This is very strange for me. I'm not sure why I get triggered so easily by one group of people. I'm also not sure why I am still incredibly hesitant and guarded when it comes to them. I think there's an exclusion thing that I'm dealing with, that even when I'm invited into the group setting, it's usually just as a *fifth wheel* who gets to hang out and not engage and interact. I have actually never felt so disappointed with myself that I don't play board games. And I have never been so disappointed with my social anxiety and my striving for perfection and need for comfort when trying something new. This is getting in the way. I just didn't expect this to happen.
What else do I need to do to calm my mind, quiet my fears? I have spent multiple times with these girls, done a road trip with one, so why can I not shake this? I can be there when they make plans, and it still bothers me. Something triggers in me and I can't figure it out. I first understood my reservations because I didn't know what had been going on with him and them after we broke up. And then I understood further when I realized how much he had used them as an excuse to stay away from me, which still involves a lot of remnants of pain for me. But I have acknowledged these, so should they not go away now?
I want to like them, I do. And I mean, I don't hate them or anything. But I tend to feel threatened by big personalities and bigger egos, and well, that's the group. In a way this intimidation or threat isn't a big deal, because I have dealt with many people I've felt that way about that I love now - my first intern supervisor who is now practically a second mother to me, my current boss who isn't anything to be worried about, and even one of my coworkers that I absolutely love to death. The difference is there was so much one on one time and so much observing that I could do because I was around them a lot and maybe that soothed things a lot easier. I want to do some one on one stuff with these girls, but I have a lot of reservations on that. I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I'm this thrown off just thinking about it.
And how can one part of a past affect your present and future so much? Especially when you see it? I'm not gonna lie, I've been flattered when they invite me or even start up conversations with me and sing Wicked songs in the car with me. But it's not enough. Why is it not enough? I don't trust them. I don't trust the "so comfortable in their sexual identity that they impose it on my boyfriend." I don't trust the "I guess I'll be monogamous enough and only sleep with one person but I won't emotionally commit to anyone so I could take what I need from your boyfriend."
Stop. Am I really that afraid of my boyfriend being taken away somehow? Well. Yes. Maybe I'm too fucking traditional now for this hipster society, I don't know. I just see this whole emotional attachment thing as being the biggest factor of a relationship and what connects people the most. If someone else wants to be as close as me to the person I'm in love with who should feel the same way, well, it's a threat. And he can't have it both ways. For a very long time, I was fine with playing that game, the sleep around, screw around, play around, don't attach, no emotional attachment, blah blah blah, and that changed. Because someone came into my life and suddenly became really fucking damn important. I just know what emotional shit means to me, so for someone to throw that around and possibly towards him, well that makes it hard for me. The same thing goes for the sex identity thing too. Congrats you're a model and you love your boobs and all that, and again, I used to be very similar. Course, my lack of concern for my body comes from the fact that I don't like myself period, so anything that could be deemed self damaging, I went for. Which includes random sex, not caring what's hanging out, etc.
And maybe now I just feel like I'm not worth as much, body-wise, if he can see other people anytime he wants, especially ones he hangs out with on a regular basis. My body is just an after thought now maybe, not something he strives to want to be a part of. Granted, it's not like I deny him of anything, after all, I am the more sexual creature here. Yet maybe it's just not appreciated the same anymore.
Fuck girl. The amount of insecurity you have. How did that happen? And what to do about it? You can't use it as a crutch, they will call you weak. They will think you're stupid because you're not strong. You're not "your own person." Social anxiety or not (and I know this comes with the territory), they will think you need to get the fuck over it. And they will have no problem saying that to your face. That's the kind of people they are, unfiltered, somewhat brutal, strong, independent women. And who says I'm not a strong, independent woman? I suffer from some mind shit is all. I suffer from a disorder that I certainly didn't want. I've tried to do my best for self clarity and understanding, and I have insanely improved, but that doesn't stop EVERYTHING. That does not stop the internal fight I have every time I'm around them. And I'm trying so hard to just have fun. And when we get into conversations and get going, it can be. I just don't know why, especially after distance and I hear something about what everyone's gonna be doing next, my body triggers. This is getting too complicated. How do I stop this?
No comments:
Post a Comment