Why Do You Think I Sleep All Day?

All right, all right. I'm here. New blog intro, so I can start this up again. K cool.

First off, I apologize for the last post. Makes me look like some idiot high school girl being passive aggressive about her boyfriend (and let's face it, people only wish). Not good to stoop to such low levels. But it is a good song though, so I digress.

I've come to the conclusion that I only attract slobs or socially dysfunctional men. Serious bummer. I can't do anything with either, and I really can't do anything with someone who looks at me and then twitches and stares blankly at me with nothing to say and then when he does say something, it's so quiet I can't even hear him. Then I get all awkward and just start telling stories about my dogs. If someone doesn't engage with me, I become disinterested. And because I'm not quick enough on my feet being shy and having something in my brain that's fucked up, I can't do well with getting any substance going in a conversation. Not having anything to talk about and engage with is probably the worst thing that can happen. And I get stuck with the winners. Well fuck this life.

I'm also beginning to think this idea of "waiting to have sex before marriage" is only used by the same guys who twitch uncontrollably at the sight of the opposite sex and who would need google maps to tell them where the breasts are on a woman. It's probably easier to just play the celibate card when you've never even held hands, let alone hugged someone. Heaven forbid you ever try to do anything else; you'll need google maps for that too. And luckily I'm pretty sure there is a "sex for dummies" book.

But you know what? I'm not even looking for sex. I never have been. But at least knowing the guy knows his way around a woman's body would be nice. I wouldn't mind some physical contact, not at all. Groping, fingering, fondling, etc doesn't need to be involved. There are plenty of small gestures that will do the trick for me. But I'm not going to get it with any of these pussy wussy twitchy dysfunctional overanalytical freaks who practically need their mommy to be there to tell them how to put their arm around a girl. I'm tired. I'm just so tired.

Meh. I still can't believe I've actually resorted to admitting that I actually want to find a relationship. That was such a no-no not too long ago. But what the hell am I going to do about it? It plagues me, haunts ever facet of my life. And I'm pretty sure it isn't even geared towards a "significant other" relationship. Any steadfast friendship would just be so nice. I feel forsaken by so many, and I never had that many to begin with.

Which brings me to the title of this post. I'll try to keep this short. The other day I went to the wedding of my mom's cousin's daughter. So my... I don't know, something in the family. She's pretty much everything I've ever wanted to be, the complete triple threat girl. She seriously could be Kristin Chenoweth if she dyed her hair blond and put in green contacts. She may as well be Kristin. Everything about her is exactly the same: Short, small, petite, big personality, bigger smile, singer, Christian, oh yea. Snagged herself a great guy as someone like her would. Being that her dad is a pastor, she seemed to get instilled correctly with the best of the best in church and therefore got her guy accordingly. And the wedding was a bit uncoventional and avant-garde, but that's what they're into and so it turned out to be awesome and quirky and her dress was awesome and quirky and essentially everything I like because I've always liked that style before I knew her.

So all the friends and that side of the family were the type As, over the top, epic cheery personality who knew everyone and looked like beauty pageant contestants squealing with each other, and I was just there. I didn't care that much at the time; I only went last minute with my parents for the food. But the longer I stayed there and absorbed the environment, the more the situation began to wear on me. First off, I would hate getting married because I don't want to be standing in front of everyone and knowing they're looking at me. I couldn't even do THAT. Second off, I had always hoped to stay true to my faith, but all the Christian guys I know at age 24 are already married.

Sad fact (ok fact in my head): In the church, if you are 24 and still unmarried, you are a spinster. I'm not talking about just mormonism here, it's just how the church is. Which I've always correlated to the poor saps trying to be all chaste and to "save" themselves. And which as we all know, 24 years is an awful long time for a guy to hold off. He's damn lucky if he can make it to 18. It's perfectly acceptable in normal society to be 24 and single and free falling and flitting, but in the church society, there is something wrong with you. All the good ones get snatched up fast, and if you're fucked up like me and mentally handicapped, you can't compete and you don't get anything. And that tears me in half.

Am I supposed to turn away from the church? Is that what I'm getting here? There is this easy lifestyle sitting in front of me. One that has less judgement attached to it. In a bar, everyone is accepted. In a church, if you're not already established in a group, you're not even noticed. I've talked to a lot of Christians about this, of all ages might I add, and they've all said that exact same thing. What is the point? What was God thinking giving us this....Choice? This freewill to be assholes? And what was He thinking to give me this damage that kills me? I've been increasingly angry lately. Like, really angry, and it's just another side effect of this build up.

