Chilling Out

So, I've officially hit every level of crazy, haven't I? Some people aren't talking to me anymore and I have a feeling it is a pretty direct result of this blog. Let me just say I don't have anyone in the real world that I can talk to about these fucked up feelings, so I turn to this partially-anonymous blog for solace. While others use the fully-anonymous viewing to steer clear away from me in the real world. Ah well.

It's funny though. For how little I talk about my private life and self in person, I sure let every little detail spill on this blog. I'm a walking contradiction.

But I'm going to try to chill out. Make my crazy go away. Ok, it won't actually go away but hopefully that intense angst fueled fire has gone out. I'll be changing the title of this thing soon. I think it's obvious now I have some sort of mental personality disorder and since I'm apparently not going to do anything to fix it, there's no reason to have this thing structured the way it is. It was once going to be about self-help, but instead it turned into a sniveling hot bed of whining and self victimizing. I'll probably change it to something along the lines of my struggles with my faith, my life, and my April Rhodes complex.

This was my proof, by the way, that no one likes a person with a mental disorder of any sort. People have always said if a person really cares about you, your downfall doesn't matter, even if it's self-loathing or self-infliction or anorexia or aspergers or borderline personality disorder. It's just not true. The people like me? The ones who were created broken or with missing parts? We're on our own. Best we can do is hide our truth, self medicate what we need, and just pray to God that we don't let our masks slip for one millisecond when we're out in the real world.

So. I'll chill. Sorry for the inconvenience of making you uncomfortable.

Good Friday

I have 15 minutes before I leave for work. I'll type fast.

Why do people celebrate Good Friday? Yea yea Jesus died for our sins praise Him. All good and well, except one problem: Jesus was MURDERED on this day. He was MURDERED for a species that DID NOT deserve the sacrifice He made. Which is why they all fall on their knees and scream "praise him." They damn well better! As far as I'm concerned they and we all should be in hell right now. And I wish we all were.

I'm not having a good day, can you tell? I'm going to a job where a pervert stalker of a 60 year old man keeps seeking me out to "talk" to me and "be nice" by trying to give me back rubs. And I'm supposed to stay in that environment for about 12 hours today. Not joking the time. Really not joking. And to top off the icing of an already 27 tiered cake, my grandma is pretty much on her death bed. So dehydrated that her kidney isn't working. She's not going to the hospital because if they pump fluid in her and her kidney still refuses to work, fluid will just collect in her body in places that aren't good. I hear she's comfortable, but I'm not. I'm not happy.

I am so angry at the world. So so so angry. I've never been this angry. I keep having Ally McBeal moments where I'm ripping heads off people that appear in front of me or screaming and having fire coming out of my mouth. Or throwing a punch and my had suddenly becomes a lion claw and I just tear through all the people I'm mad at. This is just ridiculous.

Should I be working a 12+ hour shift when I don't know how much longer my grandma has? The only reason is my dumbass employers don't keep enough people employed and I'm pretty much responsible for this entire damn day. Well, what if things come up, hm? Guess what, THEY DID! I hate you I hate you I hate you!

The end.

Where Is My Mind?

I apologize for any typos. I do not condone blogging after drinking a bit of alcohol. And I'm sorry in advance.

Seriously, I am.

I've had very few moments where the depressant of alcohol actually has kicked in. But I think this is one of those moments.

I don't condone this. Honestly, I don't. And I think it's ok that one should hate a person like me who thinks getting drunk is the only answer to one's problems. I'm totally ok with that. It's ok ya'll. It's ok. It's really ok.

And honestly, I don't know why I'm writing right now. Maybe because I couldn't find a pen to write this on a standard notebook that would ever get out to the real world. It probably would've been safer. But I've had a few drinks and I just can't muster going on a search for something like a pen in an unfamiliar home.

I seem to only bond with certain people when I'm drinking. And I'm actually not necessarily ok with that. However, it's a norm and therefore something I actually enjoy because it's become the norm. And I enjoy feeling off kilter in the world. Oftentimes I'm so centered and so strong and so undefied (not a word) that it seems like I have no weakness and no problem in the world. But I do. Oh I do.

And I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. It's already after 3 am and I'm apparently wide awake. Turns out I'm very good at bowling and frisbee golf on the Wii when I'm like this. But turns out I get tired of being around yet another couple. No, it's fine. It really is. They're married and they deserve each other and they should reap their benefits just fine. And I'm fine with that. But.

Who the hell am I? Who am I to come waltzing into this household once a month pretending I'm worth such a great friendship when really I've had an incredibly rocky relationship with this guy since I've known him and when this girl has moved on with her life and actually made progress? Who the hell do I think I am? Really? Who?

