Destiny

So I've had a kinda rough past month. Cool things happened that I think people would be jealous of, and while I don't discount said experiences, I was really miserable and in a lot of pain and had a hard time.

I spent two weeks in the *as far north as you can go* part of Minnesota filming a movie as craft service, which, as I had done briefly in the past, promised to be fairly simple and straight forward with not too much pressure and just me to account for myself and keep myself in check.

Well, it didn't work that way. Turns out craft turned me into a madman, mentally and emotionally not being prepared for the demands and uncertainties that came with trying to provide food for 40 people every day. In an isolated wilderness where I couldn't quick run to starbucks when everyone suddenly needed a quick espresso pick me up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was the miscommunication and big personalities that butted heads and I ended up at their mercy. Then there was the physical aspect of being on my own and trying to haul coolers, tables, cases of drinks, etc, back and forth up rocky hills, through rocky paths, against lake fronts for half a mile. On my own. Craft service was isolating. Everyone had their own little departments that they got to know each other and had common things to talk about during the filming, but I was just there. Just with my food and drinks and car and coolers. It took a huge emotional toll on me. So huge I ended up sick by the 3rd day in. It's been almost exactly a month, and I still have remnants of that sick.

So for two weeks I was isolated and away from anything and everything that ever felt comforting, normal, safe for me. Honestly, I thought it would tear me away from the bf, being there were some charming lovely crew guys there who knew how to talk and had interests like me (often things that lack in this relationship because he just *can't* or maybe at this point *won't* try to do them), but instead it just brought me closer to him. Or at least made me want to be back with him more. As well as my family. Any place safe and comforting. When we got done filming up there, we came back into Minneapolis to film another week and I had 2 days off that I could spend personally any way I wanted. Of course, I just wanted to be with bf, just us, just basking in being together again. But that became short lived and not as important I could tell, to him as it was to me. We were together, but it was the same ol' same ol', play video games, play on your phone, sit beside each other and consider it good. I needed more than that, but there was nothing I could say.

And then there was Valleyfair. For labor day, we have this tradition of going to Valleyfair. There is hardly anyone there since they all go to the state fair and labor day weekend is when they do corn fest so it's all the free corn on the cob you can eat. I was so looking forward to it, as it is our tradition, as well as being our 4 month anniversary of when we got back together. That's also extra special because we went to Valleyfair that day as well. We two work really well when we're out at places, especially places like that because that's where our similarities really lie and everything is just easy. However, I got back from up north and found out someone else was coming with us. Girl that I guess I can say is my friend, but who I still have reservations on, and now have even more since I've been out of the loop for so long. By Monday, I was sick again. Just wiped out and exhausted and physically sick, but dammit I was not going to let him go by himself with her. To a water park. With her in a swim suit. So I went. And it turned out fine. I wasn't as talkative and animated as I would normally be, but it was fine. I rode some rides with him, rode some with her, yea. But it just wasn't enough "us" time since the next day I was back on the shoot.

Halfway through filming, I got news that my great aunt who suffered from Parkinsons wasn't doing well at all and was in a coma, so I had to cut out early (which was a relief as far as the film was concerned) and head home, so again, no time with bf. Her funeral was yesterday. And now I'm back in the city, trying to remember what a normal life was like. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow and that sucks.

I was warned pretty early on, and continually, that bf was getting a PS4 so he could play Destiny, and that that was going to consume his time. Destiny just came out today, and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. He posts about how great it is, how pretty the gaming console is on facebook, and I actually feel replaced. He never posts about me or us, and I guess it upsets me that he can get so excited over an inanimate object but he could care less about a real human. Funny, I suppose, feeling jealous of a game. But the emotion is there, so it's real. He's offered to *let* me "hang out with him" while he's playing it, but that environment just makes me feel bad. It always has when he's gotten wrapped up in a game. I know rationally enough it's not a complete reflection on me, and that he sees it as a totally acceptable way to spend time with me, but the fact is, it is an avoidant technique and he doesn't have to focus emotionally and all his energy on connecting with his girlfriend. I'm coming out of an incredibly isolating, stressful, and emotional month and I need nothing more than some TLC from someone I care about who I thought cared about me, but I know I will not receive that until... Well who knows when? When he gets tired of the game, I suppose. I just can't be with him without some undivided attention. And I won't rain on his parade. This is why I'm not there tonight. It would trigger my body into feeling even more disregarded. Disregard is something I've struggled with my entire life, and one of the worst feelings I can feel. Being in the situation would push me over the edge, even though being separated isn't much better.

It's just funny, I don't know where to go now. I'm alone again, like I was there. I was still surrounded by people (clearly lots too), but every waking moment on that set was another stake in the heart of how alone I was. And now being back here with nothing going on, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't even have the one person that I relied so much on to be there.

I wish I could explain better the strength that emotional connection gives me. Or just how to explain "emotional connection." He doesn't get it and doesn't have it. He has emotions, yes, I suppose, but I still look at him as cold and barren most of the time. He displays affects and emotions, but at the core, he will not connect with them. That is something that is so strongly ingrained in my being, and usually I can accept how he is. But then there are rough times like this where I need what my soul is made out of and craves, and he doesn't give it to me. I've changed and learned and know that I need to say something and explain it out to him, but right now he's in his playtime mode, and I'm not gonna knock that down. So I guess that's what writing is for. I needed to get this out. I think the most important thing I've learned and will ever learn is that we are only here for ourselves. Don't ever rely on someone else for anything, no matter who they are in relation to you. Only care about yourself.

Fucking Destiny.