tried my hardest I guess to just try to study him, to find a connecting moment that we can share, but it's not there. Not like how I see it in my head. He doesn't respond well to solemn, while others would get goosebumps just thinking about a connection like that with someone they care about. He responds to me being happy go lucky and somewhat ridiculous. If I reset, if I cut or bruise, would the solemn desire go away? Would I go back to happy go lucky? Would whatever is holding me back sometimes from normal activities and actions and conversations I usually have go away again?

I sometimes think it will. I don't know for sure, I guess. Haven't tried it. I mean, yet, lately, whatever. Thing is, I don't see why it wouldn't. But two things could happen. I could reset back perfectly and be awesome for a while, or I could find a false sense of reset only to have something worse manifest when he sees the marks and I spiral instead. Lately I've been acutely aware of that spiral feeling that happened last year that broke us up and I've been trying to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. The ironic thing is it started at about this time too. I can't do anything to jeopardize that, not now. We may have had some sort of break through. Some sort of communication. And I can't fuck that up because I go back to my old ways.

That physical pain is so important, as is the visual, it's true. It does calm me, make me feel better. It's a reassurance that I can't get from anything or anyone else. But I know how people would react if they saw it. I've spent this entire time mulling over my head where a good spot on my body would be that wouldn't be seen by my mom tomorrow when we go shopping if I start trying on clothes. Or by bf when I'm prancing around in my cute little t-shirt/panty outfits. The good news is bf is not particularly observant. But my parents are. They've had a lifetime to figure out my shit and are pretty good at it now. Strange when the pros and cons revolve only around who will see the marks on your body, not the actual act of performing them. It's a pretty messed up thing. I'm a pretty messed up person with a pretty messed up body. But here I am. Here I am.

Destiny

So I've had a kinda rough past month. Cool things happened that I think people would be jealous of, and while I don't discount said experiences, I was really miserable and in a lot of pain and had a hard time.

I spent two weeks in the *as far north as you can go* part of Minnesota filming a movie as craft service, which, as I had done briefly in the past, promised to be fairly simple and straight forward with not too much pressure and just me to account for myself and keep myself in check.

Well, it didn't work that way. Turns out craft turned me into a madman, mentally and emotionally not being prepared for the demands and uncertainties that came with trying to provide food for 40 people every day. In an isolated wilderness where I couldn't quick run to starbucks when everyone suddenly needed a quick espresso pick me up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was the miscommunication and big personalities that butted heads and I ended up at their mercy. Then there was the physical aspect of being on my own and trying to haul coolers, tables, cases of drinks, etc, back and forth up rocky hills, through rocky paths, against lake fronts for half a mile. On my own. Craft service was isolating. Everyone had their own little departments that they got to know each other and had common things to talk about during the filming, but I was just there. Just with my food and drinks and car and coolers. It took a huge emotional toll on me. So huge I ended up sick by the 3rd day in. It's been almost exactly a month, and I still have remnants of that sick.

So for two weeks I was isolated and away from anything and everything that ever felt comforting, normal, safe for me. Honestly, I thought it would tear me away from the bf, being there were some charming lovely crew guys there who knew how to talk and had interests like me (often things that lack in this relationship because he just *can't* or maybe at this point *won't* try to do them), but instead it just brought me closer to him. Or at least made me want to be back with him more. As well as my family. Any place safe and comforting. When we got done filming up there, we came back into Minneapolis to film another week and I had 2 days off that I could spend personally any way I wanted. Of course, I just wanted to be with bf, just us, just basking in being together again. But that became short lived and not as important I could tell, to him as it was to me. We were together, but it was the same ol' same ol', play video games, play on your phone, sit beside each other and consider it good. I needed more than that, but there was nothing I could say.

