I'm pretty numb right now. And pretty annoyed about it. My grandma is gone; passed away last night and I'm trying as hard as I can to not acknowledge reality. Unfortunately, I'm too acutely aware of my surroundings and the heaviness I feel in this house and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to cry in front of my mom and aunts because I don't want them to cry. I don't completely know how they're feeling, but I can imagine. This is their mother after all. Old and ill or not, she is their mother. And sometimes I get concerned that I'm not feeling enough. My soul right now is so numb, so cut off. I always shut myself down and now I'm worried I'm not sad enough. But I'm terrible with showing emotion period, so with something like this, I'm just so beside myself.
I'm in charge of the slideshow and have been given pictures to scan, but I'm afraid to look at them. I'm afraid to see this happy healthy face when the last face I saw was barely recognizable. But I know she is in a better place and I bet she is so happy and healthy again and that's really all any of us wanted for her. I talk about death being the perfect solution so often, but now I can't even acknowledge it. I think it's the elephant in the living room. What we're all thinking but don't want to say lest we want to make each other bawl. I know we'll be ok. I know our beliefs will help us. But it doesn't stop the fact that this is a loss. This is a person we loved on this planet who no longer is with us.
I keep listening to the Glee version of "Pure Imagination." It made me cry in the episode, and well, likewise when not watching the episode. But it is a perfect song. And the little dog has suddenly become very attached to me as well. Almost always stays at my side and will only sleep in my room now. For years he always slept in my parents' room. So this is a shock. But a welcome one.
Well. That's all.
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