Anyways, so after the wedding and we're walking back to the car, I was mentioning the whole thing about how this can never happen to me and that I'm too old in the church now and a few other things. And my dad says "I have a feeling things are going to start changing for you" and I blow it off. Can't even acknowledge something like that because I don't believe even a shred of it. In which I tell him and that where I am, it's just too small and no one with my interest, let alone someone in a church with my interest and he says something along the lines of "Well go out and do something. All you do is sleep all day." My only response:

And why do you think I sleep all day.

It's not rocket science. It's the only escape I have. It's all I have.

Love, Love...

Love love love love.

You were everything I wanted
You were everything a guy could be.
But you left me broken hearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me.
All I wanted was your love, love
Love love love love


Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you.
Now that it's over,
I don't even know what I liked about you.
I brought you around,
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word.
But I really really really
Don't like you.


Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently.
All I wanted was your love, love
Love love love love


Hate is a strong word,
But I really really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
I brought you around,
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word.
But I really really really
Don't like you.


Now that it's over you can't hurt me.
Now that it's over you can't bring me down.


All I wanted was your love, love
Love love love love.


~Hate (I Really Don't Like You), Plain White Ts

Speak Now

I have a lot on my mind, but haven't said anything cause I'm just not sure how to say it. I keep thinking in song lyrics which does no good for a blog since well, you can't hear said song lyrics so it just looks stupid in writing. But I'll just use them to start I guess.

"I've nothing to say." "You have many things." "Well nothing that's not been said."
~Sunday in the Park with George, Stephen Sondheim

How I feel. I do have a lot to say but nothing that I feel I haven't said before. I feel like I've been turned into a bad guy and I feel angry. I'm annoyed that even though I've stayed neutral and never insulted a group of people, or questioned other people's desires or faiths or what makes them who they are, I still get attacked and pinned as a bad person. I can't really beat around the bush with this anymore because it's just eating me and I can't be particularly metaphorical either because there's just no way to do that either. I never understand what I do to people that make them turn their backs on me. I've taught myself to not be confrontational and stay coy and demure out of fear that my normal personality and attitude are not becoming to others. Bad experience a long time ago that hasn't left me I guess. And this upsets me.

"Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."
~How to Save a Life, The Fray

Well I guess that should be pretty self explanatory. I'd like to say I feel that remorseful about the situation, but I'm getting past that point. How can I be all to blame for something? But you know what? That's what people do, they put all the blame on the other person because that's the way people's minds works. So I guess we just have to accept that and move on. And maybe I'm feeling better because I'm finally getting this out. What do they call that? Closure?

And in the words of Rachel Green ala Friends:

"I am OVER a-you. And that, my friend, is what they call... CA-LOSURE."

No more speaking is necessary.

Move On

"Look at what you want, not at where you are, not at what you'll be..."

Ah I need to watch Sunday in the Park With George again. Such a beautiful song that is. Unfortunately my TV has eaten it. Sigh.

Yea, so I guess I'm moving on. I'm certainly moving forward with my life, I know that. I'm trying to find reasons to go to the cities and I'm actually going. Had a strange thing happen where I started getting emails about a screenwriting group that meets once a month and kinda tagged along and now maybe I have a new found strength to continue on with what is my passion. Also chatting with new people online (which I still think is pathetic and I suppose slightly desperate but some of us anxiety-ridden antisocial girls need to use online methods to meet people) and finding common interests and discovering that THEY actually know how to properly interact socially and conversationally. And sure, maybe I'm having a few issues holding conversations due to still feeling floopy from past events, but I'm trying and I'm liking what I'm seeing. I'm getting more sun (possibly more sunburns) and more vitamin D and actually acting productive and purging/reorganizing all the crap I have and it's a nice change.

Needless to say, I'm going to leave the past behind. People, places, mentalities. I know what I want and I know what I can do and dammit no one is going to ruin that for me.

Now seriously, I need to get that DVD out of that TV.

Tired

I feel so exhausted. I just want one day where I don't have to go some place and talk to people or have people come to my place and talk to me. It's just been go go go since last Wednesday. And I keep getting headaches. And I keep getting those possession dreams again. Three in a week. Not a good sign. And they're not really dreams anymore. Also not a good sign.