And then there was Valleyfair. For labor day, we have this tradition of going to Valleyfair. There is hardly anyone there since they all go to the state fair and labor day weekend is when they do corn fest so it's all the free corn on the cob you can eat. I was so looking forward to it, as it is our tradition, as well as being our 4 month anniversary of when we got back together. That's also extra special because we went to Valleyfair that day as well. We two work really well when we're out at places, especially places like that because that's where our similarities really lie and everything is just easy. However, I got back from up north and found out someone else was coming with us. Girl that I guess I can say is my friend, but who I still have reservations on, and now have even more since I've been out of the loop for so long. By Monday, I was sick again. Just wiped out and exhausted and physically sick, but dammit I was not going to let him go by himself with her. To a water park. With her in a swim suit. So I went. And it turned out fine. I wasn't as talkative and animated as I would normally be, but it was fine. I rode some rides with him, rode some with her, yea. But it just wasn't enough "us" time since the next day I was back on the shoot.

Halfway through filming, I got news that my great aunt who suffered from Parkinsons wasn't doing well at all and was in a coma, so I had to cut out early (which was a relief as far as the film was concerned) and head home, so again, no time with bf. Her funeral was yesterday. And now I'm back in the city, trying to remember what a normal life was like. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow and that sucks.

I was warned pretty early on, and continually, that bf was getting a PS4 so he could play Destiny, and that that was going to consume his time. Destiny just came out today, and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. He posts about how great it is, how pretty the gaming console is on facebook, and I actually feel replaced. He never posts about me or us, and I guess it upsets me that he can get so excited over an inanimate object but he could care less about a real human. Funny, I suppose, feeling jealous of a game. But the emotion is there, so it's real. He's offered to *let* me "hang out with him" while he's playing it, but that environment just makes me feel bad. It always has when he's gotten wrapped up in a game. I know rationally enough it's not a complete reflection on me, and that he sees it as a totally acceptable way to spend time with me, but the fact is, it is an avoidant technique and he doesn't have to focus emotionally and all his energy on connecting with his girlfriend. I'm coming out of an incredibly isolating, stressful, and emotional month and I need nothing more than some TLC from someone I care about who I thought cared about me, but I know I will not receive that until... Well who knows when? When he gets tired of the game, I suppose. I just can't be with him without some undivided attention. And I won't rain on his parade. This is why I'm not there tonight. It would trigger my body into feeling even more disregarded. Disregard is something I've struggled with my entire life, and one of the worst feelings I can feel. Being in the situation would push me over the edge, even though being separated isn't much better.

It's just funny, I don't know where to go now. I'm alone again, like I was there. I was still surrounded by people (clearly lots too), but every waking moment on that set was another stake in the heart of how alone I was. And now being back here with nothing going on, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't even have the one person that I relied so much on to be there.

I wish I could explain better the strength that emotional connection gives me. Or just how to explain "emotional connection." He doesn't get it and doesn't have it. He has emotions, yes, I suppose, but I still look at him as cold and barren most of the time. He displays affects and emotions, but at the core, he will not connect with them. That is something that is so strongly ingrained in my being, and usually I can accept how he is. But then there are rough times like this where I need what my soul is made out of and craves, and he doesn't give it to me. I've changed and learned and know that I need to say something and explain it out to him, but right now he's in his playtime mode, and I'm not gonna knock that down. So I guess that's what writing is for. I needed to get this out. I think the most important thing I've learned and will ever learn is that we are only here for ourselves. Don't ever rely on someone else for anything, no matter who they are in relation to you. Only care about yourself.

Fucking Destiny.

How Do I Stop This?

This is very strange for me. I'm not sure why I get triggered so easily by one group of people. I'm also not sure why I am still incredibly hesitant and guarded when it comes to them. I think there's an exclusion thing that I'm dealing with, that even when I'm invited into the group setting, it's usually just as a *fifth wheel* who gets to hang out and not engage and interact. I have actually never felt so disappointed with myself that I don't play board games. And I have never been so disappointed with my social anxiety and my striving for perfection and need for comfort when trying something new. This is getting in the way. I just didn't expect this to happen.

What else do I need to do to calm my mind, quiet my fears? I have spent multiple times with these girls, done a road trip with one, so why can I not shake this? I can be there when they make plans, and it still bothers me. Something triggers in me and I can't figure it out. I first understood my reservations because I didn't know what had been going on with him and them after we broke up. And then I understood further when I realized how much he had used them as an excuse to stay away from me, which still involves a lot of remnants of pain for me. But I have acknowledged these, so should they not go away now?

