So this has been in the works in my head for a while now, but I finally decided to do something about it. I have not felt particularly good about myself for quite some time, and pretty much now that I'm back home I really want to focus on fixing myself. I know this will take a lot. It's gonna involve therapy and dieting and working out and finding a job and hankering down on my screenplay and it's gonna be a lot of ridiculous nonsense, but if it can make me feel better about myself, I have to do it. So today was step one. Day one. I've vowed to work out every day for two hours indefinitely. I don't really have much of a timeline, but I found a swimsuit I got a year or two ago that I really love and decided I was going to try to fit back into it. Don't know *when* I want to fit into it, I guess in theory the sooner the better, but being February I'm not seeing much of a rush. However I'm an impatient person who tends to get discouraged easily so I figure if I go with a somewhat rigorous regimen then maybe I'll see results quicker. I hope.
So that's what I did. Put on the swimsuit, discovered just how much weight I've gained, took "before" pictures that NO ONE will ever see cause well, ew, measured my bust, waist, low waist, and hips to find I'm pretty disproportionate and that I don't even have the measurements that fit the "hourglass" shape, recorded it all and proceeded to work my ass off. Ran out of things to do so I only managed an hour and a half, but that's good enough. Most of it was cardio which was the main need anyway.
Shallow? You betcha. Skin deep? Hell yes. Vain? Fuck yea. But there is something to be said for feeling better about who you are on the outside. When you're unhappy with that, you tend to be unhappy with everything about yourself. Or at least I am. I just want one part of me to look nice. I've got a lot of mental baggage to deal with, but at least if I knew I looked decent in a swimsuit or at least healthy, it'd be a start. Physical appearance is a terrible confident buster and anyone who says otherwise is lying. Or else they're Victoria's Secret models. And I'm not looking to turn into a size zero, but I am looking to turn into a healthy person. And seriously, I just want to feel good about ONE thing about myself, even if it is just what I look like. And maybe I will feel better. After all, exercise releases happy endorphins or so I hear...
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