The truth is, except for one childhood friend who lives 5 states away, all my friends have become married couples and living some happy life. I've really enjoyed being single and doing what I thought was fun. But now, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing in life. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. I know I've fucked it up. I just have that feeling. But as I was sitting in their living room in the pitch black all alone (give or take a cat or two), I just realized how hopeless I really was. I realized so much I've been denying and pretending didn't exist. But the annoying thing is just cause you pretend it doesn't exist doesn't mean it's not there.

Fact of the matter is, I don't know how to do dating or relationships. My dad was right. I meet one person one time and then I try to avoid them after that. I chalk it up to not having the "connection" there, but who the hell am I kidding? I wouldn't know what that connection was if it bit me in the ass. If it's not a drunken one night stand in which I give a fake name and walk away the next day never to return, I can't do it. You know how pathetic that is by the way? It's really pathetic. Really low. I'm just so... Low.

I also can't feel my teeth at this point. I think that's my favorite reason I like to drink. I can't feel anything. No doubt I'll wake up with bite marks and bruises and scratches tomorrow only because I wanted to test just how little I felt. It's not a big deal. Or rather, I don't think it is. I'm used to self destructive behavior, so a little bruise with teeth marks is really not a problem.

But I know there's a problem when I try so damn hard not to feel and I go out of my way to drink the highest proof alcohol I can find. I'm getting too tolerant of this stuff and I suppose that can't be good. But I really, really, like not feeling physical things. And I really like knowing I become more talkative. Especially around people I don't know how to talk to if I'm sober. I honestly don't see why it is such a crime to lubricate your interpersonal skills when you're so deathly afraid of other people as I am. This seems to be the same thing as anti-depressants. So what the hell is the big deal? I know my limits. I think.

I'm frustrated. I got my old job back at a theatre and actually felt like I had a purpose in life again. I was loving everything that was happening. Then I drove down south to spend time with friends and suddenly I got bitch slapped in the face by some sort of reality or actuality I would have preferred not to know about. Honestly, I'm just mad at myself. I probably should have never started drinking. But I value that so much. I've never valued real life and it's probably shown. I just hate it. I don't see why a person with a Christian faith or conviction needs to live on this earth or with this human life. The Bible always talks about how we belong beside our Father, God, in Heaven. So why the hell do I even need to be here? It's better I escape for the time being until I can finally die isn't it? This mortal life isn't important; eternity beside my Father is. Isn't it? I feel worthless here. I have a feeling I wouldn't feel that way if I was in Heaven. Or so I hope.

By the way, this blog title is another song from the Sucker Punch soundtrack in case you were wondering. You should look it up; it's beautiful. It shouldn't be any surprise that all I've listened to lately were songs from that soundtrack. It's just that that movie is the best escapism movie I've seen in a long time and the songs really reflect that.

And I guess with that I've lost purpose of this entry. Guess I just needed to get something out. But now I want to go to sleep and maybe pretend this never happened. Never works though. I always remember everything.

Asleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone

Don't try to wake me in the morning
Cuz I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart,
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart,
I really want to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep

There is another world
There is a better world
Well there must be
There must be

There is another world


~Asleep~Emily Browning cover~Sucker Punch soundtrack.

This is all I want.

The Truth of the Matter

The truth of the matter is...

~Now that I've been so isolated from everyday society, I am more dysfunctional than ever and scared out of my mind.
~I've come to the conclusion that it's a lot easier to go to a bar to find a random hookup for the night, complete the transaction, and then be on your way the next day without ever needing to worry about the person again.
~I only say that because I've realized that I don't know how to have a decent, intimate relationship with a person that isn't strictly physical in some way. I'm afraid to talk about feelings, I'm afraid to say sincere things, and I don't have the interpersonal communication ability to even evoke that I'm interested enough in a person to go out for coffee. To top it off I'm as suspicious as hell of everyone I see.
~I'm learning I get entirely too uncomfortable when I'm in a public place and I see people looking at me. I react viscerally. And not in a good way.
~I have always insulted, battered, and mocked marriage for the sole reason I don't believe I can ever get married. People don't like crazy people. No one would want to be around this.
~Same goes with kids. I refuse to have children. These genes will go no further after me. No child deserves that.
~I am incredibly reliant on alcohol. I think about it a lot. I think about how the next time I can hang with friends where we can drink how much fun I'm going to have and how much more happy and conversational I'll be.
~I spent 10 minutes today comparing my arms to the arms of a Macy's male mannequin. I wanted to see if their ideal male figure was still bigger than my figure. I don't like the idea of being bigger than men.
~My parents have been badgering me to do something with my life. I sit silent because the only thing I want to do is scream at them "I want to die."
~I wear a lot of makeup to compensate for everything that's wrong with me on the inside. Ironically, it's probably the reason people look at me. So I'm really not doing myself any favors.
~I sleep 12+ hours a day because my dreams are so much better than my reality. I really am loving them and I can't wait to get back to them.
~I've weakened myself down so much that sometimes I feel like I can barely breathe. My reality is a desolate one, but it is the truth of me.
~My family is falling apart around me, so I'm trying to pretend there's nothing wrong with me. Between my aunt losing her job, my cousin getting a partially collapsed lung, and my grandma in the hospital from respiratory failure, my family has enough to worry about let alone some whining from some stupid pathetic suicidal psychopath of a girl.
~I really thought this would end in high school. I really just thought I was going through the usual "teenage angst" phase and that by the time I was grown up, I'd be fine and normal and stable with a lot of friends and relationships, a good attitude, healthy weight, and career. I never took into consideration that a personality disorder affects you as long as you live. But I never knew I had one.
~I keep thinking a lot about hurting myself. I know though if I'm going to do it, I better do it now. Scars last at least 2 months and soon it's gonna be too warm to wear long sleeves all the time.
~I get really freaked out when I know people have been talking about me or thinking about me or taking me into consideration for something. It just feels weird. I live with the mentality that the 7 billion people on this world don't give a damn about you so I just assume literally no one does, friends or otherwise.
~I just don't understand why I can't find true peace in my faith. After my "entity touching me" incident, I haven't had anymore incidents, and only a few possession dreams that weren't as intense before, but I'm not any happier. And I don't want to whine to God about my problems, so I guess I don't talk to him as much as I have in the past. I mean seriously, can you say self-centered? God doesn't need that.