I want to like them, I do. And I mean, I don't hate them or anything. But I tend to feel threatened by big personalities and bigger egos, and well, that's the group. In a way this intimidation or threat isn't a big deal, because I have dealt with many people I've felt that way about that I love now - my first intern supervisor who is now practically a second mother to me, my current boss who isn't anything to be worried about, and even one of my coworkers that I absolutely love to death. The difference is there was so much one on one time and so much observing that I could do because I was around them a lot and maybe that soothed things a lot easier. I want to do some one on one stuff with these girls, but I have a lot of reservations on that. I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I'm this thrown off just thinking about it.

And how can one part of a past affect your present and future so much? Especially when you see it? I'm not gonna lie, I've been flattered when they invite me or even start up conversations with me and sing Wicked songs in the car with me. But it's not enough. Why is it not enough? I don't trust them. I don't trust the "so comfortable in their sexual identity that they impose it on my boyfriend." I don't trust the "I guess I'll be monogamous enough and only sleep with one person but I won't emotionally commit to anyone so I could take what I need from your boyfriend."

Stop. Am I really that afraid of my boyfriend being taken away somehow? Well. Yes. Maybe I'm too fucking traditional now for this hipster society, I don't know. I just see this whole emotional attachment thing as being the biggest factor of a relationship and what connects people the most. If someone else wants to be as close as me to the person I'm in love with who should feel the same way, well, it's a threat. And he can't have it both ways. For a very long time, I was fine with playing that game, the sleep around, screw around, play around, don't attach, no emotional attachment, blah blah blah, and that changed. Because someone came into my life and suddenly became really fucking damn important. I just know what emotional shit means to me, so for someone to throw that around and possibly towards him, well that makes it hard for me. The same thing goes for the sex identity thing too. Congrats you're a model and you love your boobs and all that, and again, I used to be very similar. Course, my lack of concern for my body comes from the fact that I don't like myself period, so anything that could be deemed self damaging, I went for. Which includes random sex, not caring what's hanging out, etc.

And maybe now I just feel like I'm not worth as much, body-wise, if he can see other people anytime he wants, especially ones he hangs out with on a regular basis. My body is just an after thought now maybe, not something he strives to want to be a part of. Granted, it's not like I deny him of anything, after all, I am the more sexual creature here. Yet maybe it's just not appreciated the same anymore.

Fuck girl. The amount of insecurity you have. How did that happen? And what to do about it? You can't use it as a crutch, they will call you weak. They will think you're stupid because you're not strong. You're not "your own person." Social anxiety or not (and I know this comes with the territory), they will think you need to get the fuck over it. And they will have no problem saying that to your face. That's the kind of people they are, unfiltered, somewhat brutal, strong, independent women. And who says I'm not a strong, independent woman? I suffer from some mind shit is all. I suffer from a disorder that I certainly didn't want. I've tried to do my best for self clarity and understanding, and I have insanely improved, but that doesn't stop EVERYTHING. That does not stop the internal fight I have every time I'm around them. And I'm trying so hard to just have fun. And when we get into conversations and get going, it can be. I just don't know why, especially after distance and I hear something about what everyone's gonna be doing next, my body triggers. This is getting too complicated. How do I stop this?

Feeling Insecure

I'm gonna put this here because... Well, I can.

And I reeally don't have time to try to catch us all up to my life in the past month or so, but here's some highlights:

~Movie magic moments do apparently exist.
~Theme parks are great places to reconnect.
~Sometimes guys need you to leave before they realize that they care.
~And sometimes they need a wake up check to tell them that they need to tell you that.
~So I'm back in a relationship.
~There has been work involved on both ends.
~It's been a month.

K, that worked. But uh, yea. And things have been improved and I have been quite happy and content and have been able to understand and read and believe him more than I did and could before. He's not the easiest person to be in a first relationship with due to how he's wired and the amount of doubt and concern I had was just killing me. But now I see how he works, and that he still can't really do a good feedback response to me when something's upset me and I share it *on the spot*, but it seems the day after he processes it, I get something back. He has also seemed to make an effort to make sure I am ok when I start feeling upset or say so and will go out of his way to call when he's at work and such. Part of this is on me too, since I never could trust or believe that before if he did something like that. I wasn't sure it was genuine I guess. But things fall into place much better now.

