Intense

So life has gone intense. I've gone a little intense. I'm still a little unnerved by my actions lately, but things have happened and been said and nothing will ever change that so I have to continue on. But jeez, in the span of four days I've really let myself go and just been way more vulnerable and raw than I ever show, especially to someone who is considerably new in my life. And some of it was bound to happen. Some of it.

I don't really know what it is with women and the desire to have to bond emotionally. I've seen it my entire life and grasp it, but I don't understand it. There's just something for us that clicks when we finally open up, even if just briefly, and reveal what's really inside us I guess. I think it settles things or gives a sense of subconscious reassurance or lets you know that you're not the only one. So... That happened. And actually it was refreshing to finally talk in person with someone about my past church issue and that Christian Asshole. That was nice. Which led to us actively trying to make plans to do things together over the weekend. And that was nice too.

And then I got bad news about a friend's grandparent that shook me up and I didn't do the best job hiding it. Thank goodness I didn't cry in front of anyone, but the second I got home alone texting my friend I pretty much lost it. And I don't even completely know why. It was a grandparent and I mean, I lost both my grandmas in under a year span of time. And it was bad circumstances though I never asked for further details and that freaked me out that it was such a sudden accident because that's what I've been afraid of forever for my own family. He wasn't much older than my parents. And I guess reality hit hard.

And I tried as hard as I could to be supportive. I mean, touchy feely words are not my forte, I just don't do them, but I tried so hard to tell her I was here. Strangely enough I think that triggered something in me as well and I just had to cry. And I haven't cried for a long time and have had a LOT bottled up in me so it was only a matter of time before there was a trigger. It was just unfortunate this was it.

I went to the wake today to support her and I almost lost it the second I got in that funeral home. I've been to too many and I've seen too many caskets and too many picture displays--especially of grandparents and this just tore me seeing that healthy face and him smiling and just thinking this wasn't fair to take a person like that off this earth and all the people it hurt. He wasn't sick, he was in his prime, and it was just.... I felt the impending doom that I try to pretend doesn't exist when it comes to my family. I'm so afraid of my parents dying and family going and leaving me alone because they are the only ones I have and I just got so scared.

Needless to say I made it through and she was grateful and I was happy. Because I've been getting tired of being emotionally disconnected from the people I call friends and most people really and I think this was a big step to just being honest and not an ice queen. I don't know what's going to happen after this, but maybe I'll actually grow for once.

Though I couldn't tell you what my roommate must think. I mean, we go one night dishing our hearts out about guys and life situations to the next night me trying to not cry every 10 seconds and I think actually saying out loud I don't want to be emotionally disconnected anymore and her answering "you aren't right now" to the next night of us going out and me being smashed out of my mind but of course loving up life because that's how I roll when I drink. I remember we found a photo booth... That old fashioned kind? I just thought it was nice she'd actually want to take pictures with me. Ya know, I never know where I stand with people after all and that's usually my hang up. But I'm trying to get over that as best I can. Things could be ok. And we just have to take everything as it comes and never once analyze anything that is going on.

But being tomorrow is Monday and I'm leaving Thursday to go home to work for the weekend and she's insanely busy as usual during the week we will probably not see each other for like a week anyways. Feels a little unstable for my liking, but I also love being alone. And well, I guess that's the best we can all do.

So I've cut down on eating lately and when I say cut down, I mean not really eating anything except pieces of toast and water and more toast evidently. I'm finding my head feels like it's actually in a state of being drunk and I'm not sure how I feel about it. For some odd reason though I am enjoying feeling weird and off kilter and being able to control myself to not eat. There's some bad body image stuff going on I guess, but it's giving me the perfect excuse to hurt myself since that is a favorite feeling state of mine. Ah well. Life. If I just lose 20 pounds I'll look so much better.

But yea, life is intense.

Pass

You don't have to try so hard,
Looking so together.
Everything is falling apart.
Look, your hands are shaking.
I can see right thru your eyes,
It's how your heart is breaking.
A prayer is whispered up to heaven,
From my lips to God's ear.
Close your eyes and let yourself go,
Knowing He's here.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now, it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think it's gonna pass.
You are not alone in this world.
It may seem that way here,
It's just the way it is.
You can barely stand.
I will help, with the Lord we'll get thru.
Give me your hand.
A prayer is whispered up to heaven.
From my lips to God's ear.
Close your eyes and let yourself go,
Knowing He's here.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think it's gonna pass.
Haven't I already told you,
You are my family?
Anything that breaks your heart,
It does the same to me.
This is gonna pass.
Even tho I know now, it hurts so bad.
Let me hold your hand.
Right now it's hard,
But I really think,
It's gonna pass.