And the truth of the matter is...

Moot.

Screw You Rollercoaster

Update on my non-existent no-one-gives-a-damn life:

I had a second interview for a production intern. All seemed well, I seemed in, she seemed ready to get me going, she was going to get schedules worked out and then email everyone...

Week and a half later and nothing. And this time, I'm beyond the point of fighting for this shit. Whoever these people are, they are assholes. They lied about positions for me and they couldn't even give me a "sorry we just don't think you're right" email out of gratitude. If this is the industry, count me out. I don't need to be around lying, disrespectful, pretentious assholes. Ya'll can go to hell. You hear that God? They're going to hell.

And I'll still play the "God has a plan for me and I'll let him lead me" card, but I can't wait for something that is never going to happen. I just wanted to know if I was going in the right direction career-wise or if I should start looking for some clerical assistant position to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't get an answer. But I didn't get this chance on a film, so I guess that means I need to clip my wings, knock myself off this pedestal, and submit to a typical Midwestern lifestyle. I can live at home, work in an office, and go out to the bars on weekends.

Speaking of bars and weekends... This past weekend I actually decided to drive the three hours south to visit a friend who was celebrating her husband's birthday. Oh there's a lot of back story with us three needless to say, but I bit the bullet because I have been SO isolated. Haven't been hanging out with my friends up here because I hit my quota of coupleness. So how ironic I went down to spend a weekend with another couple. Hypocrite much?

It turned out to be ok, and possibly more pleasant than my usual normal visits with friends up here. Although the drinking part may have helped that. I told my mom I could handle being around him if I was drunk, and I was right. But also it was nice because she has girlfriends that we can hang out with as well. And they all have boyfriends, but that wasn't the big deal. It was girls' night out. And it was fun going out to Chinese, just the five of us. In a lot of ways, I really just wanted to stay down there. I'm not doing anything with my life, so there's no reason I can't just stay at some random person's house and hang and not do anything there with them. And I think the hubby wanted to bond with me a little more. And honestly? I kinda wanted to bond with him a bit more too.

Downside. I cannot be in environments with cats. Even though they had a very nice closed off guest room I could sleep in, it did not stop my allergies from attacking me. By the end of the weekend I could barely talk from a sore throat, and my sinuses were relentless. Two days later and I'm still fighting off a sinus infection. I would love to go visit them again. But if that happens, I'm staying at a hotel.

Best part of the weekend is I didn't have to think about anything. I could just have fun and wonder what hairstyle I would do the next day. The second I came home, a rush of disappointment and pain came screaming back to me. Now I'm back in a limbo of dissatisfaction, frustration, and turmoil. Nothing changed over the weekend. And of course it wouldn't have because I have to change it. But I'm still stuck trying to understand who I am and where to go. The girls I hung out with were all nurses, which was cool and I liked hearing their stories. But I didn't completely fit after all. I'm a wild card. People say I'm unique, but being unique doesn't make your path of life any easier.

I guess it's a good thing I'm still sick. I'm allowed to go to bed early (er). And I'm allowed to dope myself up on medication. I really hope I sleep through the night this time.

So screw you, rollercoaster of emotions. You're done. No more ups and downs. I'm back to the down. Just how I like it.

Rollercoaster Part 2

This is called irony: Going off on an angry rant about how people don't call you back after a job interview only to find out the next day they email you and say they want you to come in and talk to the director to be his assistant. Hah.

