Recaps

Okey dokey. Recap on the past week (Don't know why I need to give one, but I'm going to.):

I went back to a volleyball league at a bar that I used to play in with coworkers. Funny thing is, now we have two teams instead of one, and there is only one coworker left. The funnier thing is the three people I asked to come with to substitute once in a while back in the day are now official members of the teams. First day I showed up, they were telling me that they were talking the other day about how they even knew each other and then remembered "Oh yea, Elle introduced us! Where is she? She just brings people together and disappears."

That statement is pretty much how I've always lived my life. I try to become a part of something, and maybe I am for a little while, but I never feel completely comfortable and ultimately I disappear from it.

Moving on. Some of my friends have reached out to me a bit since I came back home and want me to spend weekends with them and such so I have. They just got puppies a few months ago and I love playing with them. I also admit that I can really notice that this was actually "reaching out." For so long in my life I've been used to being solitary and content at that so when people said what are you doing this day and I can't do something with them, I just blow off the idea of ever hanging with them period because it never occurred to me I should. Things are getting more clear to me with these invites and the tones of voices that these people are serious about me spending time with them, even if it is only to get out of this solitary household.

I have also now officially visited one of my closest friends who's married and lives a little south of me. I've avoided it because I really don't like her husband much. Maybe he's ok now, but I just remember he was a jerk to her a lot when they were younger and he'd get drunk and play Halo all day and night with his brothers. And ironically I was the maid of honor in their wedding. It's funny, I know. And when I visited it wasn't really bad or anything. I suppose I could handle going down there for a weekend to go out with her and stuff since I think she likes me more than the girls she knows down there. And if we all remember correctly, I suddenly enjoy drinking and being out somewhere where I can lie about who I am. It's really a wonder I haven't gone down there and done it sooner.

Oh yea, I've also got my old job back at the theatre I worked in. Well, technically I guess it hasn't been official yet, but the paperwork is done and such and I know they like me and want me back and need me back so I'm pretty much saying I have it back. February is slow, so there isn't much opportunity for me to work there at the moment. But it'll pick up. This is the slow part of the show season. Of course, this isn't good enough for my parents and they're harping on me to go find a real job. But honestly, when I hear that, I just feel weak and I close up. It's too sensitive, this job thing. Going from some place with the most potential in art and film to a place where the best potential is in a convenience store is just so hard for me to grasp. I don't want to look snobbish or pretentious, but inside I'm having a difficult time working that out.

The other night I had something happen to me that was straight out of a horror movie. It's not impossibly outrageous, but it's outrageous enough that I haven't bothered telling friends or family (except my parents) because it would be denied as reality. Yet I know very well it was. I fell asleep with a headache and had an herbal heat wrap over my forehead to soothe it. A few hours later I woke up on my back and could only see through a little spot between the wrap and my nose. Not ten seconds after my eyes adjusted, something round and pitch black moved in front of my vision and covered it completely. A second later, it felt like something was rubbing my stomach. There were a lot of "God help"s being cried out, and it did fade. But it was a literal fade. Something that didn't belong was in my room and touching me? That really isn't ok. And I'm all too connected to the spiritual side of how the world works that this time I knew it wasn't just a trick of the mind. Needless to say, I now sleep with a night light, music playing, and a Bible beside me. Hasn't happened again. But that doesn't mean I don't expect it to happen any day now.

Speaking of such matters, I actually went to a church service the other Sunday ago. It was all right. Just fine actually. I never usually have a problem with the actual services and I'm not sure I ever have, but I didn't feel any more in place or accepted. Once again I couldn't tell the demographic of where I was, but I certainly couldn't spot any people that I identified with. It's a problem, questioning where you're supposed to belong in this faith and then having violent dreams of possession and ultimately something in your very presence in the real world touching you. Sometimes I just sit wondering. Who am I? What am I? And is what I think having faith is enough?

Well ok then. Til next time.