Had something so fantastically awesome happen to me. I applied to be an intern for an indie movie in the "general area" aka next biggest city over because well, that's what I've wanted to do for so long. My dream career is in the film industry and I have to get experience somehow. So on a whim emailed in my resume and availability. Next day I got a call, talked with the production coordinator and scheduled a time to come in and do an interview. How thrilling! Life just suddenly took off, it was fantastic. In a few short days I could be well on my way to bigger things. Yes, long hours, no pay as an intern, small pay if I got moved up to set PA, but it was the experience and connections I was dreaming of. Yea, there was sacrifice involved, I'm an hour and a half away. But it's my self sacrifice and it is worth it because the experience is the key.
So I got a hotel room for the night before my interview and decided to go drive and find the place the night before so I'd know where I'd be going and lo and behold, I get a call to reschedule. Which isn't that untypical in the industry. Things come up and throw other things off easily, especially when still in the pre-production process. And it wasn't a huge deal, though I ended up having this hotel room for no reason. But I just went shopping then the next day. Ever the girly girl.
When the interview time did come, it was crazy. Super exciting walking into this awesome production building that just went on for miles it seemed. The people were young and professional and definitely not from the country. Talked with two guys, and it was a pretty generic "this is who I am, what I've done, what I see, and what I like" and things seemed well. He mentioned a director's assistant position that I'd be a good candidate for and all I could think of was "that would be so much better than intern!" The one concern was my location, which I tried to assure was not a problem (as clearly it wasn't if I was already staying in hotels for them). One mentioned maybe I should come in again, and ultimately they agreed they'd let me know over the weekend.
The weekend ended three days ago.
I just want to say, I'm not the kind of person who has this desire to walk around ecstatically happy my entire life. I don't believe that is achievable and I believe it's foolish. Contentment is the best I ask for. So when you throw something above ecstatic in my path and make me actually believe it and then rip it out from under me, I'm not ok with it. I am ok with living sadly actually. I'm really fine with that. But I'm not ok with my emotions being toyed with. If you want me down, just keep me down. Don't lift me up briefly with hope and then kick me back down and continue kicking me. Because for the first time in a month, I was actually feeling really good. And now I'm at rock bottom again.
I know people are constantly rejected a lot, but I don't even have the courtesy of being in an area where my job interest is available. So when something comes along, it's rare. And when I'm rejected, it makes it all the more difficult to see a future of trying again. I've always known the risk this industry poses with criticism and rejection and competition, and I have always been willing to take that on. God knows why, I certainly don't since I hate all three of those things. But this is the only industry I see myself in, so I can push that aside and battle through them. But I'm over here now, in the middle of nowhere. Just another country hick. No connections, no options. I just needed this one time to just get my name around. And now? There may as well be a brick wall that hour and a half between here and there. I'm isolated again.
I tried so hard to not get my hopes up, or at least pretend I wasn't. Clearly it didn't work. Clearly I'm paying for it. I'm always paying. Everything happens for a reason, and so far it seems that reason is that I'm supposed to feel punished. What did I do wrong that warrants this? I mean, I'm not a saint I suppose. I try to not be objectable in God's eyes, but let's face it, I have a potty mouth, I like going out and lying to random strangers, I enjoy being drunk, I constantly wish the entire world and it's inhabitants were burning in hell, I don't read the Bible much, and I'm having issues praying. I suppose that's good enough to put me in the hot seat. It's this karma thing, God or no God. I guess my karma isn't very good. And it looks like it doesn't have an expiration date, so things I've done 10 years ago still affect what happens to me today.
And I'm so angry at them! Was it because of my location? That's not a big fucking deal and I'm pretty sure they knew it since they all started low on the totem poles themselves once and probably had to do the same damn thing! Was it because I was a little intimidated and hesitant? I never mentioned that once, and I tried not to show it, but face it, when someone tells you you'll be with the director 24/7 pretty much taking notes of everything he does and what he says and what people say to him, I think it's a little understandable to be taken aback. So it would have been a huge change from this stagnant lifestyle I'm stuck in, so what? I was scared, yes, I was. But I was going to fucking do it because that is my fucking desire and I will do it fucking well because I give fucking 200 percent because I don't know how to give anything less! And now it turns out I really would have liked that lifestyle. Because I'm back being stagnant and worthless and meaningless and lost and I just want to die.
The cruelest fate given to man is life.
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