So of course I email back enthralled out of my mind saying I'm open the next days he suggested so whatever would be their convenience I would be fine with. Then nothing.

Wow, is this what the film industry is all about? I would think there are deadlines and a fast paced environments where they need all the people (especially lackeys) that they can get as soon as possible. And if someone is practically throwing themselves at you, you'd snatch them up as soon as possible. It's free help. And much less of a load for you. I would take advantage of that. I also have a feeling I would be scheduling when to hire what and how soon to help for the short nature of pre-production. But I'm sure it's been insane crazy over there and I can't really talk since I've never done any of it before. I just think I could benefit them greatly since I thrive on schedules, structure, and organization.

Anyways, few days later I emailed him pretty bluntly to say "when can I come in." Next day, got a phone call saying the director is holding off on the idea of an assistant, but they'd love to put me in a different department. I chose the art department, he said he'd pass my resume along that way, and thus was the end of that. And that phone call was two days ago.

I'm not feeling at breaking point like I did last time about this whole thing. Is this God's way of toughening me up for the industry? Spose it could be. And that's fine. I'm going to need to be resilient and brazen and aggressive in this, I can tell. Ok, bring it on. I can't see myself doing anything else so I'm going to fight tooth and claw for this. And if all else, it's the art department, they deal with sets and props a majority of the time so maybe there is a good chance of me getting to work during filming. After all, it doesn't start filming til the 21st. There is still always hope. Until April, there will be hope.

And until April, I've decided to hold off looking too terribly hard for any temp jobs or anything here. Finally got the ok from my mom and I think my dad had been fine with whatever scheme I had concocted in my head since I moved back here. For me, the idea of getting this chance to work on a movie isn't about the glory or the name or the credit, but my identity. I spent a lot of time with a few friends this past weekend (and finally got to drink a little again since New Year's Eve), but the more I'm with them, the stronger I feel a bit of a separation in who we are as well-defined adults. We're no longer 15 years old running around in malls and having absolutely everything in common because we're 15. We are adults with clear interests and points of views and beliefs and passions. And it's scary in a way to think that because of this stage, we're not nearly as close nor will we ever be again. There's no reason to not spend time with them and have fun and all, but conversations are shallow. Deep topics are not delved into. I mean, we're not shallow like vain or anything, but it's a lot of surface conversations. Shows we like to watch, where we ate out last time, what our Sims characters have been up to, sometimes I throw Chenoweth in there, and music is always up there as well. And if we're at their house, there are puppies and they are the things I gravitate to the most. You don't have to talk to dogs if you don't want to. I find I talk to them more.

For me, keeping the identity and air of the cities is very important. I've been looking for a way to get out there at least once a week just so I stay connected to it and maybe meet new people over there. You could never tell if that would lead to a potential roommate situation or a job offer. And after I was told by a person I respect as a city dweller that he would have never known I was from the country, I want to keep that. I do dress a little differently than the country, if I go out anywhere, no matter how short a time, I wear make up. I think it's subdued and natural, but around my friends I can see where it looks made up. Yes, I always wear mascara because it makes my eyes pop. And sometimes my eye shadow shades look a bit dark or smoky, but once again because they make my eyes pop. I don't wear crazy lip colors or get my nails done, and I don't wear skinny jeans (hips are too big), but I like heels and dark wash jeans. And for the winter I enjoy my peacoat and I'm sorry it's from Guess. I also love my Eileen Fisher arm warmers. But that's my personal style and I never try to out-do anyone.

Plus, I'm just thrilled to see arm warmers as an official fashion trend. I've been wearing them since high school back when they were "punk" and "goth" and so not in.

I know the way we look shouldn't be a big deal, but I think we all know by now that sometimes it is. It's just a matter of where I feel comfortable I guess and sometimes I wonder what my group of people would be if I was living over in the cities for a much longer period of time than I got to. And sometimes I get scared that I'll go back too much to the defeatist blue collar country attitude. And that scares me. Sure, no job I'd get here would be any level up lackey minimum wage status, but it's the mentality that I see all around me that I don't have nor do I want to have it. And over the weekend? I was a little scared because if you observed us from the outside, we were in situations I never wanted to be a part of. Situations that almost fit the stereotype I was trying so hard not to join.

And that's why until I know for sure this movie thing isn't going to pan out, I'm not quite ready to bite the bullet yet. And if I do, I WILL. I know when to sacrifice. I know when it's time to do something that really isn't favorable, but I need to do it for the greater good. And I won't complain because I know. And it probably won't be the worst thing in the world because I will at least be socializing and around people and face it, even the most introverted of introverts (that would be me) still need to meet their quota of socialization. In the end, I'm not above anyone else. I don't fit properly, no. But I am no holier than the next nor do I deserve any special recognition or treatment. I just need to try to keep an identity of a better life intact within.