Also, distance/separation is a very good thing. We both needed to be alone to figure our own shit out, and had everything not happened the way it did, we wouldn't be where we are now. He needed to realize, I guess, the actual amount and strength of whatever this "caring" was for me (hence being so upset over the guy situation), and I guess when he noticed that, it made him think that he should try this again. And me? Well, we all know I never stopped feeling for him. My actions were "moving on," but nothing else about me was. But the stipulation is this is real, and serious, and we all know how real and serious I am. I can only take him at face value when he says through the best of his working through the disconnect that this is for him. And I know that sounds doubtful, but I also now actually know him a bit better and know where he's acknowledged his emotional downfalls that I do not have. It's also led to actual meaningful conversations, and that was lacking the last time around. Improvements overall. Many improvements. And I take care of myself more. I like my alone time and being away from him. I know I can handle about 2 straight days on a weekend with him before I get worn out and moody. And I appreciate that this break up actually gave me that realization, understanding, and means to stick with it when I'm done.

But right, insecurity. The disclaimer here is that this seems to be a good relationship now. I wouldn't call it 110% functional, but it's not 110% dysfunctional either. It's a huge work in progress, but something I want to be a part of.

However, lately, and this is just more on me personally and mentally and I'm not sure why (which is why I'm writing it out), I've just felt overly secure and horrible about myself. I've also been increasingly nasty and mean about random people that do stupid things or movies or whatever. Super nasty. Venom spewing nasty. I mean, I have my moments, everyone does, but I know that for pretty much a month I was anything but this, and that shows me that this isn't and doesn't have to be my normal state. When we first started dating almost two years ago, this started happening to me too and it made everything fall apart. I ended up in such a hideous headspace that I started projecting things about how he sees me onto him and myself and ruined everything.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. So we don't have sex as much as we did say, oh 3 weeks ago when he couldn't keep his hands off me no matter where we were and I for the most part couldn't either. Now, we've already had talks about how he likes it when I'm the aggressor and that'll definitely get him in the mood (cuz I'm deathly afraid to start something and not have it reciprocated), and when I've said I just can't do it all the time, he just says he's been tired lately and it's been hard to...aggress. And I value sex waay more (as I still see it as a release and relaxation tool and he still sees it as more of a job and work), so I've gotten used to starting things when I want, but now I find that it all feels forced. I can't remember the last time I actually got him to cum, and everything feels a little off and awkward. We're not in sync, and there's such minimal touching. The touching thing is hard for me. I like to be explored, sucked on, bit, eaten out. I like there to be marks on my body. The more and deeper, the better. I like to look claimed. I like sensual hands rubbing over collar bones or rib cages or boobs or wherever. I like my hair and neck being grabbed and pulled into him. I like being pushed down and held. I like feeling passionate kisses.

And unfortunately, this isn't happening. And also unfortunately, all these more "sensual and passionate" things that I desire aren't just sex acts that you can tell the other person to do. They involve the desire and drive behind them that you can't force another human being to have. And I don't know what to do with that when he's just not going to do that. And I get worried when he's been like this for a little while now, always tired and such. I don't want this to end up like before and we both end up in some depression thing again. We've both battled it and it's something I try to pay huge attention to now with him and I don't know. But this gets hard on me. And I feel even worse about my body now that I'm friends with one of his friends who's a model. We're going up to a cabin this weekend and she'll probably be there and now I'm realizing how terrible my body looks and it's wearing on me even further. My size could be fine, yes, but the amount of cellulite and fat pockets and dimples this 27 "non-obese" year old has is ridiculous. My butt is not in the shape of a butt. And I have a double butt. Like a double chin, except under the butt. It's horrible and makes me feel terrible. The rest of the dimpling and puckering of skin on the back of my legs is just as bad. I've somehow put up with it because bf's told me that's something everyone looks past, but right now I just don't know if I can get in a swimsuit, especially if she's around.