~Keri Noble, Pass

For my friend who needs it right now

Migraines

I had the worst night last night thanks to some evil migraine attack. Therefore I did not get any sleep. Count that, NONE. Really sucked for the fact I had to get up early today to do my internship and almost got my car stuck in its parking spot on the road thanks to the evil wet snow/ice thing that froze around and on top of my car. But then that place always turns out to be awesome, so it was a good thing I went even if I was debating calling in sick. Got to bond with my supervisor who I love because she's just an awesome person, did a bit of networking with someone I had met a few weeks ago, met someone new, showed off my fx makeup skills to them (which really is not that much), and they were impressed, and yea. But then I get home. I then I want to die.

My roommate didn't sleep last night either. I feel like that would've been a perfect opportunity for us to be miserable together at 3 in the morning spilling our guts and eating ice cream or something but I'm pretty sure neither one of us was going to sacrifice getting out of a warm bed. And my head was killing me.

However, I feel we (or just me) went super anti social on each other when we got home and just weren't having  or taking any crap from each other. I quickly went on this kick to play Silent Hill Shattered Memories so I could unlock a secret ending since I had already played it and it was pretty straightforward and then she got wrapped up in the crap on CNN and we really didn't see each other. She probably went to bed like two hours ago. Well. It's weird. And we had had a decent night last night when I got her to play the game a bit and we watched Glee and all that jazz and we were actually happy. But we were also coherent so in the end I'm sure that has something to do with it.

And I don't feel like being very social right now to tell you the truth. I've been doing it way a lot lately and no doubt that is contributing to this head thing of mine that I feel starting again. If two hours of us hanging out gives me migraines, what am I supposed to do about the rest of the however many hours in a week? And she's having people over tomorrow that I've hung out with, but oh man, I am just not ready to play hostess and besides, they're a group and they are coming over for group activities that I don't want to intrude on. And, quite frankly, some that I'm not interested in to begin with.

And I don't know, I just don't like feeling like I go backwards with people. And it's probably just my mind perceiving everything wrong since that's what it's there for, but it unfortunately bums me out without me even thinking about it. I guess I feel residual energy or something. I don't feel anything physically, but I feel underneath that, the remnants of emotions and feelings. I think that's called empathic when you take on the emotions around you or of others as your own. And as much as I like to play ice queen, unfortunately all I do is absorb emotions of others around me. But I don't want to be confused with like, a psychic or medium or something. I know they like to use lines like that when people go ghost hunting and crap like that, but that's not what I am nor do I even feel like. And I don't verbalize it period. One, because I don't want to look like I'm trying to be some medium walking into old houses and going "omg there's such a sad energy in this room but in this other one I feel angry" and saying lines as such and two, because I still have a problem with seeing emotion as being weak. Especially showing more vulnerable types. I just don't want to look weak and hurt even though essentially that's all I am inside. That's where the ice queen thing comes in. It's just a protection and self preservation thing, that's all.

And yea, sometimes it's unfortunate. I never feel like I'm fully whole because on a daily basis with the people around me I don't tend to show my spectrum of emotions. I laugh and smile at things yes, but I don't actually feel it inside. Usually when I'm in situations like that I don't tend to be able to feel anything, like I can't feel my face muscles when I smile or laugh to know that I am actually smiling or laughing so I never really feel whole. I know how to act appropriately and say and do all the proper things, but for once in my life I wish I could feel inside what I'm doing on the outside. That's a really weird concept, you know that? I don't think most people have even thought of something like that probably because it rarely applies to anyone. But I, for whatever odd reason, can see and read and acknowledge that little piece of connectivity within us that everyone else takes for granted. That circuitry, if you will. And maybe that's only because my circuitry is screwed up.

Ah well. I'm gonna take some excederin pm and eat lots of tums and go to bed. I just don't feel good. And I have to try to build up energy for tomorrow. It may be a long day...

This Life

Well, so much for writing every night. Eh, well, no big deal. Granted I figured it might be more therapeutic for me to write out each day's feelings just so I don't bottle them up inside and do something irrational, but I guess for the most part I've been able to handle what's thrown at me.

