Living the Dream

So today a friend on Facebook updated her status to something about how she was so happy about life and that she was living the dream life she always wanted. I blew it off, as I often do with her, but now coming back to it, I'm disappointed. It's true, she is doing well now. Just graduated in nursing, now a nurse, able to be on her own and live a real independent life, and that's awesome. But I just get this sinking feeling.... That's what I've always wanted, to live my dream. And I've failed. There is nothing left.

I've been to three post-secondary schools. Count that, THREE.  Two of them I have gotten degrees that do not benefit me in where my interests lie. The third one I was lucky enough to have a tree fall on me to get me out of going to a school that wasn't working for me. And the sad thing is, that program WAS supposed to be what I'm interested in. My gosh, I've invested all this money and work and shit and all I've done was fail from it. I should never have gotten those first two degrees. I should have followed my heart, what I KNEW wasn't going to change about myself and pursued filmmaking accordingly. Instead I got some office assistant diploma and some fucking bullshit degree in "Information and Communication Technologies." I don't even know what that means. And I was in the damn program. And now all I do is look up schools that I COULD have gone to back when I actually had the financing that actually looked like something I could succeed from. And now all I feel is... I can't describe it.

It's past disappointed, discouraged, disgusted, depressed, frustrated, anxious, angry, worthless, sickening. It's this hole in my body that has swallowed all of me. I was just so determined to be the one from the little hicktown I'm from to take on my ambition and unique interest in film and screenwriting and grab the bull by its horns, succeed, and feel like a real accomplishment in life. Instead I moved to a huge city under a false pretense only to come moving back home to hicksville not even two years later. I just don't know how I did this to myself.

No, I know. I listened to my dad when he taught me how to cut corners in the education system. And I believed him when he said I couldn't get a degree in theatre or film because I couldn't earn a living in either. And I school hopped and transferred all I could. I only got the ICT degree because it was the program that transferred the most credits from my first diploma. It wasn't anything I wanted, but I believed that it would make things ok because it was "real." But if I can't even describe what the major was, how could I think it would be ok? And I suppose he had my best interest in mind. But it was a waste. If I could, I would've just stuck to an office assistant degree and I'm sure by now I'd be a very happy receptionist with a steady 9-5 job and income. You don't understand how much I wish I could just be that. Or an accountant. But I can't see myself in anything but film. And now it is just killing me. I wasted all opportunity and money and now all I have are broken desires and dreams that just consume me in every breath I take.

I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up. I can't feel anything else. And maybe I'll just sleep and sleep and sleep tomorrow. I am getting concerned that now I go to bed earlier and I'm still sleeping in later and getting over 13 hours of sleep sometimes. May as well sleep my life away. My room is the only private place I have left to myself. I can't stand always being around people in a house. And it's only been a week and a half since I moved back. Hah, I'm not sure I can survive to the end of February. Actually, I don't think I can.