I don't know why I'm feeling so inferior and insecure and horrible, but I am. And I don't like feeling secretly competitive with her. I can't compete anyways, I'm not the model. And I can guarantee this is why I'm being a bitch in real life. I'm having a hard time, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm going to be the cause we break up again because this has happened before. I'm so obsessed and focused on trying to not repeat the past with us because this is a fucking important relationship to me that I'd do anything to preserve. So can you imagine how it feels when you think you're the one who is going to ruin it? Sigh. Good talk though.

Speaking of talk, that's just what I'll have to do with him. That's been my new vow for whatever relationship I ended up in next, when I was feeling something that affected me (good or bad), I would acknowledge it and tell the person. I didn't before, and that ruined things. He kinda figured out something was up last night, but honestly? I hadn't been able to put enough thought and process into it to explain anything. And now I have. And it's really scary, having to talk about this stuff. I've done it a few times now and I've been terrified every time. I never know what I think is gonna happen, why I get so nervous. Rejection? Mocking? Getting an answer you don't want to hear? Probably. And I hate that it involves her again, since I've already had "feelings" revolving around her and some others (the gaming buddies that I was afraid to hang out with after we got back together since, well, he used them to avoid me. A little bit of pain there), and I don't want him to think I hate her or something. I don't want him to get annoyed or mad at me about it. I'm trying. Fucking trying.

But yea, there's some insecurity goin on here. I suppose it was a matter of time. I'm hoping it's just a phase. A hormonal thing or something, I don't know.

Oh May, You Need to be Done

Well this has been one hell of a month. One HELL of a month. I cannot emphasize that enough.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I went on a camping trip with a huge group of people to the Dells. It was nerve wracking at first, I didn't know anyone, was incredibly new, everyone seemed to know each other... But it didn't take too long before I somehow had developed two male suitors for the weekend. Well, let's just say, I'm in a rebounding place because, well, shit, why wouldn't I be?

Well, they were fun. Enough I guess. Never mind the one kisses like a fish. Soo awkward. Taught me a lot that that isn't worth it. I didn't feel any better. Just a little dirty and disgusted. Also taught me I have no business in trying to be in a relationship for like a year or something. I felt nothing. And I tried. I tried the hand holding, conversations, jokes, all that jazz. But they left me feeling numb. I just felt forced and then I felt bad cuz these guys both seemed to take some sort of intense liking into me. In ways that the ex never could express and well, that was hard to avoid. End results weren't worth it though. I got out of hand and let things go too far. I still hate myself for that.

Well, needless to say, ex somehow found out about this (thanks to reading over my shoulder when I was texting someone), and just majorly freaked out. I couldn't understand why what I did with another guy would affect him so when he had broken up with me two months ago. Though I was feeling so bad about doing it and hating on myself because of it and feeling bad that I made him feel bad since that had never been my intention in life to hurt him, that I tried to tell him how sorry I was and that if I knew my actions would bother him, I wouldn't have done it. And that's true. But I thought he didn't care anymore. I thought he was done. Well, he barely let me get two words out before he was gone with that stoic stone cold face and I just knew it was officially over. He didn't want to hug me or touch me anymore, or even look at me. The separation would begin. This was Tuesday.

Well, I wake up Wednesday morning to a whole bunch of facebook notifications on my phone and discover he had been "cleaning" up his photos on his phone and facebook and had posted and tagged me in a bunch. Cue incredibly confused Elle here. To top it off, one of the pictures of me got all these comments, some from his dad, and that made me even more sad. I really miss his family. I liked them so much and I know they liked me. They were the first ones to learn about a really good potential film job interview even before my own parents. His dad was proud of me for it. His dad was proud of me because I could out drink him and a whole bunch of army guys when it came to scotch. He said so and actually bragged about it to his friends. So hard losing that.