In fact, I had a pretty great weekend. Friday night I was able to do a bit of bonding with the roommate when we watched Kristin's last Wicked performance and cried (well, she did. I mean, I teared up but just shoved my blanket in my eyes to take care of that problem). I was kinda happy that she was on the same page as me in regards to how much I've taken and cared for those characters (if only because they were Kristin and Idina) and I guess I felt a little more normal about myself. I was also pretty surprised at such a display of emotion that she showed. I mean, I go to extremes to make sure no one sees emotion coming from me on a daily basis that it was just different to see someone who is ok with that. I don't know why I'm not ok with doing it myself, but at that moment I thought maybe it wouldn't be that bad. And then the moment passed and I went back to my statue face.

Our bonding sessions are always pretty short which in some ways is good because I have that problem of social activity draining me mentally and physically and unfortunately that has been applying to my roommate. The other unfortunate thing is I've always had an issue in the past with having great bonding sessions with people one day and really having a flow and connection with them, and then the next day it feels like I'm starting out at square one again when I see them again. That's a brain thing, I'm pretty sure, some blockage up there that blocks my emotions as well. But it's epically frustrating when I'm trying to get to know this person and get close to this person.

And what's more frustrating is how much I just want to be close to someone in this world. I'm actually starting to feel a bit insane about that. But I'm finding a lot of new people in my life have this natural comfort with being close to other people if only in physical proximity-wise which I guess could be a good thing? If anything it'll force me to not be so over analytical and just go with the flow around me. The last thing I want to do is look like a twitchy freak who can't handle it when someone reaches over my shoulder to show me something on a computer. I'm better than that. I'm not THAT socially dysfunctional. I think.

But I think I've often talked about how all I want is to be touched. Of course then I have to follow it up with not necessarily sexually (but I'm all for that, equal opportunity) because that's true. There's just something about knowing how alone you are, your body is on a daily basis and you don't feel anything. You don't feel reassurance. You don't feel happiness. You don't feel desire. You don't feel anger. You don't feel pain. You don't feel anything. I sometimes wonder if I actually CAN feel physically. I feel so enclosed and I just need someone, something, to open it.

I'll never get very close to my roommate, will I? Because I don't know how, because I have too many blocks, too many walls, too many insecurities, too much of everything that is wrong that is a hindrance to deeper interpersonal activity. And she's a serious social butterfly, what does she need with one more person in her life? I pay her money and buy half the groceries of the house. That's all I'm needed for.

But I sometimes wonder, what would happen? I've never been around someone this normal and put together and stable before (I mean, I'm sure she has her own demons, but she's got most of her life figured out which is more than I can say for myself) and I just don't know how she would react to anything of my past. She finally noticed the scars on my arm the other day and I was able to blow it off because we were in conversation about something else and then today she commented on how she doesn't like the background of one of my tumblrs because it's a slashed up picture of legs that I did for devart when I was in a Silent Hill phase. But then we just watched the Glee episode today where someone tried to kill himself and she said she was sad but I just still wasn't sure. I mean, I can't relate to feeling sad watching that Glee episode because I've always been more on the depressed suicidal side and I'm fine with that. I understand those feelings and how low and dark you have to be but I (fortunately or unfortunately) believe for the most part that death is the best release a person can have so it's hard for me to get sad and sympathetic about that stuff because I know the other side well and I don't trust the people that say "I'm glad you didn't die" because do you know the implications of that? It means that that person is really and truly a part of you and cares, but NO ONE can care THAT MUCH that is required by a depressed or suicidal person. They don't get the depth, the intensity that needs to be there to so they can actually believe that person. Everyone wants life for everyone, but they don't want to put in the work of giving life meaning. There was a saying I reblogged on tumblr that sums it up pretty perfectly:

"It's easy to tell me not to kill myself. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around." Post.

Anyways I've lost sight of the point of this entry as I often do. Bottom line is I'm not as pathetically depressing as I seem on here, and life really is flowing around me and it's a nice change, but those are the truths I hold close to my heart. Those are my concerns. They are what makes me me. And that might be really bad and suck, but that is what is inside me. No, I don't know if it's right or proper and it probably isn't, but they are what they are. I am what I am. Unfortunately.

So Much Life

Beginning to think I need to start writing daily again. The truth of the matter is this is the most eventful time of my life that I've ever had and I think some chronicling should be done. And for once, most of it is...good.

Since I've been living here, almost no day goes by that doesn't have activity or interaction in it (which easily correlates to the fact I have a roommate now). There is always life around me, a world I'm not used to but have wanted to be a part of taking shape right in front of my eyes. It's unbelievable. And a lot of the time I don't even know how to take it, so I just roll. This isn't to say I still don't have my down times, but I don't have much time for them anymore. I still have life concerns and worries and fears and stresses, but physically I feel eased a bit for some reason.