I came to the conclusion that it's better a whole lot of people didn't express their condolences or even acknowledgement of this death. Other than maybe three friends I told and who were supportive, the rest have had no bother with it. And I know the information wasn't that hard to find. But I don't tend to share these deep personal moments on like facebook. As I see it, it is my burden to bear and I'll keep it to myself. I'm honestly more likely to share my favorite sex position or vibrator in public than what is going on with my family. I suppose the only exception is this blog, but it has more than one purpose. And I can't be held responsible for you wandering, prying eyes and the judgements you make.

That was half a joke. Ha ha.

Anyway, I think I'm getting better. I've stopped crying every night. I'm still angry and upset and still pondering our existence and worrying about how all my family is getting old and will ultimately leave me. But I suppose that's just an average day for me. Whatever.

I just want to sleep.

Borrowed Angels

First off, I want to say: Kristin Chenoweth, why you make me cry?!

Or it's my fault for listening to her "Borrowed Angels" while working on this photo slideshow. Yea, more likely my fault there. I was actually doing really, really well going through the life and times of my grandma. The cool black and white photos and the clothes and the square dancing that she was into and her gorgeous wedding dress. Then I got taken over with the bitch slapped realization that age really sucks and it's unbelievable what it does to a person and that I never knew that person as my grandma. I knew my grandma, but not all those 50-60 years before I came along. Then I'd get over that and overwhelmed with the fact that this is A LOT of work. All the while jamming to Kristin. Because that's how I roll.

And then I got to the last section. The later years section. The section that I knew her. And then it got really hard. The things I knew she loved, like Winnie the Pooh and Christmas, just got to me. And her smile and when she was really happy and how I knew it deteriorated over the years. And how it breaks my soul thinking about it and about the times I never really knew what to say to her and how I would feel bad I wasn't more compassionate-looking. And that kills me because I wasn't good at those little things like small talk and other little things. I just break. I don't think I even have a soul left now.

Hah, and then my mom walks in and I try to hide the tears by slamming my palms into my eyes. Yep, that was a good idea. Not obvious at all.

Anyway, I know I've said I'm fine and we're all fine and all, but I think that's easy to say when you can avoid what's going on. From how much I've been crying when I'm alone, I can only imagine it to be ten times worse for the daughters involved. My family is very strong though, and we do our heavy mourning by ourselves. I don't think it takes anything away from our bond, especially since we're all aware of it. And then we continue to live on. And I know there's a memory behind their eyes since there's one behind mine, but I know we're moving forward.

Although I can't be too quick to speak as seeing how the wake is tomorrow and then the funeral is Saturday and those will pretty much be the most trying times. A lot to see how long I can go without crying in front of people, and more just to see how we stand up against the mourning pressure. I would prefer to do this alone, be alone in the room and take things in and process them on my own, but I suppose that won't happen with the amount of "I'm sorry for your loss"es I'm about to encounter. It's two days. I should be able to handle that. Right?

Pure Imagination

I'm pretty numb right now. And pretty annoyed about it. My grandma is gone; passed away last night and I'm trying as hard as I can to not acknowledge reality. Unfortunately, I'm too acutely aware of my surroundings and the heaviness I feel in this house and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to cry in front of my mom and aunts because I don't want them to cry. I don't completely know how they're feeling, but I can imagine. This is their mother after all. Old and ill or not, she is their mother. And sometimes I get concerned that I'm not feeling enough. My soul right now is so numb, so cut off. I always shut myself down and now I'm worried I'm not sad enough. But I'm terrible with showing emotion period, so with something like this, I'm just so beside myself.

I'm in charge of the slideshow and have been given pictures to scan, but I'm afraid to look at them. I'm afraid to see this happy healthy face when the last face I saw was barely recognizable. But I know she is in a better place and I bet she is so happy and healthy again and that's really all any of us wanted for her. I talk about death being the perfect solution so often, but now I can't even acknowledge it. I think it's the elephant in the living room. What we're all thinking but don't want to say lest we want to make each other bawl. I know we'll be ok. I know our beliefs will help us. But it doesn't stop the fact that this is a loss. This is a person we loved on this planet who no longer is with us.

I keep listening to the Glee version of "Pure Imagination." It made me cry in the episode, and well, likewise when not watching the episode. But it is a perfect song. And the little dog has suddenly become very attached to me as well. Almost always stays at my side and will only sleep in my room now. For years he always slept in my parents' room. So this is a shock. But a welcome one.

Well. That's all.