Anyway that was a slight sidetrack. I cried, called my parents, dad assured me it was passive aggressive whether he knew it or not and assured me that it was all because now ex was getting these feelings that he didn't realize and up until now had not been challenged in any way. Deep down he knew what he was losing. And how close it was to lost. So this "phone clean up" spree was that. I continued on with life, but before I knew it, started getting text messages from the guy. Strangely enough, we had a lovely little text chat about our feelings and the relationship, and this is the first time I can remember him ever saying anything like this. He's just so bad at communicating emotions, SO bad. But having that was huge. He told me all our physical contact was still emotional and that he didn't know what else to do but try to separate all that and turn me into a "friend in his head." I thought he had done that back in March, and told him so. I honestly thought any emotion he had toward me was done, and now he let me know that was never the case? He thought I was trying to change him and was drained from it and that's why he said he was done? I was never trying to change him. Help maybe. I didn't expect things to change just like that, not after all that damage. And I told him it was not my intention and that I was sorry he saw it that way. I had reformed and I guess I wanted to show him what I learned. When he said he was "done trying," I assumed it was the relationship period. All I had ever needed to know was that he still wanted to be a part of this relationship together and I would have stayed. Course, I never got an official answer from that.

Didn't stop him though. Suddenly he became pursuant again and last night invited me over to watch movies and enjoy the internet since I still don't have any in my apartment. Well, he had acted so concerned that he couldn't look at me or touch me again for fear of getting mental images of me fucking another guy that I couldn't figure out how this was going to work. I expected no contact from him until he got over it like he said he had to. But then last night? Well, he seemed VERY over it.

It was like a movie moment, as fucking cliche as that sounds. I had walked over and it is so hot now outside so I was sweltering (also fighting a nasty sunburn from the weekend), so I kept trying to put my hair up or stand in front of the air conditioner. He would laugh and comment that I look good with my hair down and then try to take it down. He let me wear some of his shorts. And after I kept complaining and trying to put my hair up in one of those preppy annoying girl high buns, he finally dragged me to the kitchen where he grabbed a freeze pop and held it against me. Suddenly everything went movie- The standing close, hands on each others waists, the remarks that became soft comments as faces and lips got closer, the studying each other. Then the kissing and the gentle hands tracing the face, neck and shoulder. I fall to it every time, I just instantly start shaking. He noticed and asked if I was cold now and all I could say was "You've always made me weak in the knees." My lips would trace his jaw and neck and it was like exploring each other for the first time.

Anyways, not about to write 50 Shades of Grey here (although mine would probably be better), and needless to say, I ended up there for the night. We acted as if we were together again (which mind you I know is not true and is a dangerous place to be mentally), and it was refreshing. Nah, I secretly hoped this could be that moment, but alas, movie moments don't actually happen in real life. Well, parts of them do as mentioned above, but they don't work like they do in the movies. When he left for work today, he actually came back and gave me a hug in bed and then curled into it and laid with me. He's never done that. Not for like, ever. A year. No joke, at least a year. I could watch him and tell there was something going on in that head. He would look at the clock and then just curl right back to me. How did I get important enough that he'd waste a little extra time for me? And somewhere in the course of all that, he asked if I wanted to go to Valleyfair on Sunday. I didn't give him a definitive answer cuz I have plans with the internet wife this weekend, but again today he texted me to find out the answer.

Well, needless to say, I cannot say no to theme parks. This could get out of hand and I don't want this to. We both have passes, so it's no skin off our backs really to go on Sunday. But now it's up to me to put in some lines and boundaries. If this boy is thinking something, thinking ANYTHING, I need to know. Or else I need to officially move on and away. I understand the separation thing now. And we can't fall into "couple activity" when we are not a couple. It does not separate us and we need to reassess this. But I need to know why he gave up and broke my heart and I need to know if he even understands how to fully commit to a person like I committed to him and if he even can. Because while I was getting all these emotional vibes from him last night, unless he can concretely tell me how he feels and what he wants, I can never be back in a relationship with him. And I don't even know if that was ever an option to begin with, but neither of us did a good job acting apart, as I've said before. But maybe a setting like Valleyfair is a good place for this. Not to get EVERYTHING I just wrote out, but bits, just things to mull on here and there, nothing to drag the mood down, but maybe an actual conversation of substance here and there. Or at least I'll try. I need to know one way or another, and that in itself will take time. But it's up to me to put it into motion.

May has been too much of a month though, all over the place. It just needs to be done.

Moved Out

And it's done. I've officially moved out. This all feels incredibly mixed, I'll admit, and I suppose rightfully so.