My roommate is essentially the triple threat girl I speak of and it took me a little while to get used to the idea that this pretty and bubbly thing could actually like me and that I could actually fit in her life. And while I'm still not fully integrated, only I can do something to make it stick. No doubt having some social like her around me is going to help ease me into being able to be more social in the real world, especially at places where networking is the key. And it's the only key. I'm also learning how to take regard for someone else a bit more and forcing myself to be appropriate in places I'm unfamiliar in. I have to remember to make an effort when she comes home from work to talk to her and hang out and not just sit up in my loft and continue watching netflix. The same goes for when she has people over from her small group at church. I'm now part of the hosting committee. It's very new but can only benefit me.

And I am going to a church in the cities that has so far turned out to be decent compared to the one back home. I'm trying my hardest to get involved in groups so I can get to know people and I'm proud of the initiative I have to take and that I do take. And now when I go to church alone, I'm no longer anxious or hyperventilating. That's amazing. It doesn't mean I take absolutely everything they say verbatim, and I'm not nearly as into the missionary thing and spreading the word as they are, but there's always a grain of salt you take with any place of faith you find. Honestly, this isn't to say down the road the church just isn't going to work out, but as of right now I'm content.

I suppose I should say the only thing I'm concerned about and should be concerned about is the amount of alcohol I can find and consume over here. I feel like it's never been so easy to have a drink or ten, and almost all the social gatherings I've gone to have involved alcohol in some way. While I consider this a godsend as seeing how it turns me into a normal talking social person, I can see how it could turn into a problem really fast. Like possibly being twenty blocks from home drunk after two (really good) cocktails at a cinema lounge event at nine o'clock at night and really not knowing what to do from there. Whoops.

So maybe I should have just had the one, but I wasn't feeling anything at the time I started drinking the second one... Caught up quick.

Well, if my only concern is something that can help benefit me too, then I'm not going to worry. Not yet anyway. When I become an alcoholic we'll talk. But for now, I just have to do what I have to do.

Begrudged

I just want to say I'm having a hard time getting over something. It is sticking with me and I feel like I'm constantly being reminded of it. And it's just... It's started to wear on me. So much. It's been months.

This stupid Christian asshole. That's what I call him, the Stupid Christian Asshole. And the Christian part is soo important. They all seem to be assholes. They just.... There's something I've noticed about the more hellbent "born again living righteously" brand that makes having a relationship with them almost impossible. Someone I was talking to noted how they don't do single dates, it's always a hang out in a group of people. Always groups, always people, hands off, just sit there looking like dumbfucks back and forth at each other. And then they can't really get into deep conversations because then that would be like a step below marriage. Now we have to get married cause we confessed some shit about how we feel in life. I don't understand. I don't understand how to be around these people. I need to be around drunk guys with a low cut shirt with my boobs falling out because at least then I get some one on one attention! I get fucking noticed for once and I get touched and I for a moment in my life feel I'm somewhat desirable to another human being! And the funny thing is, these drunk guys are always more fun to talk to you about your deep disturbing emotions. And they play along. And really that's all I need. They're good at it too. I am not looking long term. I'm just looking to silence my agony one day at a time.

And that was actually not the rant I was planning on ranting about. I mean, it fits though. It's in the general ball park of the real rant. And the real rant will go back to the ONE Christian Asshole. It just frustrates me so much that he acts all "yippy skippy you're this awesome new person that I just met and we have so much in common that we HAVE to hang out more and talk!" and then turns into "oh wait you existed once? why do you have my number?" And then I think well, he's an ADHD child who is really only focused on himself that he does this with everyone. And that panned out for a while. But now he's got some other girl he's stringing along (which MIND YOU, is JAILBAIT. Do 17 year old girls really have to go out with 22 year old men? Well ok he's not much of a man mentally...) that he's constantly facebooking and doing things with, and then it finally dawned on me. It was me all along. I was the problem.

I wasn't talented enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't outgoing enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.
I wasn't young enough.
I wasn't witty enough.
I wasn't cute enough.
I wasn't bubbly enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't skinny enough.

I knew this would be a problem one day, the who I am thing. I've been on the receiving end of conversations about a relative's boy/girlfriend who was all quiet and weird and reserved and what the hell was wrong with them enough to know I'm fucked in life. I can only imagine what this guy's mom was thinking about me. I'm sure she didn't like me. She probably told him to stay clear. And she's pretty controlling so no doubt she'd just make him anyways. But...

What happens when you are the not talented, pretty, skinny, outgoing, witty, bubbly enough person?

We don't fit do we?

And now I don't think I have anything left to say. What could there possibly be?

I guess we're done.