Oh May, You Need to be Done

Well this has been one hell of a month. One HELL of a month. I cannot emphasize that enough.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I went on a camping trip with a huge group of people to the Dells. It was nerve wracking at first, I didn't know anyone, was incredibly new, everyone seemed to know each other... But it didn't take too long before I somehow had developed two male suitors for the weekend. Well, let's just say, I'm in a rebounding place because, well, shit, why wouldn't I be?

Well, they were fun. Enough I guess. Never mind the one kisses like a fish. Soo awkward. Taught me a lot that that isn't worth it. I didn't feel any better. Just a little dirty and disgusted. Also taught me I have no business in trying to be in a relationship for like a year or something. I felt nothing. And I tried. I tried the hand holding, conversations, jokes, all that jazz. But they left me feeling numb. I just felt forced and then I felt bad cuz these guys both seemed to take some sort of intense liking into me. In ways that the ex never could express and well, that was hard to avoid. End results weren't worth it though. I got out of hand and let things go too far. I still hate myself for that.

Well, needless to say, ex somehow found out about this (thanks to reading over my shoulder when I was texting someone), and just majorly freaked out. I couldn't understand why what I did with another guy would affect him so when he had broken up with me two months ago. Though I was feeling so bad about doing it and hating on myself because of it and feeling bad that I made him feel bad since that had never been my intention in life to hurt him, that I tried to tell him how sorry I was and that if I knew my actions would bother him, I wouldn't have done it. And that's true. But I thought he didn't care anymore. I thought he was done. Well, he barely let me get two words out before he was gone with that stoic stone cold face and I just knew it was officially over. He didn't want to hug me or touch me anymore, or even look at me. The separation would begin. This was Tuesday.

Well, I wake up Wednesday morning to a whole bunch of facebook notifications on my phone and discover he had been "cleaning" up his photos on his phone and facebook and had posted and tagged me in a bunch. Cue incredibly confused Elle here. To top it off, one of the pictures of me got all these comments, some from his dad, and that made me even more sad. I really miss his family. I liked them so much and I know they liked me. They were the first ones to learn about a really good potential film job interview even before my own parents. His dad was proud of me for it. His dad was proud of me because I could out drink him and a whole bunch of army guys when it came to scotch. He said so and actually bragged about it to his friends. So hard losing that.

Anyway that was a slight sidetrack. I cried, called my parents, dad assured me it was passive aggressive whether he knew it or not and assured me that it was all because now ex was getting these feelings that he didn't realize and up until now had not been challenged in any way. Deep down he knew what he was losing. And how close it was to lost. So this "phone clean up" spree was that. I continued on with life, but before I knew it, started getting text messages from the guy. Strangely enough, we had a lovely little text chat about our feelings and the relationship, and this is the first time I can remember him ever saying anything like this. He's just so bad at communicating emotions, SO bad. But having that was huge. He told me all our physical contact was still emotional and that he didn't know what else to do but try to separate all that and turn me into a "friend in his head." I thought he had done that back in March, and told him so. I honestly thought any emotion he had toward me was done, and now he let me know that was never the case? He thought I was trying to change him and was drained from it and that's why he said he was done? I was never trying to change him. Help maybe. I didn't expect things to change just like that, not after all that damage. And I told him it was not my intention and that I was sorry he saw it that way. I had reformed and I guess I wanted to show him what I learned. When he said he was "done trying," I assumed it was the relationship period. All I had ever needed to know was that he still wanted to be a part of this relationship together and I would have stayed. Course, I never got an official answer from that.

Didn't stop him though. Suddenly he became pursuant again and last night invited me over to watch movies and enjoy the internet since I still don't have any in my apartment. Well, he had acted so concerned that he couldn't look at me or touch me again for fear of getting mental images of me fucking another guy that I couldn't figure out how this was going to work. I expected no contact from him until he got over it like he said he had to. But then last night? Well, he seemed VERY over it.

It was like a movie moment, as fucking cliche as that sounds. I had walked over and it is so hot now outside so I was sweltering (also fighting a nasty sunburn from the weekend), so I kept trying to put my hair up or stand in front of the air conditioner. He would laugh and comment that I look good with my hair down and then try to take it down. He let me wear some of his shorts. And after I kept complaining and trying to put my hair up in one of those preppy annoying girl high buns, he finally dragged me to the kitchen where he grabbed a freeze pop and held it against me. Suddenly everything went movie- The standing close, hands on each others waists, the remarks that became soft comments as faces and lips got closer, the studying each other. Then the kissing and the gentle hands tracing the face, neck and shoulder. I fall to it every time, I just instantly start shaking. He noticed and asked if I was cold now and all I could say was "You've always made me weak in the knees." My lips would trace his jaw and neck and it was like exploring each other for the first time.

Anyways, not about to write 50 Shades of Grey here (although mine would probably be better), and needless to say, I ended up there for the night. We acted as if we were together again (which mind you I know is not true and is a dangerous place to be mentally), and it was refreshing. Nah, I secretly hoped this could be that moment, but alas, movie moments don't actually happen in real life. Well, parts of them do as mentioned above, but they don't work like they do in the movies. When he left for work today, he actually came back and gave me a hug in bed and then curled into it and laid with me. He's never done that. Not for like, ever. A year. No joke, at least a year. I could watch him and tell there was something going on in that head. He would look at the clock and then just curl right back to me. How did I get important enough that he'd waste a little extra time for me? And somewhere in the course of all that, he asked if I wanted to go to Valleyfair on Sunday. I didn't give him a definitive answer cuz I have plans with the internet wife this weekend, but again today he texted me to find out the answer.

Well, needless to say, I cannot say no to theme parks. This could get out of hand and I don't want this to. We both have passes, so it's no skin off our backs really to go on Sunday. But now it's up to me to put in some lines and boundaries. If this boy is thinking something, thinking ANYTHING, I need to know. Or else I need to officially move on and away. I understand the separation thing now. And we can't fall into "couple activity" when we are not a couple. It does not separate us and we need to reassess this. But I need to know why he gave up and broke my heart and I need to know if he even understands how to fully commit to a person like I committed to him and if he even can. Because while I was getting all these emotional vibes from him last night, unless he can concretely tell me how he feels and what he wants, I can never be back in a relationship with him. And I don't even know if that was ever an option to begin with, but neither of us did a good job acting apart, as I've said before. But maybe a setting like Valleyfair is a good place for this. Not to get EVERYTHING I just wrote out, but bits, just things to mull on here and there, nothing to drag the mood down, but maybe an actual conversation of substance here and there. Or at least I'll try. I need to know one way or another, and that in itself will take time. But it's up to me to put it into motion.

May has been too much of a month though, all over the place. It just needs to be done.