Borrowed Angels

First off, I want to say: Kristin Chenoweth, why you make me cry?!

Or it's my fault for listening to her "Borrowed Angels" while working on this photo slideshow. Yea, more likely my fault there. I was actually doing really, really well going through the life and times of my grandma. The cool black and white photos and the clothes and the square dancing that she was into and her gorgeous wedding dress. Then I got taken over with the bitch slapped realization that age really sucks and it's unbelievable what it does to a person and that I never knew that person as my grandma. I knew my grandma, but not all those 50-60 years before I came along. Then I'd get over that and overwhelmed with the fact that this is A LOT of work. All the while jamming to Kristin. Because that's how I roll.

And then I got to the last section. The later years section. The section that I knew her. And then it got really hard. The things I knew she loved, like Winnie the Pooh and Christmas, just got to me. And her smile and when she was really happy and how I knew it deteriorated over the years. And how it breaks my soul thinking about it and about the times I never really knew what to say to her and how I would feel bad I wasn't more compassionate-looking. And that kills me because I wasn't good at those little things like small talk and other little things. I just break. I don't think I even have a soul left now.

Hah, and then my mom walks in and I try to hide the tears by slamming my palms into my eyes. Yep, that was a good idea. Not obvious at all.

Anyway, I know I've said I'm fine and we're all fine and all, but I think that's easy to say when you can avoid what's going on. From how much I've been crying when I'm alone, I can only imagine it to be ten times worse for the daughters involved. My family is very strong though, and we do our heavy mourning by ourselves. I don't think it takes anything away from our bond, especially since we're all aware of it. And then we continue to live on. And I know there's a memory behind their eyes since there's one behind mine, but I know we're moving forward.

Although I can't be too quick to speak as seeing how the wake is tomorrow and then the funeral is Saturday and those will pretty much be the most trying times. A lot to see how long I can go without crying in front of people, and more just to see how we stand up against the mourning pressure. I would prefer to do this alone, be alone in the room and take things in and process them on my own, but I suppose that won't happen with the amount of "I'm sorry for your loss"es I'm about to encounter. It's two days. I should be able to handle that. Right?