Where Is My Mind?

I apologize for any typos. I do not condone blogging after drinking a bit of alcohol. And I'm sorry in advance.

Seriously, I am.

I've had very few moments where the depressant of alcohol actually has kicked in. But I think this is one of those moments.

I don't condone this. Honestly, I don't. And I think it's ok that one should hate a person like me who thinks getting drunk is the only answer to one's problems. I'm totally ok with that. It's ok ya'll. It's ok. It's really ok.

And honestly, I don't know why I'm writing right now. Maybe because I couldn't find a pen to write this on a standard notebook that would ever get out to the real world. It probably would've been safer. But I've had a few drinks and I just can't muster going on a search for something like a pen in an unfamiliar home.

I seem to only bond with certain people when I'm drinking. And I'm actually not necessarily ok with that. However, it's a norm and therefore something I actually enjoy because it's become the norm. And I enjoy feeling off kilter in the world. Oftentimes I'm so centered and so strong and so undefied (not a word) that it seems like I have no weakness and no problem in the world. But I do. Oh I do.

And I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. It's already after 3 am and I'm apparently wide awake. Turns out I'm very good at bowling and frisbee golf on the Wii when I'm like this. But turns out I get tired of being around yet another couple. No, it's fine. It really is. They're married and they deserve each other and they should reap their benefits just fine. And I'm fine with that. But.

Who the hell am I? Who am I to come waltzing into this household once a month pretending I'm worth such a great friendship when really I've had an incredibly rocky relationship with this guy since I've known him and when this girl has moved on with her life and actually made progress? Who the hell do I think I am? Really? Who?

The truth is, except for one childhood friend who lives 5 states away, all my friends have become married couples and living some happy life. I've really enjoyed being single and doing what I thought was fun. But now, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing in life. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. I know I've fucked it up. I just have that feeling. But as I was sitting in their living room in the pitch black all alone (give or take a cat or two), I just realized how hopeless I really was. I realized so much I've been denying and pretending didn't exist. But the annoying thing is just cause you pretend it doesn't exist doesn't mean it's not there.

Fact of the matter is, I don't know how to do dating or relationships. My dad was right. I meet one person one time and then I try to avoid them after that. I chalk it up to not having the "connection" there, but who the hell am I kidding? I wouldn't know what that connection was if it bit me in the ass. If it's not a drunken one night stand in which I give a fake name and walk away the next day never to return, I can't do it. You know how pathetic that is by the way? It's really pathetic. Really low. I'm just so... Low.

I also can't feel my teeth at this point. I think that's my favorite reason I like to drink. I can't feel anything. No doubt I'll wake up with bite marks and bruises and scratches tomorrow only because I wanted to test just how little I felt. It's not a big deal. Or rather, I don't think it is. I'm used to self destructive behavior, so a little bruise with teeth marks is really not a problem.

But I know there's a problem when I try so damn hard not to feel and I go out of my way to drink the highest proof alcohol I can find. I'm getting too tolerant of this stuff and I suppose that can't be good. But I really, really, like not feeling physical things. And I really like knowing I become more talkative. Especially around people I don't know how to talk to if I'm sober. I honestly don't see why it is such a crime to lubricate your interpersonal skills when you're so deathly afraid of other people as I am. This seems to be the same thing as anti-depressants. So what the hell is the big deal? I know my limits. I think.

I'm frustrated. I got my old job back at a theatre and actually felt like I had a purpose in life again. I was loving everything that was happening. Then I drove down south to spend time with friends and suddenly I got bitch slapped in the face by some sort of reality or actuality I would have preferred not to know about. Honestly, I'm just mad at myself. I probably should have never started drinking. But I value that so much. I've never valued real life and it's probably shown. I just hate it. I don't see why a person with a Christian faith or conviction needs to live on this earth or with this human life. The Bible always talks about how we belong beside our Father, God, in Heaven. So why the hell do I even need to be here? It's better I escape for the time being until I can finally die isn't it? This mortal life isn't important; eternity beside my Father is. Isn't it? I feel worthless here. I have a feeling I wouldn't feel that way if I was in Heaven. Or so I hope.

By the way, this blog title is another song from the Sucker Punch soundtrack in case you were wondering. You should look it up; it's beautiful. It shouldn't be any surprise that all I've listened to lately were songs from that soundtrack. It's just that that movie is the best escapism movie I've seen in a long time and the songs really reflect that.

And I guess with that I've lost purpose of this entry. Guess I just needed to get something out. But now I want to go to sleep and maybe pretend this never happened. Never works though. I always remember everything.