The Truth of the Matter

The truth of the matter is...

~Now that I've been so isolated from everyday society, I am more dysfunctional than ever and scared out of my mind.
~I've come to the conclusion that it's a lot easier to go to a bar to find a random hookup for the night, complete the transaction, and then be on your way the next day without ever needing to worry about the person again.
~I only say that because I've realized that I don't know how to have a decent, intimate relationship with a person that isn't strictly physical in some way. I'm afraid to talk about feelings, I'm afraid to say sincere things, and I don't have the interpersonal communication ability to even evoke that I'm interested enough in a person to go out for coffee. To top it off I'm as suspicious as hell of everyone I see.
~I'm learning I get entirely too uncomfortable when I'm in a public place and I see people looking at me. I react viscerally. And not in a good way.
~I have always insulted, battered, and mocked marriage for the sole reason I don't believe I can ever get married. People don't like crazy people. No one would want to be around this.
~Same goes with kids. I refuse to have children. These genes will go no further after me. No child deserves that.
~I am incredibly reliant on alcohol. I think about it a lot. I think about how the next time I can hang with friends where we can drink how much fun I'm going to have and how much more happy and conversational I'll be.
~I spent 10 minutes today comparing my arms to the arms of a Macy's male mannequin. I wanted to see if their ideal male figure was still bigger than my figure. I don't like the idea of being bigger than men.
~My parents have been badgering me to do something with my life. I sit silent because the only thing I want to do is scream at them "I want to die."
~I wear a lot of makeup to compensate for everything that's wrong with me on the inside. Ironically, it's probably the reason people look at me. So I'm really not doing myself any favors.
~I sleep 12+ hours a day because my dreams are so much better than my reality. I really am loving them and I can't wait to get back to them.
~I've weakened myself down so much that sometimes I feel like I can barely breathe. My reality is a desolate one, but it is the truth of me.
~My family is falling apart around me, so I'm trying to pretend there's nothing wrong with me. Between my aunt losing her job, my cousin getting a partially collapsed lung, and my grandma in the hospital from respiratory failure, my family has enough to worry about let alone some whining from some stupid pathetic suicidal psychopath of a girl.
~I really thought this would end in high school. I really just thought I was going through the usual "teenage angst" phase and that by the time I was grown up, I'd be fine and normal and stable with a lot of friends and relationships, a good attitude, healthy weight, and career. I never took into consideration that a personality disorder affects you as long as you live. But I never knew I had one.
~I keep thinking a lot about hurting myself. I know though if I'm going to do it, I better do it now. Scars last at least 2 months and soon it's gonna be too warm to wear long sleeves all the time.
~I get really freaked out when I know people have been talking about me or thinking about me or taking me into consideration for something. It just feels weird. I live with the mentality that the 7 billion people on this world don't give a damn about you so I just assume literally no one does, friends or otherwise.
~I just don't understand why I can't find true peace in my faith. After my "entity touching me" incident, I haven't had anymore incidents, and only a few possession dreams that weren't as intense before, but I'm not any happier. And I don't want to whine to God about my problems, so I guess I don't talk to him as much as I have in the past. I mean seriously, can you say self-centered? God doesn't need that.

And the truth of the matter is...

Moot.