I'm excited and thrilled for my apartment. It's super urban and hipsterish, especially for Minneapolis. Sure, it's a garden level, but it has a great layout and TONS of space and again has that urbanness to it. I'm happy to make it all my own again and put everything where I want it in whatever way I want it and in whatever time frame I choose.

But you know, I just walked away from something that was my life for a year and a half. And a living situation that was mine for 6 months. This is called change, and unfortunately, I've never been able to handle it very well.

Moving day on Saturday was absolutely miserable. Well, at the start of the day anyway. It was slowly setting in on me that this was inevitably the end of everything as I knew it. Lots of crying. Tons of tears. I looked like hell. And then I sucked it up and continued loading and unloading things with the help of my parents and well, ex. I still spent the night at his place because I guess I just couldn't let go. I had gotten accustomed to whatever our situation had become and was actually enjoying it.

But then Sunday rolled around and I realized all I wanted to do was get my remaining stuff out of here. Unfortunately Saturday had only been the big stuff and furniture, so EVERYTHING ELSE was still in his apartment. I guess I suddenly felt hurried and rushed and probably a little anxious or agitated. I had asked him if he would help me put my bed together, which he seemed to agree to, but as I was getting up to take a shower, I noticed his old gaming buddy girls texting him and I guess that could only mean one thing. After the shower I suggested a Target run since I needed a few things and he informed me he was going to do board games instead. So, never mind the bed thing or help, eh? While he assured me he'd do it later, I just didn't have that time. And I was gone.

Needless to say, I got a friend to help and we took care of all the shit. We ran back into him on our last run of picking stuff up and I just didn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore I suppose. I guess he did get home at a decent hour compared to what I'm used to him doing, but he was all depressed and lethargic and I no longer know how to deal with that. I'm not your girlfriend, so I can't make you feel better and hold you or do anything. But it's shitty as a human being to just be like "tough, fuck you, enjoy your jobless depression state that I had that you seemed to not care about!" So there was still a lot of hugging. Always hugging.

Monday and Tuesday I still ended up seeing him and am still torn in ways. I've been picking stuff up that seems to just accumulate more and more and he's come and helped me move things into my new place and we even grabbed something to eat after and it's just... I don't know. He keeps hugging me hello and goodbye. And why do I have a feeling he will always do that? I know it doesn't mean he's in love with me or wants to get back together at all or anything and I know better than to think that should make me fall for him. It doesn't. But I'm in a limbo again is all. I just have to push past this feeling part because I'm tired and worn out and still grieving. I didn't do myself the best service by staying there for so long and getting accustomed to how we were acting and being even when we knew we were broken up.

But I don't have internet. So today I went back to his place to borrow it for a bit (as I am right now). I know his Wednesday nite routine so I know he won't be here which is really great in the end. I need to stop seeing him every day, especially when I'm supposed to have my own self-sustained life away from him. And he's already done a damn good job of that from me. The apartment is completely different. He's got decorations all over the place, he's been cleaning and organizing, and well, it's just totally different from when we were together. He also threw out a note I gave him a while ago that he had held onto since February on his desk. For some reason, as long as that was there, I always felt like there was a... hope. It was for a blog that deals with adult attachment styles that I had learned about and had helped me out a lot when everything first went sour in February and I thought maybe it could give him a perspective that maybe he hadn't thought of as far as himself and how he feels or doesn't in relationships. Gone now. In the trash.

You know, this was kind of the last straw thing that I think I needed. It's very painful here now, seeing how he's moved on and bettered without me and thrown my things away, but I guess I needed to actually SEE it for myself. I needed to know there's no lingering me here. I needed to know I was never that important. Now maybe anything that was holding me back from fully moving on will be gone. Now I can be done too. Here's my motivation to making my life 100 fucking times better than his. That my apartment will look 20,000 times better than his. That I will be better because I am. I didn't quit. I wouldn't have quit ever. I reformed and came back with the intention of reforming him and making everything proper and right again. And he didn't even want to try for a second. And I guess in the end that means he could not have cared that much. So I'll keep that in mind. Keep in mind I wasn't worth it, as that'll make it easier to forget him.

And now it is getting dark and I walked over here so I better get going. Goodbye apartment. I really started liking you. You made me happy. You were a part of me. I hope you hate him secretly that he made me leave. I do.