Feeling Insecure

I'm gonna put this here because... Well, I can.

And I reeally don't have time to try to catch us all up to my life in the past month or so, but here's some highlights:

~Movie magic moments do apparently exist.
~Theme parks are great places to reconnect.
~Sometimes guys need you to leave before they realize that they care.
~And sometimes they need a wake up check to tell them that they need to tell you that.
~So I'm back in a relationship.
~There has been work involved on both ends.
~It's been a month.

K, that worked. But uh, yea. And things have been improved and I have been quite happy and content and have been able to understand and read and believe him more than I did and could before. He's not the easiest person to be in a first relationship with due to how he's wired and the amount of doubt and concern I had was just killing me. But now I see how he works, and that he still can't really do a good feedback response to me when something's upset me and I share it *on the spot*, but it seems the day after he processes it, I get something back. He has also seemed to make an effort to make sure I am ok when I start feeling upset or say so and will go out of his way to call when he's at work and such. Part of this is on me too, since I never could trust or believe that before if he did something like that. I wasn't sure it was genuine I guess. But things fall into place much better now.

Also, distance/separation is a very good thing. We both needed to be alone to figure our own shit out, and had everything not happened the way it did, we wouldn't be where we are now. He needed to realize, I guess, the actual amount and strength of whatever this "caring" was for me (hence being so upset over the guy situation), and I guess when he noticed that, it made him think that he should try this again. And me? Well, we all know I never stopped feeling for him. My actions were "moving on," but nothing else about me was. But the stipulation is this is real, and serious, and we all know how real and serious I am. I can only take him at face value when he says through the best of his working through the disconnect that this is for him. And I know that sounds doubtful, but I also now actually know him a bit better and know where he's acknowledged his emotional downfalls that I do not have. It's also led to actual meaningful conversations, and that was lacking the last time around. Improvements overall. Many improvements. And I take care of myself more. I like my alone time and being away from him. I know I can handle about 2 straight days on a weekend with him before I get worn out and moody. And I appreciate that this break up actually gave me that realization, understanding, and means to stick with it when I'm done.

But right, insecurity. The disclaimer here is that this seems to be a good relationship now. I wouldn't call it 110% functional, but it's not 110% dysfunctional either. It's a huge work in progress, but something I want to be a part of.

However, lately, and this is just more on me personally and mentally and I'm not sure why (which is why I'm writing it out), I've just felt overly secure and horrible about myself. I've also been increasingly nasty and mean about random people that do stupid things or movies or whatever. Super nasty. Venom spewing nasty. I mean, I have my moments, everyone does, but I know that for pretty much a month I was anything but this, and that shows me that this isn't and doesn't have to be my normal state. When we first started dating almost two years ago, this started happening to me too and it made everything fall apart. I ended up in such a hideous headspace that I started projecting things about how he sees me onto him and myself and ruined everything.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. So we don't have sex as much as we did say, oh 3 weeks ago when he couldn't keep his hands off me no matter where we were and I for the most part couldn't either. Now, we've already had talks about how he likes it when I'm the aggressor and that'll definitely get him in the mood (cuz I'm deathly afraid to start something and not have it reciprocated), and when I've said I just can't do it all the time, he just says he's been tired lately and it's been hard to...aggress. And I value sex waay more (as I still see it as a release and relaxation tool and he still sees it as more of a job and work), so I've gotten used to starting things when I want, but now I find that it all feels forced. I can't remember the last time I actually got him to cum, and everything feels a little off and awkward. We're not in sync, and there's such minimal touching. The touching thing is hard for me. I like to be explored, sucked on, bit, eaten out. I like there to be marks on my body. The more and deeper, the better. I like to look claimed. I like sensual hands rubbing over collar bones or rib cages or boobs or wherever. I like my hair and neck being grabbed and pulled into him. I like being pushed down and held. I like feeling passionate kisses.

And unfortunately, this isn't happening. And also unfortunately, all these more "sensual and passionate" things that I desire aren't just sex acts that you can tell the other person to do. They involve the desire and drive behind them that you can't force another human being to have. And I don't know what to do with that when he's just not going to do that. And I get worried when he's been like this for a little while now, always tired and such. I don't want this to end up like before and we both end up in some depression thing again. We've both battled it and it's something I try to pay huge attention to now with him and I don't know. But this gets hard on me. And I feel even worse about my body now that I'm friends with one of his friends who's a model. We're going up to a cabin this weekend and she'll probably be there and now I'm realizing how terrible my body looks and it's wearing on me even further. My size could be fine, yes, but the amount of cellulite and fat pockets and dimples this 27 "non-obese" year old has is ridiculous. My butt is not in the shape of a butt. And I have a double butt. Like a double chin, except under the butt. It's horrible and makes me feel terrible. The rest of the dimpling and puckering of skin on the back of my legs is just as bad. I've somehow put up with it because bf's told me that's something everyone looks past, but right now I just don't know if I can get in a swimsuit, especially if she's around.

I don't know why I'm feeling so inferior and insecure and horrible, but I am. And I don't like feeling secretly competitive with her. I can't compete anyways, I'm not the model. And I can guarantee this is why I'm being a bitch in real life. I'm having a hard time, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm going to be the cause we break up again because this has happened before. I'm so obsessed and focused on trying to not repeat the past with us because this is a fucking important relationship to me that I'd do anything to preserve. So can you imagine how it feels when you think you're the one who is going to ruin it? Sigh. Good talk though.

Speaking of talk, that's just what I'll have to do with him. That's been my new vow for whatever relationship I ended up in next, when I was feeling something that affected me (good or bad), I would acknowledge it and tell the person. I didn't before, and that ruined things. He kinda figured out something was up last night, but honestly? I hadn't been able to put enough thought and process into it to explain anything. And now I have. And it's really scary, having to talk about this stuff. I've done it a few times now and I've been terrified every time. I never know what I think is gonna happen, why I get so nervous. Rejection? Mocking? Getting an answer you don't want to hear? Probably. And I hate that it involves her again, since I've already had "feelings" revolving around her and some others (the gaming buddies that I was afraid to hang out with after we got back together since, well, he used them to avoid me. A little bit of pain there), and I don't want him to think I hate her or something. I don't want him to get annoyed or mad at me about it. I'm trying. Fucking trying.

But yea, there's some insecurity goin on here. I suppose it was a matter of time. I'm hoping it's just a phase. A hormonal thing or something, I don't know.