But then what? What does it accomplish? Why is it so important for you to see that, to look upon the fresh bright blood against pale skin? To have a piece of your body exposed and vulnerable to the impurities of your surroundings? Does it make you real again? Does it make you whole? Does it make you whole to cut a piece of yourself out of your own body?
I ponder this. I don't remember the last time I sliced and diced anything from my body, and while that should be a good thing (and yes, it is), it makes me wonder what that pain felt like. Or rather, what that relief felt like. My body has been so unexposed to physical pain lately, or at least the type I crave. A sore ankle or charlie horse won't do it. Not the right kind of pain. The outer kind. The kind that happens from a hit or a fall or a bump or a push or a slice. Inner pain doesn't work on me because it's not the inner part of me that has the problem. It's my skin.
I don't feel particularly suicidal or down or anything right now. But I have nothing else to do with my night but go to bed, and it made me think I could take a little physical out on myself right now. Nothing else to do. Body seems numb. I don't have any marks or cuts or bruises (set aside from a few love bites that while they look great, don't feel like anything), and I don't remember if I know what those feel like. I don't know if I remember that burn that came with the blade or the throb that came with the bruise. So I thought "well...maybe I could."
But then I got to thinking, as the title suggests, I cut open my skin, but then what? For what? I could give you a hundred different reasons as to why I personally feel at this very moment, and all moments when I do this should do this. And it is a little fascinating. How can something raw and vulnerable create such a sense of calm and make someone feel better when they look at it? I long to see the blood, I won't lie. I long to see a deep cut with that gross mixture of bright red and yellow skin tissue all out there in the open. I terribly long to see something on my arms again. I terribly long to feel that soothing burn.
Would it make everything better? Would it solve the problems with bf? When my physical starts getting affected by my mental, my mental reset can usually be taken care of by the physical. I punch myself a few times, maybe make a few slices, would anything underlying in my brain just go away?
We've gotten better since the Destiny incident. Hell, I've even started playing Destiny (I suck at it, but I play it and sometimes actually enjoy it). He let me make an official PSN account so I can feel a part of something and I've downloaded some pinball games that entertain me and that we play together sometimes. I came out with all the shit I had been feeling and he responded in his own way. To make sure I felt a part of something and a part of him and when I mention things about how I'm wired to desire more physical contact or some other sort of thing, he shifts his behavior and I can pick them up. I notice everything that changes. And he's a wonderful guy because of that. Sure, he's never gonna say I love you...But I digress.
So why do I want to physically reset anything? I know I best connect in serious, emotional, and intimate moments. And we all know he can't and won't. Lately I've tried my hardest I guess to just try to study him, to find a connecting moment that we can share, but it's not there. Not like how I see it in my head. He doesn't respond well to solemn, while others would get goosebumps just thinking about a connection like that with someone they care about. He responds to me being happy go lucky and somewhat ridiculous. If I reset, if I cut or bruise, would the solemn desire go away? Would I go back to happy go lucky? Would whatever is holding me back sometimes from normal activities and actions and conversations I usually have go away again?
I sometimes think it will. I don't know for sure, I guess. Haven't tried it. I mean, yet, lately, whatever. Thing is, I don't see why it wouldn't. But two things could happen. I could reset back perfectly and be awesome for a while, or I could find a false sense of reset only to have something worse manifest when he sees the marks and I spiral instead. Lately I've been acutely aware of that spiral feeling that happened last year that broke us up and I've been trying to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. The ironic thing is it started at about this time too. I can't do anything to jeopardize that, not now. We may have had some sort of break through. Some sort of communication. And I can't fuck that up because I go back to my old ways.
That physical pain is so important, as is the visual, it's true. It does calm me, make me feel better. It's a reassurance that I can't get from anything or anyone else. But I know how people would react if they saw it. I've spent this entire time mulling over my head where a good spot on my body would be that wouldn't be seen by my mom tomorrow when we go shopping if I start trying on clothes. Or by bf when I'm prancing around in my cute little t-shirt/panty outfits. The good news is bf is not particularly observant. But my parents are. They've had a lifetime to figure out my shit and are pretty good at it now. Strange when the pros and cons revolve only around who will see the marks on your body, not the actual act of performing them. It's a pretty messed up thing. I'm a pretty messed up person with a pretty messed up body. But here I am. Here I am.
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